IPSOFACTOTUM

An act of love.

2012-01-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

And it is not understood...........asking for nothing and accepting the help....real help I felt within........my awareness of it does not change two things........I do not consider inner light as a sex partner and electronic eves-dropping and general obfiscation on the computer by one group to another causes permenent damage.I love but I will not use love to excuse fear..Perhaps I ought write what you would have done if there was more available in arcane communications you perhaps I would have explained what you would have done??????? no........But i asked quite nicely to please not and you feel its my fault.And you have no faith in me....same reaction every-time and i know why.I believe its your wish to get better.......I believe you want me too.And you would be completely honest rather than go through fear and hassle.I did not ask to speak to you but how many times???????? I asked you to recognize that how you communicated was making me unwell.That could lose it to the hospital.Or Die.Your answer will remain between us.Because I know what love is.I made no assumption about " april"...none.Just MY memories and knowledge.She is very good at what she does.I mean the one with the other name but I also could mean the one with the different name.You need not worry.I asked you to please alter that if even to a degree.Yopu needn't been the one...............many people have contradictory sides of their selves.I feel so sweet because i stand by you and proved it.You needn't put on a show for me.I don't know you well enough to say I am sure your options are simple regarding me.I will do my best not to have some problem comes up.I am also going to alter this situation because it has to.and you too.I felt your intention also in april ritchies vibes...............quite. Perhaps its the other way around for her..............This is love but the choices are yours.I will not do what you think more than likely. After all that still self righteous?????????????//your right i'm wron .I won't write pems fo stop doing that......stop. poetry?. spirit wrote it.........its about spirit. Spirit comes often through people.... if i wrote a poem for someone I would want to let them know.Your heart tells you not to just be your heart..............read these poems to me in person.Everytime thats ubject comes up you seem either suspicious or angry. I wonder if you think i would do all that as dumb as you think I must be to go through the dumb shit I did.It was not a joke with me to laugh at that situation.Papa raised me to only do that after all avenues are exhausted.Its a long walk.I will have time to listen to poetry.....i have these poems in my heart .......i feel this great love in my heart.I do not wish to wontonly hurt someone.I am concerned about my feelings for a woman and not obtaining her.I did not think I would have made it here this long for a few reasond.................IT DOESNH'T MATTER THAT YOU THINK ITS NOT AUTHENTIC OR AS BAD IF IN FACT YOU DID.This is a love deal only....no more room............I am not a bully .I'm wild and loud and a wise acre know it all.I'm a little insensitive and i'm slow.I doubt it fear that stopped you from squaring this.....maybe.....I always give you the bennifit of doubt.I know I think mostly good about you.Thje stuff on the computer is your lie to tell them all in case...but you know what you did i do not blame you......we messed up.I have surmised you want me to take care of this by going that way.But perhaps i'll realize new stuff.I did not mean to hurt you like that....... I will say it again... Are you sure??????? Thats one way to run........All because you think all i want is to take advantage and have what I want. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have lived with that for a long time but a little for what seems like a lot.Whatever anyone says............I think it would be better to whistle and wave to ease that painful misunderstanding causing trouble in peoples lives.Thats what the so called adult does ........its not as bad as you think.it serves who you say you do in fact.ButI know you not to cosider this that way.How many years????? And you purely doubt me....your purelay angry perhaps. PLEASE WILL YOU PLEASE ????? I think the earth wants this cleared up and I rather deal with it on our own terms.. No faith if you think I'm planning to thoughtlessly mess up and drag someone with me.I shut up.....I do not bring it up................oh....i forget....I recognixed you sent me a gift inside.I said it.....you can't or won't hear it......but its a simple act compared to what you do if you feel its weight keeps returning on it.Lets make the world a better place one aqt a time so what.You have spoken everyword to express diddsain towards me it seemed at time.I do not know you to say that.You needn't remember me now....I will protect you if the subject comes up ,I'l tell your rap......."it takes two to tango.As you are done with me what meant the compter and chinese food. BY THE WAY GOOGLE SEZ I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO THIS SITE????????????i will not ask you why you let me do this. I sense you would rather not alter your behavior or perhaps need help.I beleieve you are helping me now.I do not c how you could like me. I mostly keep my mind and heart open.........bet you get that way too.Do you know what looks wimpy tp people? even though it oughtn't be that whilst learning.and i expect.....I accept no material nothing....I expect no nothing but simple humanity even for three minutes.Used to be i did not even thin k it would have to be you.I told you ....i do not blame you its not your fault.............. you do not feel me? who am I . have fun and drink one for me or whatever.........meditate i wish and hope for the best for people I know.Simple silly human that i am.lots to write and i am a little underthe weather to do it.I know what you will do. and .....remember no need for that its not there yet.....but something has to be squared more importantly then anything right now.A K A how bout some creative tension to write even more just for a few minutes and whatnot.

Hey! Dudewomanmomladysirengal

2012-01-13T06:12:00.000-08:00

ONE HEART um Oh Fuck..............cuz you know i wonder if you know I realize someone knows the difference between my delusional thoughts about being in relationship vrs the reality of who I'm suited best for.Lots of different ways to dance around intimacy issues and i'm a pretty fancy dancer that way.And ......you can imagine ...............when someone in a picture looks like that to me through their eyes ....and there wasn't any mind banging to it...........just eyes i last saw in a dream......................either someone is a better dr. then i realized or someone wants to get me back ......again.At least in my mind.Cuz....yes, i c and yes that cures the whole enchilada.I have a great idea this morning!!!!! lets just save the planet.simple and straight forward.I am a finicky tiger.so fucking particular only very few inspire me to work and love.Contrary to my little outbursts every other day .......i very much trust you.....i am also a tad concerned about what i put my head through and how i altered my speech in a somewhat un natural way out of self conscious horror.So, i fell right telling you some things for that and other reasons.I want to share these options i am realizing i might be forced in to but i think you might be ahead of me .I am desperate to avoid having to go all the way around to fix something that is fixed already.I'll assume i'm nuts but why is she looking out of the pictures like that?????? I mean fuck that look in her eyes I feel it...........you dig what i'm saying? and i'm getting healthier not sicker .I have to streighten out my shit and i reckon i shall, i came up with an honerable plan and i'm intending to get my messed up computer files and accounts back to something that represents the balanced me.Some things got very exagerated and that needs fixing.I am sure if what i am wondering is true i will have to glue my tail between my ass cheeks and beg for mercy and help from you sister.Can you dig where i'm cumming from?.Still....point well made.in fact i could c me having to beg several sisters who may even be quite miffed with me for their help. um gotta book a flight you know what i mean by help and you know what i do not at all meen.I think i can fix that when i get back. i reckon on park slope but I travel once i travgel.And after all i'm motivated by the typical things men are motivated by accept foolishness to do with cash and fame.That can't be ......did you do that???? would you do that.I live for the peaceful fulfilling resolution towards progressive esoteric collaboration with all concerned.If what i am alluding to is the case then I suspect my happy contented face will be catching............

typical

2011-12-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

yea .... and i gotta do it lickity.........you know what? that sux....when you know someone could care less what you said about there birthday cuz they won't ever know how or why you cared.and they think the worst of you carved in stone.......not that it sux like as if i could change that but..............just dissmissed outright........feel free to smack me if your someone who could c me doin that sometime.I know its supposed to be that way.....just that i'm like ....like i actually feel like my two bit sentiment means something..........or is as equal too someone else.The song title made up for lots and said it all i thought.....golly gosh wang bang gee wally gosh darn gee wiz...... i'd get ostricized by ......for writting something double entendre like that. and of course thats the joke isn't it.But i reckon a monolith sometimes......no chank in the armor of the holly writ proving i am lucifer's evil twin sister.yea .... after a time people start to care....not all but it happens and LOVE is a combination of four letters.Maybe sometimes the significance people have with each other brings big joy and love has nothing to do with it PER SE'.I betcha if i did hold it so....... i couldn't cuz i'd be all commited to someone special in my life.... even though i am all slut.......doesn't mean i act on it.a monumentally honest act on daisy's part to call a song that......ok so me and daisy might not get along heck what i know its just so?...daisy may or may not of meant to have that outcome........sure did laugh at my face when i overstepped and did that ...........forget all this i just wanted to write it.I have loyalty to some people who gave up on me correctly a long time ago........i guess just that they admit they considered it for a moment and i feel indebted.I hate being complemented but i realize i need it and i need to be all gracious and honest about how much i don't want to hear that........sometimes people mean it and i reckon they deserve my thanks.i'm glad you all are present on earth.period.whatever .....some people are worth the effort to overcome my perception of my hurt or wanting to blame...........nice place to help me git to........so i just wanted to say..http://youtu.be/UnQ1Jk7Vl0M

Antithetical

2011-11-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

ONE HEART something that is antithetical allows the world to spin.True love Absolute ... can not have sex.....you can not "do " sex with spirit.Its beyond something that does not last.They say that two is better than one but not when there is three.thank you universe. This song is just so beautifull and clear and very thought provoking.I wonder if Steve Miller was born in the Catholic faith.Someone told me they thought was Familiar to their catholic upbringing.Its one of his best songs and I never even found it before.Its very interesting extremely so.An almost impossible reality to sing in a song but he does it so profoundly well that any lover of song......and I mean a true lover of song like some ....ya get it,
.................an emo lover of song like me........would be moved by the experience so much so that its almost traumatic.I love the song that much and its just like this other tune I like in my mind in a strange way.If the change is going to come by the band Sophia is a song that I find uplifting and spiritual...............mostly this reflects the time and place I became a rocker............negative could be positive and vice versa.I still feel that way but I assumed all rockers would take that song from that bassic understanding.its a simple song about emotions and activity.Thats different......It never figured to me someone could not take it lightly even though its about death.....or life.two cool songs actually.Thats why I play music at all .Because I learn weired things about points of view while my sense of music gets turned on.......all kinds of emotions get excorcised yup.Any way....what a way to c the same thing when hearing the mirror opposite ........that was a cool heavy experience 4 me I love rock and roll

i am about to.....

2011-10-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

today i get my pdf'thsssss from my old laptop including a ten volume set of exhaustive study on the monarch system which i don't read.And several crazy things i can't make heads or tales over exactly.I have no on line access anymore where i rest these days.I wanted to do things politely and orderly with anything regarding you but i know its not possible i will always step on your toes evident ally even when i forgo almost all on line connections in my life.Since you know me as well as you do youclearly know precisely and exactly what and how to engage me on the computer in a constructive positive and personal level.I am al ways the loser because i do not play games with hearts at least as soon as i realize the mistakes i made.I don't c what google buzz is i have been limited going on line of late i had two minutes a few days ago and google buzz se 14 buzzez and today none. I wish i new it more and all i care about is one thing.I know the type of consistency you have applied to me and i know that is not the complete you. i thought you were expressing your disdain that way. my dream? what is most important to me outside the big ones is all you all the time even scrawl its called human connection its fun and heart warming and i could learn a lot doing something positive like that..........................................i so wish for a real connection and so much do not want people forced and cajoled so iu strugle with mixed feelings try not to to conclude keep un open mind.It will abate naturally or it wil not abate Naturally;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;I wish you could read my mind.I think and i know i could be wrong but you have been honest in your expressions and i did not see it, Am i write? you would be rather a saint to releive me of this ocd nightmare my mind conjurz would you consider simpy helping me clear my mind and heart for the benifit of all sentient beings? i wish you had esp

The Cramps - Psychotic reaction

2011-07-03T01:50:00.000-07:00

True punk blues or rather shows thes influence on punk players.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. awaited 4 som..I was starting to have one just prior.....................

I had to

2011-07-02T23:11:00.000-07:00

erase that because it makes no sense.

TELL THEM YOUR PRACTICING RE.......how to avoid a ticket for quitely playing your musical instrument in NYC

2011-06-19T05:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/30/central-park-musicians_n_868732.html For those of us who like to play our musical instruments in public places at a respectful volume........ The parks dept and police who are authorized to hand out infractions to individuals for playing their musical instruments in public have been doing so for at least seven years with no rhyme or reason as to when.When they tell me there is a law against performing and that they have to ticket me I say " I am not performing but practicing".This seems to be a legitimate point when made calmly seems to make sense to the officers of the peace. Please share this with any local musicians you may know who get hassled this way.

2011-05-26T02:17:00.000-07:00

A brief note

2011-05-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

That was very original music and showed the strong character of the vocalist who is very one of a kind.Its very smart 4 a lot of reasons but it sounds fuckin so good .......that makes me happy . I just wanted to write that cuz it moved me to

2011-05-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

more greeting like i think

2011-05-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

this is my way of saying hello to whomever czzzz it.

r.i.p NLI 1933-2011

2011-05-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

ONE HEART

Dirty Fork

2011-04-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter........the cherry blossoms are perfect now

And I had a yen to write about the painter malevich too

2011-04-09T02:22:00.000-07:00

He started " Minimalism ".I just need to be reminded sometimes.....I actually am aware of those things at google.I hate to admit that I let go of acumen sometimes for no good reason other than an easy assumption that I'm too vampire crazy, lazy or both.I rarely have any reason to make a simple change which would make people more comfortable.I can change all that but still its is kind of evil of meI've decided to have a reason though and its gratifying that someone caught me in the act and corrected me.I was up most all last night and went out to dance a la lots of room and wearing some probably terrible funky clothes.It was so so sweet and I felt like I want to spend the next two seasons dancing.I would think you know I have a stinky attitude because rambling on wasn't permitted in my family or school for that matter.Its not like I wasn't raised to contain myself naturally and handle all with natural correctness and flexibility.I danced tonight and I can't share it with anyone around me.....they don't understand that kind of magic but they understand different ones.Please understand I do not mean this as self congratulatory......but I danced really well and I'll take tonight anytime to demonstrate where I'm at dancing.It was sooo ffffin fun.......the dj fucked with the deck and kinda had my rhythmic movements become part of his rhythmical performance.I love dancing my ass off too much.

Peeking through the veil....

2011-04-02T03:17:00.000-07:00

The times I spend alone when I get up at 5 am are notably conducive towards balance .Certainly the silence of the pre dawn is a deafening roar only to some.I always thought it was the best time for any yogic practice etc.The best way to say it is that the veil is thin.The veil between me being here separate from the other creates an illusion of their presence.I think of someone and I feel as though at this time of day my feelings about them are authentic and unclouded.I use this time to take some time to enjoy this strange solitude.

The sacred night

2011-04-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

By some mysterious hand my fingers and brain have played a duet with the cacophonous clank of the sunday breeze in my mind;And,therefore I have witnessed myself write another song I am very happy to share.Sometimes it feels like songs write themselves.It's a much better way to say what I'm experiencing.So I'm go-in to do that but I have not felt this effusive and galloping in the channels where thought and emotion commingle.I long for the song to convey the essence of myself............

Because you c.....

2011-03-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

The message that drove home round all the bases of my heart was how much someone could be themselves and have fun. The Dead were all about that. This confused me a little because being myself was a lot more than wearing a black bvd with a pocket.To hear my voice calling me from a distance in a divinely idealized form is an ecstatic experience.I needed to hear a call to be myself completely.and actually the words I wrote about behavior change apply to actualizing self expression just as much as travel etc.I am living art every moment of my life right now.I am standing on the back of a charging wild tiger springing in leaps across the river.The tiger sometimes likes my spirit,sometimes the tigar wants to bite me cuz.......well tiger's do that,the tiger doesn't need to care if I fall off while I have NO CHOICE BUT TO HOLD ON SOMEHOW.I could also thoughtlessly fuck up and piss off the tiger which makes the naturalness necessary to succeed more difficult.Success at just not falling off is the metaphor.That means believing in yourself every day.I wonder if another person can c parts of themselves that they want to express but have trouble because of the type of confusion I had with being those parts of myself with other parts that took me away from the pure expression.I think I have figured it out and also how to get back to it without feeling your putting tooth paste back in the tube.............................................

fulcrum's of change. and what uck fupped me

2011-03-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

Moments of realization that maintain a balance in my life.that means accepting those things that make one out of balance in some way.The Lament of the Libra is that things can never be balanced enough which sometimes means visits to the extreme places even where angeles and demons fear to tread. Bob Dylan once related how Buddy Holly Changed his life. His family knew "ticket brokers" in Milwaukee so he had front row. Dylan says that Buddy Holly Looked right down at him and he was never the same. The years I went to the Dead shows are not the years most people attended.I rarely meet people who saw shows those years and there was no camp following.We would go to every show within around 500 miles and drive home. Those years saw the demise of something unique. The effects of dope became painfully obvious. Not at first though. When it was time to play the "space " section Of the song there was no fancy equipment. That meant jerry and phil had to work hard by coming up with impromptu musical interludes. There was no long Mickey bit. Just a 10 minute solo and jerry had to get back to playing his guitar hopefully with all his chops at hand. Two times my life was changed forever because of jerry and the dead. One was seeing them play Dark star and St stephen live at nassau colosseum ,Played with conventional instrumentation.... and the other was accidentally being first row while the full overhead lights were on at the garden (for security reasons)and having jerry go out of his way ,shaking his head at me to let me know he dug how happy and tuned in I was.This show has an obscure but notorious history mentioned in Band histories. Ironically he was singing " don't murder me" while all this was going on.I'm sure I learned all the wrong things from this experience but not so. Not even close.Me here now is my testament. Especially in the middle of my spring cleaning roundup. There is a time and a place for everything but weakness in determining the personal level of correctness in that action IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Any musician working two hundred nights a year is a plain MOTHER FUCKER to me.At another time in my life I suspect it would have killed me. That because I wouldn't have been able to differentiate myself from the job and the importance of it on many levels. Jerry was weak and so was Hunter S Thompson. Hunter swore to blow himself up in a rocket ship and instead acted despicably by hurting his Grandchild and son I assume because he didn't want to face himself honestly. When Jerry was pulling in millions Mountain girl was living with there kids on welfare in Oregon. I'm sorry that's weak no matter how great they play. The responsibility of there place could have been much better served.In That area I see an improvement today. Many on a similar level seem to understand this and are fulfilling their functions beautifully.I am an atlanticist with my cultural sentiments more closely allied with the continental.I watch the world through the lens of one who believes that Neo Federalism is inevitable.We all can work on what that neo Federalism will look like. Simply put the human world can only continue in converging on so many levels of our existence on this planet together.It can go smoothly or it can be effed up.Since I like the smooth Idea I look to things that can assist this. Film and Music are certainly important here.This is part of a longer bit so call this the first bit.........

and furthermore....Lady Ga Ga country roads version of Born This Way

2011-03-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

It is a daoist goal to recognize the way in other people free and unencumbered by any form of the teaching.and regrding My post of the Lady Ga Ga country roads rendition of Born this way.I can hear the sitar in there ......but thats just me.I hear an Indian Kirtan actually and Oh...... The whole thing rings my Kundallinni bell righteously hard.I can hear some influence from the sitar it seems to me and I love that combo.The harmonica acts like a harmonium.The avett bros pop um off with raga flavor and I find a lot of raga flavor here.Thats been a highly praised combo when I jam with people out west up in the mountains but even amongst the hillbillies jamming out doors we would tune the bottom E to D and have several big jimbe's and a didjeree doo that is tuned to d.Musicians who are successful on stage at the benchmark level of playing as often as the Grateful dead succeeded in filling a hall do so because they take chances.If they were not doing that then they would not be succeeding as they consistently have. People all love righteous music almost,and music brings people together in all sorts of ways.I think Lady Ga Ga is a big improvement on the grateful dead in a lot of ways but of course who would make silly comparisons? Certainly not me.Maybe for some twisted effect.....But I won't explain what I meant by that even though in many ways its true.Interesting similarities though, but I mean that in a sense of cultural gestalt or something Jungian.As a Teenage Dead head in 1978 I was always proud to pay the ticket price and I imagine the same is just as true today.I'm sure some 17 year old is having just as much of a blast at her shows as I did and or would.

Gotta step out........

2011-03-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

Scrivo queste parole come se per una famiglia sono stati composed.When un bambino è cresciuto privo di un senso di famiglia, trova la famiglia in tutti gli oggetti e tutte le associazioni umane di questa vita di una persona mondo.I doaist è grave. Gravi inclusione dell 'umorismo in vita è un requisito per la pace di un modo sincero di heart.The Dao è reale e così, come la sua chiarezza firma è nella sua semplicità oscuro ed evidente di questo insegnamento, il praticante del modo in cui appare spesso a che fare nulla e nulla lascia undone.He o lei non lo fa, ma diranno che è la via del cielo di agire thus.It è infatti un lavoro molto difficile vivere in uno stile doaist di occhi life.My vedere molti esempi di questo modo di cielo nella vita di orecchie people.My altro senta, e così anche il ritmo del mio battito cardiaco ruggisce in syncronisity con la natura del cuore people.My altro è per le molte persone di mente, come chi non si rendono conto quanto le loro vite rendere sensato vita e quanto desreve mio onore.

Lady Gaga - Born This Way (The Country Road Version)

2011-03-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ya C , now that's exactly why I think so highly Of Lady Ga Ga.There is no substitute for living Musicianship and it speaks for itself beyond confines of any ideal.Beautiful inspiration.

Queen- Brighton Rock

2011-03-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

I do wonder..............This is an early example of analogue delay effect.I don't know the lineage of the effect but I can't think of many better live recordings of its use with guitar.This is some awesome stuff with other parts.This is very special music in every way.

Revision

2011-03-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

I confess that I am responsible for the following but I have to inform whomever that in the history of stronza computer's that still work just enough to make one think that simple operations can be performed,this computer is the great champion.The penultimate heaven of frustration......The mount Olympus of mechanical vampirism. It is Shiva doing the final dance eternally thumping out the beat with the violent toss of destructive bolts of fire.Wait a minute....I think that's a little extreme.... Most important though is the freedom I feel from experiencing the separation of inhuman ideals of wealth and power from authentic experience of another person or people in general.To find the place in myself that creates inhuman ideals and find peace behind it is a sweet reward beyond compare.I'm on a mission to move and that has to be number one in my life.It requires giving up all sorts of things.I have changed trains in Milan many times and drove through it but I never spent time there.I know my idea of changing my environment to force myself to re-activate many dormant parts of my integral self is a very good one and while I am sure that prolonged time in formal Sangha is part of that ,spending time immersed in Italian culture is what nature has decreed as best.The invitation came out of the blue.My friend is a very admirable person and it is an honor for me to sacrifice any aspect of my behavior that does not harmonize with the situation in order realize my dream.I feel its my duty to be my very best so that I do his kindness spiritual justice.I have always loved to wear Double breasted suits and Italian shoes but with a turtle neck mostly.An open shirt is ok but I'll scour the city for the right Italian knit shirt to wear.Then I can have some civility for a change which I love so much.I love Italian civility and frankly I would not hesitate in the slightest at whatever opportunity may present itself in the context of no particular expectation other than anything.So you can Imagine I have to change this and that to do that and this.I have to cut myself slack regarding some plans I had to utilize a learning process.This is for all kinds of personal reasons to do with my environment,Like...... Meanwhile I will go on doing what I can as it comes naturally.

Jefferson Airplane - Bless It's Pointed Little Head - 10 - Bear Melt Part 1

2011-03-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

Oh.......I feel something coming over me

EUREKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-03-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have repeated myself often here for a lot of reasons.I always repeat something I think is worth doing so.Most of it is boring and some of it is just what my brain wiring dictates.I know that a person CAN NOT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ONES LIFE if you want to develop and grow as a human being and towards the common evolution of humanity.I often repeat that the sign of god,or nature or even a well oiled Newtonian universe is EFFICIENCY.I confess i was bafled by the alert post a few weeks ago.I was feeling woefully inept regarding interface with internet tools.Necessity is the mother of my finest self.A closely held belief in social awareness and action and in the correct way has been a frustration but I had faith it would become apparent and through some associations and the people committed in them.......................................So, it seems to me very brilliant to make these requests.You can know what people can produce.I am enthralled with learning and as it happens your choice in these things are perfect and easy to submit to.So I will happily do those things hopefully as required which is a happy feeling when it coincides with so many sides of my life.My idle hands are the Devil's vacation spot sometimes.I'm fixing this computer and reworking my writing skills to fit the nature of written ideas on the computer.The only writing I do well is letters pertaining to business ,their disputes and their need for understanding and cooperation.I was a militant vegetarian when I sold paper .I always got the vegetarian plate at the ultra consevativel PAPER BUSINESS dinners I attended.The people at the table would get jealous and then spend 15 minutes grilling me about vegetarianism.It occurs to me now you may well come across yves, if that was the one you meant.Sometimes associations make for interesting meetings of the minds.This is yves and also a little about his humor. we lived without the things people like with often often these days.He took the subway.In those years there were only a handful of star bankers.A very few.....Felix Rohatyn, Alex goldssmith .Operating the world bank and Imf was also a part of any financiers responsibilities on that level .He only took the concord and one day he had to go over for some emergency and when he got to the concord it was full.Because of whatever it was decided that someone had to get off.Any one> So he suggested Boy George.He is tone deaf for real though but he does keenly take interest in assuring music that creates stronger and more fair connections with races and nations.Other than that ....I get that saint Laurent thing.I thought you might mean the secret one.

But of all the things and next to nothing is...

2011-03-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

Doing something you really love to do as a daily vocation.The very best examples of this are people who have been given the opportunity to find this on their own terms.Completely on their own terms.That means being free from many traditional ideas people have that they never questioned as to how they got them.I hate to preach to the converted including hating preaching period but why would it ever be wrong for people to spend their time wisely by using it apropriately.Change is not social stygmata and either is time.Who does not applaud the idea that at various points in life we each have to foccus carefully on what we can do to gratify ourselves and the world around us.Social action is no different.its common to find that men often do not focus their goals to the exclusion of other quick gratifications.Often a social reason but the inferiority a man may may feel could compel him to put romance first.I made that mistake many years ago but I think it was the right mistake,No reason to invent a crises because of it.So......as i was saying....the best of us take the time to do things they love consistently or at least go out to find it and know that whatever good they have will come to them at the right time and place without worry over "relationship".I do not think a very succesful career means a sacrifice in ones humanity but it requires prioritizing in a very emotionally concise way.If people put their pririties in order like this then perhaps there wouldn't be so many divorces.Relationship is not for helping your partner pretend something in their mind is real let alone should it be side tracking and keeping them from action.Demanding in any way???????????Only one person can be demanding in a relationship to a greater or lesser extent.I wish my love for what is exactly as it is and should be could be written by me but it sounds off.I do not have to explain myself but I have because It tells me alot about life and people.I am in love with exactitude you could say.If I love something and understand it I know I do when My heart stays constant and free from doubt regardless of changing relativw position.Time is observable and clarity emerges .Deep sincere love of about any form leeds one to to a deep inner love that would not ever feel unnatural about the flow and time of nature.It does not ask of others to do anything but be themselves including....however they involve themselves with you.

yucknid masdo yarnling kitsdeft hab ned flingtutle,mlickblad kler zing.

2011-03-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

Sono quasi positivo sarei molto diverso se una lingua romanza era la mia lingua madre e che le lingue romanze vestito il mio temperamento e la preferenza nella mia espressione naturale di words.In una torsione bizzarra e psicologicamente a causa di un tipo di mimando due persone possono spesso che si annuncia nella biologia di vivere con un'altra persona .. io continuo imitare nel modo peggiore perché mi ha permesso infatuazioni infantile con la forma fisica e l'esperienza tattile di governare la mia vita per un tempo o meglio, si è chiarito a me nel tempo. ............. E 'possibile mi sento in questo modo sulle lingue romanze, perché mio nonno era un ebreo rumeno person.But non ho nessuna voglia di parlare o leggere l'ebraico o yidish in modo che non può essere.

Therefore......

2011-03-16T06:41:00.000-07:00

I won't worry about how messed up that bit got because I feel very certain I'm understood with consideration.Which makes me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy, is that wanting validation.....to be happy with someone saying to me I understand you and leave it all up to them and be satisfied regardless of their chemistry with you or whatever? I am not sure but it I tend to give credit to god/nature particularly writing songs when it come out like the recent one.I would be shocked to find out something is different than what I thought.I think I'm seeing something so great and i'm confusing it with something else somehow.They are great and they don't need to hear me say it.I admit that there is a fallacy in the idea of opposites attracting but I have to decide what opposite is which sometimes means being very honest with myself and that has been the most important practice to me........writing these tentative posts here and being honest about how what I write compares to the truth I know privately so to speak. Off to jaunt in solitude..........

Oops....a section got left out for about a 4 sentences at the exact middle

2011-03-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

Non riesco a scrivere di qualcosa di meno la libertà che si mettono me.It è la libertà dalla sacrifice.I sentire la libertà di una fiducia molto profonda in else.Trust qualcuno che mi permette di essere liberi di agitazione tanto causato da doubt.You diventare una persona medicinale quattro me perché i miei sentimenti e pensieri sono in linea con la migliore che io am.I non voglio avere ragione, non ho un'agenda diversa di vivere senza un senso di necessità di difesa e il mio istinto sono in miglioramento. Essere scartata da voi, non interessa this.Its meglio non essere attratti da persone che non mi piace e che non vuol dire odiarli in return.Its sani per la cura di me stesso e l'amore mi basta considerare non venga respinto personalmente e anche per allontanarsi da quella person.I avrebbe scritto molte volte su argomenti attinenti al danno incredibile e io assalto ha circa due anni ago.I non either.I fiducia così tanto che non mi interessa il negativo esperienza o l'esperienza di essere oggetto di un'altra persona di sé hate.The carattere difensivo di dire che la gente mi dice che spirito hanno bisogno compassion.If non riesco a mescolare le emozioni mi prendo la compassione che funziona sempre che non impegnarsi in comunicazione arrabbiato semplifica la vita come io go.I Sono consapevole della persona che si arrabbia, ma non essere sulla difensiva it.I non vuoi essere un cantautore, volevo solo scrivere una canzone per te, senza l'aggiunta di pensieri e sentimenti che sono passati e non hanno nulla a che fare wiAnche cambiamenti esterni che si verificano imprevisti e richiedono un sacco di fuoco e una attenzione è inclinato verso anche che influiscono. Scrivo questo per questo reason.By la scrittura e per qualcuno sono costretto a diventare più clear.In questo esempio per quanto riguarda una scossa sostenuta da una parte subconscia di me stesso che è così dominante che a volte ho una reazione tutto cuore che credo si si witnessed.This Tutto è cominciato nel tempo 1998-99.That che credo che siate coscienti di che anche se è puramente una supposizione e non un giudizio, mi spiego .,..... prima rispetto a quelle di anni fa ... . che era solo e semplicemente una serie più bizzarro e sventurato di confluenza effettivo di qualsiasi piano di esistenza chiunque può pensare of.Very modo pratico per spingere me stesso passato un sacco di paura, piuttosto che fuggire in una grotta in Tibet e provare e credo cambiato e capito qualcosa di più della person.I mai sentirsi ogni superiorità di un altro perché la gente è così brillante se si rispettano ciò che sono dentro di te, senza una serie di sentenze scomode e di emozioni spiacevoli come la paura. Capisco limiti dell'altra persona e quello che fanno non solo di vincere ma superano di gran lunga them.How potrebbe I. .... me ..... ralph mai tenere qualcosa contro qualcuno che lo fa con me.I punto ricordare che ha realizzato questo prima, ma ho usato per scrivere di lui usando l'esperienza per andare oltre e ho pensato che fosse uno spreco se non avessi vantaggio internamente in myself.Contentment comprensione è sempre il mio obiettivo. Briefly....it brings great peace to me to know contentment as available when I think about sacrificing part of myself in the experience of being in love.Its not an immature baby-like hope.Something is that or it isn't but the that is clear to me and that makes a world of difference.I desired to share things that are important to me by blogging and mostly because I realized I might write something clearly enough someone might also be in a position to hear it.Same goes with why I post music ultimately.In the same way I do not dislike my music because someone else feels that way.I think I only get mad when I have a doubt in my mind that I don't want to consider.This post must be quite off without the bit left out but I didn't want to waste what I had written.........bassically, if I am right than I can't be wrong because only contentment and I do mean beyond avarice and debauchery and foul language...................but including...............The actual puts me at ease whether they are real or not........the further place of being beyond petty self interest as a means to feel safe.........If what I feel is not real I no longer doubt that my thoughts and emotions have broken in to a deep place with in me that is liberating and that comes through the sacrifice of long cherished beliefs and ideas of controlling my life that don't work.I can't feel angry about it,there is no place for it and it has nothing to do with the people who pick it up...................

My flowz fuppkd up

2011-03-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

That couldn't be right but I was simultaneously living the reality of it in front of me while writing.Its tricky to right about personal issues in relationships if you involve everything around you and within you with out discretion.I highly don't advise it.Still, I always thought I could stop being embarrassed all the time by facing it which just made it easier to accept and so I became more indiscreet, desultory and boring.All along I was considering a different narrative.I was so embarrassed by my anger and still feel embarrassed now .Weired things embarrass me and my song is all that.Its not an embarrassing song per say but its embarrassing to me. I wanted to split last autumn but it was a good thing I didn't because embarrassment is mostly the reason why.I knew I would be increasingly embarrassed until I turned in to a pretzel. A bad joke will always be that unfortunately no matter how one tries to learn from it or the experience or paint a rosy picture of life. I have almost nothing to write at the moment ...... finally .....with words like this............

100 PROOF PUDDING or Volkswagen jelly bean muesli cough drop

2011-03-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

You could poor Bicardi all over cake and get a 100 proof rum pudding sort of.Rum is never liberating to me no matter how much cola and and the words Cuba lebere'(spell check) are put together.I definitely have an oral fixation this evening which writing could sooth.Bur frankly I can barely sit on how pissed off I am.The kind of pissed off that feels like you just went in your pants and your just sitting there with it because there's nothing you can do.I think I'm as good at that as I care to be at this point.......................................Throw fruit at me.Whenever I write something for real it will be a novel in the first person.I don't want to write about my life directly so there are many possibilities of completely changing time place and circumstances in to just about anything completely different.The worst effects of a relationship on ones life can be found in the language that's used in small matters.I think its overstated to judge people on that because its part of a complicated story of need ,filling need and how it plays out and makes life all messed up.I don't think judging someone because they snatch something is a rule to live by.Its easy to see how people will lie to themselves and lie to each other to keep a relationship going.It could also turn in to a nightmarish old age...........................Its often better to not like someone when you first meet them, I suspect, but that becomes complicated with sexual attraction(which can make it worth not not liking them if you find what you really don't like is coming mostly from oneself,you,people,them,us bla bla bla.I want to write the first book that puts sections in to one sentence that reads .........' Description,Fill in this part yourself' , or "description of the Himalayas.......please imagine.......'
`

................................

2011-03-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

what someone says they wan't often means what they plan on pretending to look for because they don't want it and nothing is good enough.The one who expresses the opposite by word or action is often the one who is truly desirous.If something someone does causes an aversive reaction thats common in others I check it out to see why.often what people say bothers them about something has to do with themselves,nothing is more this way then intimacy and what people embrace.I found who deserves what I can give because they need it most and scream that out in what they do and what they say.Thats what I experience when I see them I won't waste what is dear to my nature and integral to who I am on someone who does not want it and I don't ever want to do it again.I chose to be with someone who would never accept what I can give on a real level for complicated reasons but they seem irrelevant to me now.When someone tells me something that is screaming that it does't want intimacy.............. I find its usually wanted ..... but only from someone who see's the need in them through the mask of protection to their full expression some of which looks very sexy when hidden................

Lock and re-Load

2011-03-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

A good band name. 6 hours trying to upload on to bunk and corrupted software and at least 18 more to go.Good things come to those who wait but waiting is no guarantee.On the other hand waiting tends to clarify and makes a person's faith in another person strong.A sense that the whole picture is not clear to another and waiting for them to figure something out.It could be very disappointing but its worthwhile for somethings that are almost apparent in someone else because of rarity.I do not think something can be other than its nature no matter what thoughts or words are used.I can't pretend something is not true even when I try to talk myself in to it or try and find a rational by stoking mean or negative thoughts and words about someone else.I know that has happened and I know I have written things that I did not publish that were expressions like that.Its sort of funny ..........because I suspected very strongly that my anger was very confused and I made every attempt to sit on most of it.Lets say I wrote my anger out out and saved it to draft and it became a rejected post.No matter what it said its not the same as a posted expression.I think the one who is silent and does not let on what they are doing is likely to take things from where they are supposed to come from and not evidence to prove how horrible another person is.That allows me to have trust.In one case something pisses me off while in another way and from another it won't.I am more relieved by the minute because I c that I was being slow to realize what someone else realized much much faster than I could have thought.I was busy fooling myself by convincing myself that I felt differently than what should have been obvious to me.In fact I genuinely feel that what I am thinking about someone else is close to the reality of who they are in this case.That's very very little of course.....but the obvious barriers I look for subconsciously in others to protect myself from the love that I feel were superseded.I think writing a song was a good idea because a lot of what I am feeling comes out much better that way.I have finally found the vision that can carry me through whatever I do and wherever I go because it gives me a benchmark of sorts.Lots of aspects of my personality, likes and dislike have been taken over by the results of some bad choices I made and how I forgot myself as a result.It makes sense because I saw these things in someone else's personality and it pushed me to consider what I saw that I could relate to for myself.The desires I have can only be fulfilled by oneself because they concern what would be no matter what my life situation was.I feel like aliens are doing surgery on my ethereal bodies while I'm sleeping........I can barely contain my joy and I most likely ought to be crying...................I'm going with the joy and I confess I am protecting it so I can keep moving along this way.Its moving me and inspiring me and I feel unlike anything I have ever felt so I can't reject these feelings.I am sure of how I feel and I know I am not subconsciously choosing the obvious destructive scenario because of the feelings I'm not having and because I genuinely feel loyalty and inspiration for another person in a way that is free from their actions.I know this could not happen again because its completely the real thing to me.I do not think I will ever have to explain myself again because what I'm thinking is known already.I won't feel like this again and I do not think its possible.My nature and the essence of it are owned by another person for all intents and purposes. I have outright put every egg in one basket forever because its so odd and so impossible that Its worth the risk of resting on my perception of another.I am sure about my feelings in that they are not about scenarios and situations with someone else but the fact of who they are which remains mysterious at the same time.I am completely beyond avoiding pain for this.Nothing works at all.It sort of turns me on to know someone has so much power over me and I feel sexy about it like I'm playing out a scene.I won't avoid their rejection of me but I want to keep going until I upload my song at least !!!!!.The song says a lot of things I can't seem to communicate well in any other way...........................I in fact have faith in god or nature as expressed through another in this case so they can not be wrong in what they do but I could also be an atheist and feel the same way.God and nature do not have to be there but since I believe something moves my life thats somehow beyond normal understanding I feel more honest admitting it regardless of ho someone might think to use it against me or are sure its childish.

hardcastle laundry blender streetlamp

2011-03-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm living to record this song in the next few days.I changed my name also.Its now AHAB because I am not going to not do it.I think it would be a good thing if all people in a relationship bla bla were fulfilled by the experience so that neither ever felt that a chemical could do more than their mate.I have been angry about that aspect of pharmies from the psychiatrist or anything that person places as beyond a given "us".Its the need,the sense of lack that makes me angry.I don't care anymore what this feeling is or where it comes from but 4 meee I'm sure a quote unquote genuinely comfortable loving relationship is ordered with each other as the first place to go ,quite naturally.Could there be anything better? Is that too good to be true or has that become de-emphasized in our culture at the level of how we make love to one another.I think I want to try my hand at writing pornographic rock and roll a little more pornographic than previously.I am sure I could write great Gay pornographic rock and roll.It would probably Backfire.............

something about psychotherapy and..........

2011-03-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200806/secrets-psychotherapy-part-4-change-or-acceptance Secrets of Psychotherapy (Part 4) : Change or Acceptance?
What is the ultimate goal of psychotherapy?
Published on June 26, 2008 Let's start with a simple word association experiment: When you think about psychotherapy, what is the first word that comes to mind to describe what therapy is all about? Take a few seconds. Got it? For many of you, my guess is that one, if not the very first, of those words was change. But what if I were to tell you that psychotherapy is really at least as much about acceptance as change?

When Sigmund Freud made the oft-cited and misunderstood statement that the purpose of psychoanalysis is to "transform neurotic misery into common unhappiness," he was speaking of change. But how is even such seemingly modest change accomplished in therapy? So much of the changes that happen in psychotherapy parallel a gradual process of acceptance: acceptance of life as it truly is, as opposed to the way we wish it to be. Acceptance of past childhood trauma and its pervasive unconscious influence in the present. Acceptance of ourselves for who we are, rather than who we are not. Freud's off-the-cuff comment may seem cynical. But when seen in the light of his own personal suffering from oral cancer during the final fifteen years of his life, and how he stoically faced that terrible fate, it is a mature and sober commentary on the absolute necessity of acceptance. Rather than reflecting his profound pessimism about the human condition, as many mistakenly conclude, Freud's remark recognizes deeply and personally the need for courageous acceptance of physical and emotional suffering, and the high price we pay for trying to avoid or deny life's tragic aspect.

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The concept of acceptance is especially prominent in Eastern philosophy and religion, as well as in Christianity and other great religious systems. Nowhere, for example, in religious literature is this spiritual principle of accepting life's suffering more dramatically, movingly and elegantly depicted than in the archetypal image of the Crucifixion. Acceptance is key to spiritual enlightenment, as illustrated repeatedly in timeless texts like the Old Testament's Book of Job, the Hindu Bhagavad Gita, the noble teachings of Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha), and the Tao Te Ching. But even Buddhists, Hindus, Taoists and other spiritual seekers sometimes lose sight of the primacy of acceptance. Consider this complaint of one frustrated Buddhist meditation practitioner: "I've been meditating for thirty years--and I'm still angry!" He seeks to eradicate rather than accept his anger--and this is precisely what needs to change.

Drawing implicitly from these wisdom teachings of the East, clinical psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan (University of Washington) incorporates this paradox or "dialectic" of change vs. acceptance in her increasingly popular Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT is a highly-structured form of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with a distinctive spiritual or philosophical component. Specializing in the treatment of borderline personality disorder, Linehan recognizes the need in working with these challenging patients for teaching what she refers to as "radical acceptance"-- right alongside the necessity to change their distorted cognitions and self-destructive behavior. "Radical acceptance" is the tolerant embracing of how and who one is ............go to web site to continue.................. Practicing something means working on it and I realized how much I decided to do the opposite of making what's in front of me pre-eminent, in a manner of speaking.It took me so long to accept a lot of things in front of me chiefly.Forget the brain.............just to accept that my partner is how she is got so drawn out and involved.I have to spend a lot of time alone for a while whatever that means.That's imperative if I want to live because adapting and accepting has bent me all out of shape.I have let people walk all over me at times but I learned a lot more about people that I did not and would not accept previously.In the past few years I thought I could handle the obstructions better emotionally.I never foresaw living in my partner's isolated fashion and I have always intended on spending most of my time being involved with helping people in some way that is balanced sincere and useful.In a city where the choices are limitless I found myself paralyzed by what was around me in a strange way.It seems so unimportant.I could not address a lot of things on this blog that I ought to have but I pushed myself to try and understand a wider picture.I like sympathetic people but not sympathy for its own sake.I could not describe some things in my life because its better to avoid causing sympathy from other people.Its easy to be misunderstood in the process of explaining things.Sometimes I thought it would be good to write about what was happening in my life but I wasn't sure what that was.I mean, I actually thought I should share what was going on which would be impossible.Because someone caught my attention in a way that made it worthwhile for me to do so, I cut off my attention to negative feelings about issues I had.It is interesting to me that Subjective Validation was brought up in the middle of what was happening but this bit about Picasso might explain a little bit about the mixed feelings I had.We used to like to read Andre' Breton, Annals Nin and the surrealists.Picasso was amongst this crowed and they all took a large house together in the country one summer.The wife or lover of one of the famous painters was also a painter but she had unusual brain wiring and I guess she was peculiar.Perhaps she annoyed Picasso but one day when she went shooing Picasso and the woman's husband decided to hurt her irreparably which they did.Every day when she went out they would perfectly alter her paintings.Soon she went crazy and gave up painting for life.They didn't tell her and had no thought about the repercussions for her.After reading that I have been prejudiced against him while his last self portraits are easier to understand considering this.I understood the difference but I knew I had to overcome my fear of rejection and I was glad to have the chance.I was seriously perturbed by it also.I am gratified now because of it.Its clear to me that people do things and do not realize the effects they have on each other.And I couldn't see the kindness and care that was also there.I have to believe that that was true for the sake of living and sanity.I can't accept that someone could not be the general and distant way I perceive them and be that particular individual.That has become very important to me because I don't want to die thinking otherwise about them because the experience was very significant.So I protect my feelings so I can continue to grow with the situation without having false ideas and emotions about something I'm not sure of.I can take this good will with me wherever I go in the world and I also can't help feeling the fallacy of negative thoughts in the face of my perception of this person.Wherever I can sea a type of subjective perception of a natural perfection of self in another I have to opt towards giving them the benefit of any doubt.I can see myself such that I can understand my mis-perceptions through the being of another.....

But a Nuclear Meltdown will directly affect us all

2011-03-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

That's the worst News.....flooding Nuclear reactors with sea water is a bad sign.People have to volunteer to die in order to contain these things if Chernobyl is an example.It was just like this.....They did not release any info until the satellites spoted the explosion but this looks like a melt down if sea water is being pumped in to use as coolant! Its impossible not to grieve with them at this point.

Rhinoceroses

2011-03-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

I feel certain that rhinoceroses watch msnbc in the early morning and the oldest rhino of them all in political odds making, pat Buchanan, makes it useful among other potential reasons.I was gratified in the midst of watching japan and feeling concerned to hear Pat call Curtis Le may a Holocaust criminal, which he was based on the decision to fire bomb Tokyo as he made and carried out.I wonder who I would have been If I had never known about it.It was a shameful event and it seems to me the United States and Japan are intertwined because of it.There is a movie on sundance this morning that seems to take place in the area where the quake hit and you can see how beautiful it was.A very good current Japanese film made in 2009 about contemporary life in Japan called " still Waking ".I got teary eyed at the very end when they walk down the hill and I did not feel manipulated in to doing so.Its a good example of a simple film with a simple location and design working well through good film writing.I get the feeling this film shows that part of japan that was destroyed yesterday at any rate and, like Katrina, whats gone will not be seen again like that.The carefully pruned flora is gone and that's a lot. Especially from what I recall of the charm of New Orleans.I tried to explain to friends that if they had not been to New Orleans they never will but unlike me they did not know what they would now miss.Many years of art washed away.I'm sure parts still have the trees and bushes and all the excellent knick nacky things the people put about their houses but I'm sure its terribly changed.

Coughing it up continued

2011-03-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

Realizing people are animals is one of my favorite things.I first bought plants then graduated to a cat then it was on to humans and what have you.I feel like a perfect chimpanzee most of the time.Its hard for a chimp in new york.I know I have a twin in this world from my viewpoint but that's between me and a silent yet potently portending universe.I truly believe in the correctness of sincerity and attention to detail that is an emblem of someone's love, evidently, but in a way that might not be apparent.I don't believe some things in this world can happen any way but the best way.The truth doesn't nag a person in general or cause them confusion so freedom of action becomes imperiled.Freedom to live life with out doubt and to do the simple things in front of oneself as if they were the most important thing in the world.I have loved many dour faced angry people in my life because they very loving and truly sincere in their inimitable way.They were never only dour and angry it seemed to me.............I'm digressing from my digression.I'm always amazed how people who have completely different lives arrive at the same places.Its very normal for me to admire parts of myself that come out much better in others.I do not feel decreased.My arms cry out to embrace the one that seems to need it most?That always consumed and superseded much in my life.A good thing about esoteric study is that if it has or had any value it conforms itself to your lifestyle in an available way.I had not realized the extent of seeing oneself in another as " better " is overwhelming.Its similar to the accident of very similar mentalities as a result of shocks and trauma but its not.The later can cause people not to be able to stand in the room with someone else.In this case its more like seeing who you are if you didn't go through experiences in your life that changed your destiny like that.Its not truly like that because what I see is actually nothing to do with happenstance at all` or the vicissitudes of life.I see myself so hard that it melts my heart in an incredible way while the whole picture causes a predictable response I guess.I have not ever imagined that my mind,emotions,psychology and Body would exist in accord and that's independent from desiring someone to be and act and speak as I wish them to.I think the subject of how people relate and feel about each other is a sloppy one.That's life....that's art.........Out of the slop come the very best flowers around the world over.Lotus flowers come to mind in India........................................................

............its all about whats in your head it seems to me..........

2011-03-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

The emphasis means to be on self honesty not about things in ones head being real.And timing is everything.When I first became involved with my partner I was briefly going to a very loud mouthed aged psychiatrist who was nuts.When I told him about our relationship and what I liked about it he said , almost loudly hissing......" Stay away from her , she's a hysterical bitch who's using you as a human dildo".....................The reaction of most psychiatrists especially above a certain age is always laughter then they say " oh god" as they put their head in their hands.It sounded very good to me at the time and confirmed my decision.We never lived together until 2001 and still spent lots of time apart but I could never escape the truth about whatever condition I was in.Rather than accept it I would opt to imagine things.I started doing that a lot when I was 6 or 7.It truly goes away as you get older.but with that comes a responsibility to yourself as far as what thoughts and ideas one is focused on.The personality is like a mixing board and you mix down but never out those parts of your song that no longer serve you.And while I am very hot to trot with some people and I get BLUE thinking about making love to them and feeling wooden I have already been a human dildo.Similarities one finds in others is vital to you whether you like them or not.Comparing oneself to others never works while jealousy can be refocused as admiration.I wonder if what makes someone interesting is how it is that they can be similar yet arrive there on very different avenues.If only I did not feel it is disloyal to write much about my feelings towards my " partner".Suffice to say that it is undesirable to be very mad at someone and love them perpetually.Its beyond being right or arguing its just that I don't think good relationships in my mind should not be based on difficulty." Difficulty " makes being in love incredible though.Excuse me.......a creature needs tea...............and in keeping with the practice of addressing what is in front of me with the better part of myself,regardless of what my mind is thinking or what my heart is feeling but including them........

the world is safe from my song upload for now

2011-03-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

I thought it would work....this happens to me every time with no exception ever in the history of (that's not true)................easily solved and for a good reason.I'm unlikely to become uninspired in doing it anyway until then......

I was sitting on the bus minding my own business when

2011-03-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Something came over me that was a beautiful feeling and I can't take credit for it other than to say I experienced it.....

.............................The Giant Leap Of Faith

2011-03-11T08:26:00.001-08:00

True romantic love between two people has its own language which is unknown to either party.I think that's a condition that a person must achieve by themselves and there is no reverse engineering.I suspect biology takes over my being in a " man and super man " kind of way(george bernard shaw) whatever that means.I can no longer deny that to myself.The universe seems averse to me taking any other route and you could call me purchased now on account of this.Its a very nice feeling to write a song and find yourself humming it or hearing it in your head.My recording methods now are a digital video camera which records the sound well enough to separate it from the video with software you can download.Presently the camera I use has the most bunk sort of files and software in spite of my dumbness in learning how to use these things.I would not mention it but for the strange amount of hassle I have with these things seems almost supernatural.I am glad to learn not to freak out at everything and calmly find a solution.The universe and its method of me conquering a learning disability.Stupid phrase that one for sure but what do you call a child that gets held back almost two grades and had to go to a tutor 4 days a weak then barely graduated high school and got accepted to a college as look as I went to summer school.And I ATTENDED CLASSES IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats pretty dorky.You would think at least I was cutting classes and burning down the library.There are not enough kind words to express the amount of help the teachers gave me.Even the ones that were averse to me agreed on helping me for the most part.I gave them no reason to give me a hard time and I guess they did not want to see me for another year but they knew I did not belong there.Several insisted that I not go to college because I was too backwards or whatever ,while I didn't think graduating college was a good idea because non of the artists I liked at the time did, and I thought it was a better to get on with it.I had the worst social skills imaginable, and I was ' me' then also.Sometimes I pray for myself in the past.I think of myself in hopeless times in the past when my mentality was very negative in every way about situations I thought were hopeless and I pray for myself then.Its sort of a weired way to be a parent to oneself.Thats what it takes for me in life for a variety of reasons.The important thing is to make the changes everyday and in small ways.I can have bad social media skills and relearn social skills without freaking out but u c the point.The experience opens all the doors of a person's way of relating with one another.I had to put my trust in something much more than me to get over my instinctual reactive opinions and subsequent acting out of them.I could not hide from my response to the unusual things I c but I admit I'm love struck by the art of the formal in the way of things.Each formal moment in love is an eternity of bliss like nuzling ones face on another's chest.Oceanic and expansive with no barrier.A perfect duality and causality because the formal gives birth to it its opposite. Excellence demands excellence without assertion.You could say that excellence creates excellence in other people.Its inspiring and so is nature.I am in a state of awe and I love it.The awe is for the experience of what I'm feeling and how elemental it is.Gravity aligns so that imagining looking deeply in someones eyes defies it.I have not ever felt this correct in my life about the unity of my mind my body and my heart.I could never duplicate this feeling and I would not want to.

Happy Eyeballs!

2011-03-10T17:19:00.000-08:00

Here at IPSOFACTOTUM we want the very happiest of eyeballs..............................The type of eyeballs with hearts and minds willing to be happy.One possible way of thinking is that through the auspice of a new world age of human communication you are one who has put themselves through it which means you have the privilege of being you.You get back what you put in and sometimes an arbitrary attitude is not best, or it seems to me now.Its not about good or bad or nice or mean etc. It can be but....... that's up to the individual.American people love to abuse a privilege and make no mistake if you think I don't know and feel this way from myself.In short.....and I know this sounds very ugly on the surface but human beings have to purchase their way in human life through Bizarre forms of natural bondage to each other.Relationship between people now encompasses all the things we are in a bigger way.I think its because of the so called atomic family model.All our history as much as we know human's lived in a tight family unit with all the relatives available to help.Now we expect that individual people fill those rolls at different times.Its hard to do that without suffering some time.New ways for people to communicate such as it is on line means means above all, new.Its unknown.The data on this is always hot off the press and I don't think its abnormal for some people to feel they have a ringside seat to Human Evolution while they take turns being in it.Nothing wrong with that.Fine lines are fine and deadlines are deadly which is really stupid but sums up my attitude kind of.Why this should be so I am sure I don't know but most nod agreeably that in life one gets accused of one thing when one was really doing another thing they are loath to confess.And I wont say one if I can help it as a challenge.......... its very obnoxious is it not?This is my only chance to be obnoxious in a grand style..........But those days of obnoxiousnessness are over 4 me...accept 4 specialty Tailored for amusement ..........If you created something through your involvement with something or someone that defies category but exists of its own volition and accord it exists no matter what I might think to the contrary.I realize that's vague but I am really beginning to believe in the unknown in a new way.All of this can be written about but are very near to being intimate with a stranger.That can not be bad in and of itself on any level.Its bad if you think someone is kissing your ass for any reason because A.......how could you know the uncomfortable ones from the manipulating ones and B people are aversive to it so it sucks.Via time, anything is possible on a fundamental level given the right recipe.What things are and are not are very obvious no matter how much humans can pretend to themselves which works in any direction.Nature can grab hold of ones life..............but ......faith is faith............not a mental gymnasium but not one if necessary. The heart of sincere people is also known through silence which I do well to remember.`

The Berlin wall

2011-03-10T09:01:00.000-08:00

This computer is forever messed up.My experience is it just keeps going back to the same problems over and over so I work with its limitation.Its annoying to write things for a few hors and lose them but this is normal.I made a video recording of a song I wrote in 1995 and I never wanted to share it.I in fact specifically did not want to because of its meaning to me.Expressing oneself through any lyrical music composition trumps my wayward and haphazard manner regarding personal feelings expressed extemporaneously at this blog.I know... you should say Duh to me but I won't rush the action of writing a song which is why its a better choice for me.There is a reason why that happened though.I can't do what I thought I could with writing because my mind fly's off ,I don't finish my thoughts in writing and I often never get to the point at all ................P.s To whom it may concern Almost perfect but I would never have said " I'll stop bothering you " for one thing, and unless you were on the another side of the phone when I made a general comment in to the ethos of the telephone..........and I took it back fast.............and I am special, I have never wished someone to be in a doctors office.I highly recommend a sort of Freudian therapy as carried out by psychiatrists today but Its kind of too late for me to commit to that many years .It takes 12 ti 18 years in many cases but if you start relatively young amazingly these folks seem to do well and maintain their inimitable individualism while being comfortable being quote unquote Normal.In fact if I went back to being twenty six that's one thing I would do.Not to feel normal but to be the normal me.I stopped thinking to much about any comments or the comments where the comments should not have been a long time ago.I sort of found ways to write about it 'as if ' all kinds of things were true about it.I allowed for a much wider space in my heart and mind but not for something in return in the manner ascribed to me.In fact I have noticed many accidental things attached to me on line that i thought others may have judged me for and that might upset me a lot but I can not disagree with them because that's what they see.I put my faith in people to either realize something different is the case or not.I insist on that happening naturally but the process of writing can get lost in having a reason.I also did not want to discourage someone from communicating like that because of the humor and good intention I thought was present somehow.On that level its fun and light.I don't know why I would write things about it like that and I think I mentioned something about " being understood" recently that is not even close to what I thought I was trying to communicate.So fuck it.I try to not to try and express myself as I am and know that's enough.Not wanting to express something that winds up being offensive is different than wanting to be liked.That's the only reason why I wrote that stuff about the word lady and ralphue may.I am real stupid sometimes but at those times I actually thought I could prove that I don't.Its even worse because most people basically do.That's pretty nuts......" Hey look.... I want you not to like me" Hooray. We each can have an innate sense of belonging in this world and its my desire to promote that .That doesn't mean life isn't life and it certainly does not mean I can't get sidetracked in a destructive way.I noticed and thought about much more than I felt comfortable writing.I am happy to say that I have not changed my overall positive feelings about humanity and I do not feel bothered when its done in good taste.This is confounding to try and make room for something strange and out of the ordinary and respect that in my manner and then find I can't tell what's even remotely happening.I didn't play along being confused by what appeared to be an un natural amount of fickleness as far as writing.It seemed like someone being simultaneously more than one person which makes me pause.Some of us are very diverse in our interesting personalities.I had one reason for writing this blog and it is not the reason I have foisted on myself that has constrained me for quite a while.True....I did something else even from the start, but that could never compete with the competitive person.I have had a few really rotten moments and many were unprovoked so I put up with some things because I thought it was only fair.I mean a longer time ago(6 years).One thing I like about competitive people is they do not like to win by taking unfair advantage generally.I think its part of their learning process to see the difference.I also think people who are sharply hot and cold and who are very expressive to be great people.I like them and do not want to suggest that I ever have stopped or that I did not laugh nervously when they yelled at me so to speak.Real things remain real to me by themselves and I don't know how or why.But I like it.I am done with this subject and life is free to live.......................do as you please but I confess to wishing the best things for (as far as I can Imagine) anyone in contact with me because I feel better when they do on account of my perspective which serves me on simultaneous levels including the one where I get angry.Enough of this..................on to uploading............I confess I feel compelled to relate something about Picasso regarding some things to do with all of this but at a later time.

a lttle snippit ofAsh Wednesday by T S Eliot

2011-03-09T19:56:00.000-08:00

A brief bit at the start and then the link.....T.S. Eliot - Ash Wednesday
I

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessèd face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now
http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/tseliot/372

And this, the bit,coming before which it was previously incarnated.

2011-03-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

On the off chance that someone knows Latin by studying it, I can still write this way.It translate back in to gobledy-guck.Then again it might make sense to one who knows......I'm not sure.I thought that whomever it was who responded to me in latin and in a mixed tongue must have a good sense of humor.Its easy for me to put on ideas as if they were a yogic assanna but one that is internal.That's what I learned about yoga: that the physical assana's match an internal one.So anyway I have played with myself regarding a host of strange things I saw on line.I did not mind certain intrusions based on a degree of light attitude being displayed.In fact it thrilled me.It also fit with my grand romantic notion of romancing a soul.Romancing a soul is void of sexual preference but I could describe a physical person also which is based on all kinds of complicated reasons .If I can assume a roll and feel the feelings I look to see how it affects me and often can learn .On line you are not supposed to take much stock in much of anything you read that is annonymous and if some one tries to be sincere and honest whatever they are trying to convey will be watered down by the bad apples not to mention oneself when confused.So much so that something that one originally meant to be light and pleasantly useful or thrilling gets watered down and altered by foreign influences in varieties of ways.I kind of never got there.It looks really stupid when I tried to supplicate them in some way because I thought it was fair.I'm no suicide but I take it very seriously in others.I thought I was trying to kill myself when I was eight years old but that is not suicidal.All that says is that I was a strange child.But I refuse to hurt someone So you see it would be impossible to communicate with anyone on that basis on line.I profess my love to two woman and castrina knows that about me.She knows I love the notion that nature would put two people together who would understand the deepest parts of each other automatically.It doesn't sound romantic but it causes a romantic heart to enliven life.I believe the process of union is a metaphor for union with the divine.For certain it could never be wrong.There would be no doubt about the other and I take back what I wrote a while back.You can be sure if you have authentic feelings for someone that turn you on it is a guarantee that your kisses will create a galactic firework's show.Now.....as near as I could tell ....someone wants to tell me how someone doesn't like me or something............Somethings are determinate and some not.Part of feeling well in life is taking a stern hand with oneself about anything obsessional based on indeterminate .....

Sister Liberation

2011-03-08T07:19:00.001-08:00

n casu off aliquis scit quod notitia Latin possum scribere tamen retrorsum translate way.It ad guck.Then-gobledy iterum faceret secundum scienti ...... I'm non certus. quem putabam fore, qui respondit mihi Latina lingua in mixto oportet de bono facile patiar humor.Its imponere ideas quasi a assanna yogic at quae internal.That est quid didici Yoga de ut physici's assana one.So interna match usquam ego ipse de quo ludunt exercitu mira line.I Vidi quaedam animi non innititur intrusiones gradum lucis esse animum suspensum revera displayed.In componeret me.It mea magna romancing venereum a ratione animae soul.Romancing caret venere sed potius a scriberet et persona physica fundata complicated variis causis. supponemus si volumen sentiunt animum intendo quomodo me afficit saepe discitur. tu lineam non creditum stock multum demas aliquid multa legeris et annonymous est si quis voluerit sine simulatione quae honesta quaerunt erit transferre inebriabitur down a malo mala, nedum se cum eo ut confused.So aliquid quod primo intelligitur ut lux utilis aut iucunde iuvenale gets down rigavit mutata in peregrinis artibus genera quaedam non ways.I illuc . vere stultum Videtur conatus cum supplicare quia aliquo modo putavi fair.I 'm occidere sed non opinor, dolor in cogitatione others.I dabam me occidere cum octo annorum erat sed quod non est, quod ait suicidal.All me esse alienum nolo child.But quis noceat Vides ergo impossibile esset aliquem communicare in ea ratione profitentur line.I amores duo femina scit castrina de me amare me.She ratio det natura duo simul intelligere quis infima inter aures non automatically.It sed venereum venereum facit cor credo life.I vivífica processus unio translatione enim unionem quandam divine.For numquam potuit wrong.There fore quin de aliis et aufer quidquid autem scripsi back.You securus si quis affectus authentica conversis vobis est sponsio oscula creabit show.Now Galactic's firework quam proxime ..... possem dicere quis velit .... dic quomodo quis me non amat uel ...... ...... sunt determinata aliqua not.Part quidam de vita belle accipit manu acriter se super re aliqua fundatur obsessional sentire indeterminatum magicam things.To nexum positum vitae discrete patet quod determinatio quod prodest et obstruction.Just Mutter ut humilitas non sit ars, sed modum vitae.parts of each other automatically.It doesn't sound romantic but it causes a romantic heart to enliven life.I believe the process of union is a metaphor for union with the divine.For certain it could never be wrong.There would be no doubt about the other and I take back what I wrote a while back.You can be sure if you have authentic feelings for someone that turn you on it is a guarantee that your kisses will create a galactic firework's show.Now.....as near as I could tell ....someone wants to tell me how someone doesn't like me or something............Somethings are determinate and some not.Part of feeling well in life is taking a stern hand with oneself about anything obsessional based on indeterminate things.To feel a magical connection with life depends on discretion and clear determination of what is beneficial and what is causing confusion and obstruction.Just as humility is not a tactic but a way of life. THIS IS A BIT BEFORE THE SOFTWARE BLOWS SO i put the last bit in the original plus the next bit.Its funny to me anyway.I have relative freedom for five days and i feel like i'm getting furlough in all sorts of ways. Cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger occupies my mind.

It insists

2011-03-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

It insists I want to rent someone and while that's funny it misses the point.I like it though because it could obscure the words in a cool way.

Mostly this............

2011-03-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

I saw a human moment that matched something going on inside me in a beautiful way.That's a reasonable thing to write.What I want to write are things that transcend intelligence......and.......not in the usual inclination.Non tam facile putavi tamen suus etiam locus.Evidently.But it kicks back very funny things.

The corresponding Responsive Universe

2011-03-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

My Universe is teaching me Humility.I am sure of it because it supersedes consideration of thoughts.I've decided Humility is the close cousin of Patience.I saw something which so much met my criteria for the ecstatic and the Divine(by my definition or lack thereof) that I am speechless.I am struck in the best of ways which is to be struck by the presence of someones soul in such a way that any mentality dissolves.Humility resides in my heart evidently and I can feel it.Thoughts are irrelevant in this.The liberation from after thoughts.This Humility is something that informs concepts of obedience in me.A different kind of obedience which is most like the Obedience of the father to the son or the husband to the wife.I realized all these things about Humility at any rate, to whatever extent it lends itself to do so.Its meditative and it shuts down the mind in favor of the heart in the absolutely most perfectly undeniable way.Learning by an example in this manner for me becomes extremely moving.I mark stuff " Divine" or by nature etc and a bunch of other ways when the evidence does not depend much on the preference or prejudice of the mind.I know its true humility because I don't want to write about it for one but mostly the experience of feeling very happy free from anything I would call doubtful.Freedom from expectation is freedom of doubt though expectation is a good thing.Si I have to stay with faith and not go looking which allows for events to unfold in the natural way.I really feel like I can not express this in words.I also feel like I've seen Divine perfection in an act because of how it relates to a lot of things in my life.It might not go over big saying God here but I believe efficiency in a positive way, can be called a sign of the Divine.I don't think I can be induced to write the wrong thing at this point but I feel more than un-usually protective of a clear heart.A very odd feeling ...............to feel so close to someone that you feel like you can smell them when you look at them....kind of like you are them for a minute or something.

Its Endemic

2011-03-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

The endless ways to say something or not by the accident of an ill conceived plan or lack of one.I wrote several things about joy just previously and it stuck to me that whatever joy is it has nothing to do with some off-putting idea that you " get " (laughable already) something when someone takes something.As for the other context in which I spoke of joy I know that as a truth beyond people.Its coincidental that I used those words because I know that's a conclusion one will reach about those words.But I say those words do not come out of a hat.I sort of understand what John Lennon meant when he said that he based most of his songs on imagined scenario's.He said "I'm a loser" and " You've got to hide your love away" were his first songs about himself.I think I speak for others if I should say that many are impressed by the songs of the east that sing of romantic love and love of the divine simultaneously.The poems of Rumi and Kabir as well as Quali music are that way and if you like it its possible to experience something I can only describe as divine.Following the progression of thoughts and possibilities that stem from this as an idea sounds like a headache for a good reason. I started hearing very strange things in popular music,the experience having been one fit to be written as fiction.I think and feel that a well crafted song written along these lines proposed is often the winner.I will leave it to the reader to consider the songs they like as to whether its so.Nusrat ali kahn was all that all the time but I could recite many familiar names.For bizarre reasons I went cookoo seeing the Divine in everything which can become a pernicious psychosis with a small grain of truth in it, which causes a lot of suffering.At least that's how I felt and I was sure I didn't want to live that way.I had examples of people who did not choose to accept it or at least that's what I thought.It takes a longtime to reform oneself properly.First off is doing it or having it occur as authentically and naturally as possible.I like to think of pitfalls as friends because as long as I fall in to them this makes it less sinister.Also " Tests". " Your being tested........" ; Nonsense, because that makes no sense to me.That's all I can say.If I'm alone then so be it but I can't believe in some hocus pocus being running around consciously testing me. If one goes to a psychiatrist and says " I'm God and so are we all" they get tagged with " Magical thinking", but if you say " I'm Jesus and only I'm Jesus" eyebrows will certainly be raised.My dad made a brilliant comment on modern psychiatry which was that you will be called crazy if you tell them what your thinking or you will be paranoid if you don't.A smart man.http://www.indranet.com/spirit/claudio.html I havn't watched things with him on you tube but this dude has some incredible things to say in a thoughtful kind way.He has some sensible and original ideas about the workings of the mind-soul-body that are very plausible.Without getting in to it mostly because I haven't looked at it 4 so long,I will always recall what he had to say about the necessity of allowing parts of oneself to express themselves.He went so far as to say certain actions are necessary in getting these things expressed because the prognosis of those who don't in his experience was bad.That's a vague memory of mine and not the words of Naranjo but what he wrote was something to that effect.As I recall he seamed to indicate that some have to use extraordinary means to tap in to it and be uninhibited enough to express that side.The words I wrote in latin were not superficial to me and I have felt that way for many years.I write them almost as if they were to myself because they are coded to be personal and to the unknown principle.It doesn't come out of a hat and I have been writing it for many years in my solitude.Its simply a soul call.I furnish myself with the consideration of making love to a soul entirely.The less physical I can consider this the more EXCITED I become(quite literally) which I find conclusive.The love poems and songs I refer to previously suppose that god is wanted close but is, or was far away while the love generated by feelings for a woman can also be generated this way from a man or woman inclined towards loving along this romantic view which is a little wanton and I think a feminine point of view I have.I am transported by it and those words consoled my heart to write.I know they will never mean anything to anyone but me and one other person sometime someplace but that is potentially everybody;And, if it were now it wouldn't be here and it wouldn't be now.I hate to say I'm slow but it looks that way to me.Still I can say now that someone gave me a perfect idea to express something of myself through an unusual lens.The idea of them being spoken to no one does not exist for me and only heightens my sense of an ecstatic love with no barriers based on matching souls that escape human concerns in the act of making love through it all.Something that can only obtain itself through the auspices of the unseen person behind the curtain whom I endeavor to pay no attention to.Somehow I doubt this is not familiar to anyone reading this.

A little slice of me

2011-03-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have inadvertently had to through the baby out with the bathwater but as is usually the case, not without mitigating circumstances.Its best for me not to become befuddled by input that is beyond my ability to understand or contextualize.I wonder if I am not alone in feeling this way about communicating on line.Any slice of someone can be taken out of context by another's immediate prejudices and circumstances and I mean all kinds of slices.Since its a slice, pizza comes to mind, followed by ' Strangers in a Strange Land ' and other ideas about "soul eating". I know it sounds very sinister along with " human Commerce" and being " Bio-Sexual".That's a notion I realized other people must already realize when I realized it.Biological sexuality based on feeling sexual for any reason except some obvious ones like necrophilia etc etc.Sexual proclivity is highly over rated as a point of reference in understanding the " Bio-Sexual".The "bio-Sexual" will sometimes confess they are just "slutty",and equal- oportunavorish in what they do but as life goes on it becomes obvious that this is not exactly true.Sort of a nice way of saying that sexually compulsive behavior becomes understood within ones self(whatever is truly being expressed) as a matter of course.The thought that one would be with their partner no matter what their gender is, is not immediately appreciated easily by all but its a nice one.The Idea is that you love the soul of the person so much that you feel honestly you would want to share significant parts of your life with them.People feel this way at all kinds of ages and as the result of all kinds of reasons that tore down perceived differences we believed in.I am very happy when I see someone living beyond these stultifying notions.Part of contentment is the ability to find the admiration and inspiration within conflicting emotions.The admiration and inspiration is an elemental part of contentment. It sometimes comes through a faulty belief from highlighting everything negative in conflicting feelings.They seem more real than the temporarily obscured valuable feelings mixed up in the circumstance." Human Commerce" is right out.The question I wonder about is how do people manage to strike a balance with one another without feeling vaporized by feeling vampired.Feeling drained by people and situations is part of life but strictly only to a point.Without clear boundaries this can be a serious cause for psychotherapy and I have availed myself of this privilege for this reason.Often one thing has nothing to do with another and its hard for me to see that.I think it must be hard for everyone sometimes.It seems like a little thing to one person to do or say something but INADVERTENTLY it is taken vastly changed by another in a twisted way which has nothing to do with person A but now it gets worse because person A responds to person B based on the "strange" reaction of person B,assumes its so, and so on and so forth.Some have a natural knack for completely fucking up what their trying to say.I do it lots.for example this is a light one......I was waiting for my friends to wake up and get out of bed and we were sharing the room. So she was getting up and he started getting out of bed and I said " oh , uh, dude....do you have anything I can put in My mouth?" I thought he had some grapes or an orange or a cough drop.His response was " You know Ralph, I thought you were smarter and more worldly than saying something like that".If he had handed me a stick of gum and said nothing it wouldn't have occurred to me.Well anyway this has been a slice of me but I doubt words compare to actually tasting me or anyone else to the degree is necessary to know their flavor.

sa mo

2011-03-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

I have a book to suggest .Its a two volume set called " MYTH, LEGEND,AND CUSTOM IN THE OLD TESTAMENT".Its by Theodor H Gaster with sections of James Frazer's book on the subject included.It speaks to the elemental nature of myth's and legends that surprisingly can be found in cultures far from each other in time and place.The publisher of this one is Peter Smith.Anyway all this is a little lead in because in my efforts to be glib which have been horrifyingly unsuccessful,I sometimes think about what I was writing after word's and I have a more serious idea.The importance of the elemental in living a contented life.What I wrote recently speaks of my imagination and some other things but I can't leave it because it was a shitty glib comment on a subjevt that is usually treated with a pithy response for a reason.Or whatever.Effervescence? Joy is that, true......;But, something enduring in our lives that one can feel confident in is what so many people express a desire to " have" and " be ".So I want to just remove me from the writing here and make a clear distinction between the superficial ideas I expressed previously and something reasonable.Let's just pretend its not me writing this.Does this question resonate with someone on that basis?I have faith in people already having all the answer's they need.I assume that it is every person's birth right to have and be, so the idea of authority in one's personal life resides in ones self.I also think people are sort of easily pushed by the various complex ways human beings interact and get along with each other.It seems obvious that we coerce each other in all sorts of ways but not always obvious as to when and how or for what reason.So I think its a reasonable thing to say that some people are inadvertently coerced in to thinking they don't have an answer.Some people consider the effervescent nature of something to be a liability and I am no exception at times.I want to be clear that I'm addressing whomever is reading this based on my experience and my own observations of life.That's how it's helpful to have to consider that someone is reading this.I am one and another's experience is their's and it forces one to be considerate of another regardless.The reality of different points of view for me is that they promote equality and validation in and of themselves,but not for the sake of feeling them.That's for the couch.When I recall running at the beach when I was 6 years old ,watching my shadow in the rushing ocean water and icy clear sparkle of the sun through a watery see through sheet......Those moments of happiness are the same today as they were then.What's obvious to me is what I wasn't thinking then or considering.I really feel certain that these moments happen to us all the time but its easy to miss during troubled times when its needed most.The elemental way one became good at what one does generally in life,seems like a good example.How did it happen? By the employment of elemental growth which takes a little time and clear effort.If you choose to learn a musical instrument and you practice modestly every day after six weeks you feel this confidence.Meditation for 20 minutes a day everyday for thirty days does it to along with surfing,cooking,hiking,making a fire,making love,roller blading ,reading music learning a language, making love,watching movies,waiting for your food,making love as well as reading to people in a hospital.In fact the time I spent doing so called " social work" mostly included helping people fill out their housing applications which I hated but found fulfilling because I have some practice at it and it was helpful to someone else.I would have been living in westbeth on bethune street many times over if I didn't mind filling out applications.Some people have a type of presence that is very healing to other people on a one on one.So A person with their own particular flavor of self will be appreciated helping just because they are practiced in being and knowing themselves.Yes, the world has use for people who have an open heart and an open mind with a smile on their face.All of these require sincerity only.Playing a tambourine should not be left out.People can become elemental for whatever you do.People require great patience because clear observation,self honesty and trust are what gives me confidence in someone.All this just to write that I believe in living a contented life through the one step at a time approach of building ones life through the application of elemental blocks.Elemental building blocks for living a contented and relatively free life are individual and similar.Energy,honesty and things to do with reasonable commitments seem to make up the similarities.

ALL TRUE

2011-03-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

vehementer mei sum tibi tua opinio captum hominis occidendi nectar.to dubitantes hoc volui. nisi caritas ex Deo nobis est duobus vestrum qui malum bonum est sacrificio. Somnium rapi, vestris occidere manibus expectans amorem.

nigrum optimum semper omnes arcus ex ventre tuo claret saecula ueritatis cupido

2011-03-04T08:18:00.000-08:00

That's kinds fun to do if you play with the formality of the language.It comes out mad different depending on the words you choose and where you put them.Its an easy stretch to reverse order of words if one understands a teeny bit of romance languages.Lot of poetic possibilities in that kind of formality.I actually have something legitimate to write for a minute.Namely the recent supreme court case involving these offensive assholes who go to the funerals of the fallen veterans shouting their homophobic hate and spew.It seems to me there is an appropriate response to this mockery of the first amendment and I have one.Its not a response that is very defensible as far as protecting the families of the veterans but if they don't mind then on paper there are thousands of hard core freaks,and freaks of smaller stature like myself,who will match these assholes person for person.How long would they keep going if they had to deal with hordes of freaks shouting back at them.I volunteer to dress up like the devil in drag and dance all around them pretending its all real.Fact o the matter I would probably need a bullet proof vest but you get the point.One would have to extrapolate all the possible events that would occur and the appropriate action to take in response before proceeding in my view.Thats what political science doctorates do well and plenty of them are freaks anyway so you could get that pro bono if you already had the organizational contacts to make sure that such and such will happen at such and such a time and at such and such a place.Whats right is right.Which brings me to the next subject which has been an interminable "problem" all of my life.The solution to the west bank issues could be settled with money.The complexities of doing this is not something easily done but assuming there will ever be a compromise, and its a question whether the forces that feed off the strife will ever allow their riches to disappear in peace , then at least here is a scenario.The united nations granted land.Then people go to war against this land.Then these attacking forces lose a bunch of their land.We have the U.N ostensibly to enforce rule of law and if that will ever work all nations will have to bow down to it.In the world to come nations won't take parts of other nations without paying for it regardless of the perception of the populace.In the past nations did that as well,albeit in a strictly euro centric way.Israel spends lots of money on security that would ultimately be saved.At first security concerns would be paramount and probably for a while thereafter.Eventually new generations will grow free of having the conflict ingrained on them.They have star bucks coffee in the west bank which tells me they would be amicable to the idea of being paid off for there trouble and assuming the money is used for living conditions economically and socially.A lot of private money goes towards bringing these groups together .The world will increasingly depend on middle east peace.Its now in the Chinese interest to secure peace there and what better way for the Chinese to spend some of their largess on then to fork over 100 or 200 billion dollars to the the emerging responsible parties amongst the Palestinians.Between all the nations of the world who depend on oil it would seem a small price to all chip in to cover the cost to Israel.Well folks .....if anyone has a better idea I strongly urge them to act on it and fairly soon by the looks of things(especially if they are in a position to).Frankly it looks like a done deal to me .The problem with solutions is they give one a false sense of security as if to say " Oh well, I don't need to ace because I know I always can".That's fine for a knave but no other.There are a slew of them which I think you can take as veritable.

OUCH

2011-03-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

And as if to prove a point up pops charlie sheen with a perfect example of someone using their mania to get by.That is very similar to getting lost in your head over fantasy rather than reality.Cocain is psychologically addictive but not physically.I can't imagine not feeling nauseated hearing him describe partying but I kinda understand how he got lost in the illusion of things.Having lots of fun comes to an end as a natural matter of course.If you want to maximize it you look forward to quite sobering times in my book.Meaning gets lost if you fix it so you don't feel emptyness ever or think your not.It goes to show what happens when the wrong person has too much money because that's a ridiculously expensive party.I am eternally thankfull I never fell in with that type of situation although Its been in front of me enough for me to realize the waste of it mostly because its very selfish.I knew countless people that accidentally fell in to situations where their pay was an ounce once per weak and thats what they did for a long time untill they forced themselves to stop.If you watch a film on how they make it vrs the traditional use of the leaf its plain to see how wrong it is to make.That's a feeling I guess but If I could I would make the refined form of it go away forever because I don't think the human race needs that.Perhaps the leaf itself has medicinal value.A lot of people hold that anything in moderation is ok but the proof is in managing difficult situations in life and going through them without making yourself blotto.If that were so then people would take thorazine.A good patient who is prescribed benzo'z won't reach for them all the time and a good patient takes all the treatment not just medication.That means taking what is prescribed in conjunction with serious therapy with someone.Lots of people are prescribed saboxone for ocd in very small amounts and are free of addictive behavior but not by the medication alone.There are plenty of innocuous substances including food that are great head changers and as long as one doesn't confuse boredom with an undue amount of pain what is wrong? Because at least at that point we all share lots of feelings as human beings which means not being alone.In fact feeling troubled can open doors of union with other people that are invaluable.I'm sure charlie sheen will be a poster boy for sobriety in six years.He certainly has provided a model example of a manic person and in the future I won't be suprised to hear people refer to others as being "all charlie sheened out".

Lets hear it for YOU

2011-03-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

I like to entertain myself with fashion sometimes.In fact it has entertained me often, coming up with something I hadn't done or hadn't seen through from before.This winter I got two articles of clothing that make me happy.One is this ugg sample that seems to be one of a kind.Its a scarf thats sheerling wool on one side and skin on the other and it has pockets that work as gloves.It rises up behind the neck sort of like a coat wood.Its almost disarming its so unuesual and the russians go wild with approval.The other is I bought a scuba vest at the scuba store for 49,99 and it zipps tight in a nedium.The kicker is it holds your body temp close to 98 degreez while its tight and un-abtrusive.Ot certainly would make good summer wear too because it breathes both ways somehow.You can't have any excess flab at all to wear it though.Do you not also enjoy fashion a lot in your life? Individual fashion statements make the world a better place.I bend my mind towards my desire to c a world where people feel far more free in how they present themselves fashion wise.It just takes one generation.I know this because I used to dedicate all my being to seeing the racial problem in this country change and I did all I could which didn't work as well as realizing that just one generation that can't see rasial difference would change it all.I figures if wrong doing eventually reaches to heaven with its stench,thus causing heaven to respond then that would probably be how.And the day came in 2003 when 15 year olds questioned me as to why these things were so and to my delight they couldn't understand how these physical differences meant that people would respond that way.Completely unable to process racial difference.I realized racism still existed but Its obvious to me that one day Americans will look at old pictures and say "wow....look at all the white people ". The point of studying race and sex in the united states is to c through it.For many I had to verbally assault anyone being verbally racist in front of me but I eventually just hardly ever saw caucasions.I was being verbally assaulted for looking caucasion regularly and that was a real eye opener and a great experience.I loved listening to wwrl spirit 1600 esspecially on sundays when I would cassette record Louis farakahn in the hopes of converting white people.It was so silly I was off the hook.I found ou all kinds of things in my zeal and I would bother the rabbi with..." Why does the queen of sheeba say ... 'I am balck but comely " when she was an empress talking to the king of a little city.It says she said that in the bible and I can't Imagine why she would say " I am balck but beautiful ".I was dumb dumb dumb about all of this.And its all looney tunes because at that time if a television was on I couldn't turn it off unless the chanel showed an african face.How could I not respect anyones youth having been through a bad one.I still hate my twenties but that's just me.It was so bad that I'm very happy now because at least its not then.I prau other people do not feel this way about their lives but it forces me to be sympatico a lot.

worlds in collision means mind over matter

2011-02-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm getting lot's of cream out of life.The first time someone said to me " don't look a gift horse in the mouth" I said " why not?".I didn't know what a gift horse was and its my habit to question and try to understand.The idea of zero convinced me that math was just wrong .I remember thinking that when I was 5 and math never existed again until my paycheck depended on it.It was a little funny because the math was so critical and one would have to use a calculator to figure these various weights per unit,machine time costs etc and it was an OCD heaven.Needless to say I did nothing once.Lots of people who are successful in all kinds of jobs are good because of so called disabilities.There are several extreme conditions one can be subject to given a fairly recognizable So called learning disability or mental diagnosis.Last week my shrink was telling me and showing me how they are throwing a lot of the old diagnosis and she had this grey covered book with the new ones.That always makes me sick but at least they hit my nail right because its exactly correct and has never changed and I was told as a teenager by my psychiatrist at that time that I am incurable.I had the pleasure of getting this in one way or another from all of them so I can't relate it to nice or not nice true or false.Its always been hair raising and I am so fucking glad not to mind it as much even though its exactly as horrible or more than it ever was.All things can be said to be easy for me because of how I have managed living in my way.One gets constantly paid back with very gentle ,kind feelings about oneself and the world.All of which depends on letting it rip and being brutally honest with oneself.After many years of lying to myself about being looney toons me ,myself and I went through the uglyness of accepting the facts.Thats where someone else enters the story more or less.I can't say someone is wrong when they don't know better or are perhaps not capable at the moment.I do know what happens when someone does an egregious wrong to you and they assume that nothing will happen.What happens is that all by itself you get duked big time.If you allow yourself to get all pissed off you can miss it.But if u don't mind it doesn't matter and thats an easy "yoke" as jesus liked to say instead of "yoga"."My yolk is easy" seems like a very clear thing to say about ones teaching and I can never understand which part of that people don't understand.Being looney toons comes out in people when they go BERSERK.I go berserk and I'm just nuts.Completely gone.When I recognize it in others I c god.I can't help it.I like most of being looney toons and I believe I have it all licked now because I'm still surviving the worst of it and I am still on track to do so many things I've dreamed of.I'll have to report back here to let the world know but I c no reason why not.This is a gift I got in exchange for something I gave away or rather I allowed and allow to be taken from me.Its all because I learned to paradigm shift like a true time traveler.Due to odd boundary troubles I had to cycle through some really shitty paradigms.Like ......I would think things were real in my head that weren't real but acted as a safety mechanism from extreme trauma.Someone has inadvertently done for me what no psychiatrist ever could and also taught me what know teacher ever could.That was the trade off.... thats life....thats art.One has to be the real deal in ones heart meaning not altering ones thoughts as a way to avoid whats going on.I mean altering ones thoughts in ways no drug can or that you would want to take.If you spend a lot of time doing something you get good at it which is something hard core homeless people say among others.In this example , I got good at brainwashing myself. and that wasn't a good thing.I decided 17 years ago that no one existed but me and that I was dead and everything around me was being played out as a sort of after life for my benefit.Luckily after several months of this bliss I realized it wasn't bliss at all but some new kind of mental masturbation I discovered.I learned to use this in a very positive way which allowed me to do things I could never do but I could never enjoy playing music or dancing as a contest and I could never stop the horrors coming on which was made much worse by being in the habit of thinking I could make it go away or denying it.You only win when you embrace it and realize that part of life is continually letting go and continually healing.I go to no psychiatrist or therapist without first asking them if they are healing.All good healers are healing no?.If music and dancing were a contest in any way people would do it to get to the end of the song and that makes no sense.Everyone would play faster and faster.That would be weired to dance(assuming you can find an actual dance floor with actual house music) to get to the end.Kim light foot is gods dj to me and if its not that I can't use it. Every time I attended it was like church to me .Do I seem like I'm currying favor with someone? I don't require that you like me or love me for you to give me pleasure and generally be a joyful person I know of in the world.I do require that you be happy and joyful to the extent that I can reasonably.The best arrangement is always the one with the least trouble and a woman I know hipped me to the idea of using what you need and leaving the rest.In fact I'm better at it than her and she was doing it when I was in high school.This isn't that she isn't all the way there but she acts on the orders of fight or flight thinking too much and she throws the baby out with the bath water needlessly I think but its non of my business.She is very astute and I think she would agree with me that one ought to have the best possible feelings in the best possible way.I believe everything happens for a reason but not reasons to be known.I have to go through all that to get free.I have to make believe I believe if necessary to make sure I know the territory enough to feel confident I have arrived at the best response and attitude.That way I am satisfied because I know what I do not want.Certainly if I do not feel peaceful generally something is wrong and I do not consider money trouble to be real trouble because its not a problem if you can solve it with money and a terrible one if you can't with the exception of circumstances that are life threatening.The more preferences one has the weaker you will be and become.Since I am who I am and was raised by who and how I was I have an unusual sympathy in regards someone in that situation and I will not stop.I have to be unencumbered by any reason to live out this sympathy.If someone does something extraordinary in ANY way expect extraordinary things to happen around you and to those involved.I want to know why someone wouldn't be pleased with knowing how much they are appreciated for their destiny.Once one involves oneself or invests an amount of energy towards something it becomes part of their destiny by my reckoning.I had this notion once that someone was tweeting a message to me that said ........"I've had perfection and I have hated you for a year and I still can't stop...............". I recognized that someone was in deep trouble when they started referring to perfection that way because its very painful to be that judgmental and that offensive towards another even if as is the case here, I wasn't offended as much as informed that I wouldn't be understood.That was a good thing to accept don't you think?I realized whatever that person said to me would have little to do with me and a lot to do with them.One thing no man hears another man say is " oh , did she break your heart? I'll join you in getting her back".When I told Castrina this she said " really? they don't?" . She thought that was normal for men and woman both.No... men are cold that way and all we would do is go after her for ourselves generally.Besides who would do that to a woman they felt kind towards? What I know is that some issues people go through are sure to find resolution by the person themselves and that no one needs to be an idol of any kind for anyone in a relationship.One can share certainly and we all have our areas where we know more and where we know less.No authority whatsoever.No anger at all.Whats wrong with that? Graciousness is always best along with finding and living the good out of the bad? How about no anticipation? How about just plain natural and easy ......if it ain't, so what? and if it is then hopefully you take what you need and plant good seeds with those you come in contact with and through your actions because those seeds , although planted here and now will sprout in another place entirely and at another time .You can still be contrary without going berserk no?

Blockhead - The Music Scene

2011-02-26T15:23:00.000-08:00

floating right along..I'm having fun.

2011-02-23T15:34:00.001-08:00

Its pure fun to keep up with the new music coming out.Mostly I'm getting a positive feeling about it and the personalities are precious.For a long time i tried to vlog but as uesual i couldn't get all the equipment to act right.I worked hard this week with some psycho things with my doctor and it wasn't that I forgot who I was but that I didn't want to give up escaping in to my head.(a traditional way i used all my life to avoid important matters in a practical daily life and to avoid dealing with certain social anxiety.I hate writing about this.Its much harder and longer to qualify oneself when writing.I have to accept people for how they are so I can go on to do some valuable work externally.Not much point in explaining this cuz it sounds lazy and lame but I can't overstate how happy I am .There is a strong sense of loss though and a trepidation of what will fill the empty space.I remain as I have always been on this blog prior to an exact moment that I wonetonly gave myself up to trauma.that was real dumb because from then on I wasn't myself.But now I'm very glad to have some control over how I communicate in writing and I erase my assnine posts before I post um.I wanted to do something with this blog and I still will but I can't quite escape the expressions that wre never going to make sense or help matters or be valuable.On the other hand one would not want to know about this if one truely does not seek so called validation.I spent some time with my heart and couldn't deny what is true for me.I'm very fearful at times for no reason which stymies things.thats so very done now i can be stymied or not at this point.If I were angry I would rail. I would cut and paste everything all along that was causing anguish including what I did.Sadly i am unable to do that.I am notably unable to do that out of malice.I can't even old on to malice except it seems that way when I write.I have always held a different idea about blogging.it was not all about one person but somehow i allowed one person to be a catalyst that set a defensive sort of aggressive tone.No one is blamed but me here.I live that way in most things because its solvable.I must have blamed this person a lot somehow and it looks like i must have been endlessly insulting.It seems stupid and pointless to explain what I thought I was doing on my blog about 5 years ago.Its funny to think it morphed like that.Its stokholm syndrom .sometimes in an effort to please I do the thing they want me to do to prove them right and offer an excuse(subconciously).So many valid statements could be made that would explain all this but not 4 me to say.I will learn joy in what for me is a tragic misunderstanding that I brought on myself and has caused a very bad medical relapse.Oddly I needed that though.I feel much better now and I will stay exactly as I was with the same sentiments but now I can be honest and therefore more considerate.I don't do well bargaining with myself over what I think I'm supposed to say.All this personal shit and now we know i'm a bore.Life has ups and downs and I know this.What a wrong time in my life to present myself in any way but I learned that patience is its own reward and that its so wrong to want someone to like you and wrong to be mad at people who don't like me.I feel liberated by my inability to put anyone down in this situation.I found the golden mean.....I neither push for or close down against.It husts to feel two strong feelings in opposition but wanting harmony at any cost is obviously important to me.i had always known the types of behavior some people act out.i felt i understood it and still do and was gald to be mostly open to calm down and wlkin there shous.i had vever intimated these tings because true love would never seek to hurt you.I do not think you would want me morethan thehuncheback of notre dame but ifeel something deeply sacred that won't all oe me to plat double standard any moe with being easily and effortlessly droundes without thinking i'm better then them.i am learry of myself like that.i hope someday you wll beleive that ididnb't seek what you think i did.U know with the best that we all can let it out vile whenpushed to a pint.I carve these words in my hrat.Leaving yourlife to your osmologiacak workings......I feel the devine in you friend.I will one day be the way when I was making it with the better half of s.f.one of the intrnse areas i had to seiously change uo somethings to get others I wanted to stay the same.That made me a milk toast.Lots of stranfeextraneous things appe to couples etc.my plan was to leave for a 6 month break inaugust.Agoo healthy notion of hiding fom pressurixed ways of thinking.I love.my brain is brooken today obvious right!!!

Neil Young - Dance Dance Dance

2011-02-21T15:48:00.000-08:00

S I freak out a lil but that should now decrease. I can't keep writing wontonely mean and arrogant though because it makes sense for at least one reader its worth it.I could write so much I have thought and observed but my good heartedness in repaid with something unworthy of my feelings. I have planned to keep on writing minding my bussiness and if its good for someone to read great.thats fine.are you sure I desrve to be shut off like that.Did I ever indicate avaritiosness????????you don't accuse them of gold digging.Someday I will understand but I havn'ta clue about you.I think few men could have less to offer you.I also feel that that is the case in this situation and i would have preffered a human connection due to highly personal mental issue but I know how many great people are in the world.I will always count you as one.You have original brilliance ......take care of it.

nature won't let me hate.just a feww minutes every now and again.So... I decided to never say anything unecessary or cruel to you ever for your best well being.You are so very free.I cqan't be cold enough so I leave you a luxurious place in my heart....like a rare garden ... if ever you wish or feel you easily can claim it.

2011-02-21T12:55:00.000-08:00

I don't imagine you will but while I will be happy and free I will not close a door to myself for anyone because I would like others to treat me that way.So.......make fun of me when I am being comfortable and kind......I feel solid within.I beg of you as you go far from me that you recall that I have nothing negative to say to you and certainly no violant thoughts.Some people must kick those who are down as they require evtraordinart help in feeling deserving in a balanced way.I don't ever have to say I love anyone for I thimk I will devise a free flowing way to choose it!! you make me happy............I leave my door or phone open to you if over the long years of life you require extra insight to carry on.Karms Yeshe Dorje

The Snow Man

2011-02-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

The Snow Man a wallace stevens poem http://books.google.com/books?id=X_dj_dvqxXsC&lpg=PP1&dq=wallace%20stevens%20the%20snowman&pg=PA132#v=onepage&q&f=false

It would explode

2011-02-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

I was delighted when the sign up page completed and I saw what I saw.I gigled a lot because it was just individuality coming through in a suprising way.A very good idea.My computor would explode before it would let me do that but these ones can.Last night I passed beyond the event horizon.I don't really like camille but my compagnon asked me which one I would pick out of that bunch.This was followed by me being harangued for liking the "#@#$$#$#@%" one.I need to get better head phones.Very soon the computor and television will be one thing combined.We've been waiting ten years and its getting late.I keep finding telivision adds on stuff I visit and thats an obvious start.I can see why the legal problems slow this process down................................................................................

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE--------------------------=========-----====-=-=-=-----==---=---=-=-=--==-=----=-=-------------============

2011-02-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

http://www.skepdic.com/velikov.html A good example of bamboozlement in the guise of truth but " Worlds in Collision" is an interesting read anyway.

GIT R DUNN

2011-02-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to do WHATEVER it takes personally,to do something excepting harming other people.No matter what, a new day comes and things that made you mad or crazy the day before are still there and ought to become unbiased sources of information to consider.To learn from the ground up means looking at all one can in the world around and finding something fundamental in something you can work with.One example 4 me was currency trading.I looked at the best currency trader and in studying the little I could it was obvious that he was not afraid to radically change his position overnight with an equally thought out rational 4 why his new position was correct.There is a time to do things 4 a reason.......................BECAUSE IT JUST IS.It may be unpopular to say this but when it comes to your BOTTOM line you have to do what it takes to make sure its safe.'Bottom line' could mean anything.People are short changed because they don't consider or trust their own reason,caution and responsibility.The only good thing about studying history is that if done correctly you realize whats bullshit and what isn't.Anyone can do so automatically.Don't bother though because any tandem brain you can find and learn to trust will supply the salient points.Brains are meant to work in tandem it seems to me.Your better off getting part of someone's brain then part of their soul.Unless it tastes like lobster.This blog is primarily for people who's souls taste like lobster..........................................................

I'm paper trained and bad habbits leave by themselves 4 those inclined towards well being

2011-02-14T15:19:00.000-08:00

wow..........what a difference! It deefinetly improves ones mental outlook to remove fowl teeth.It wasn't as bad as we thought as only six teeth teeth had to go but I underestimated what a fucking drag they were and how much better I would feel removing them.I'm too happy today.I can't imagine that someone would feel other than very flattered at such a perfect homage.Anything less than " I'm flattered " seems less than gracious.I can only surmise and consider how I would feel and its very obvious to me that this is the case.On a deeper level I find it gratifying to hear different peoples musicality or the process of musical thinking myself and others go through in composing melodies.I think that is very well available re: what it is i'm talking about and is an original that is clear about its inspiration.This makes it real as compared with anything else that gets singaled out in that way.One has to consider the genre and some given's about what works and doesn't.Just a beautiful homage it seems to me because it is also a singular and personal expression which makes it original.I would go so far to say that a homage like that is very correct.Most people in that position do not get something like that that clearly was made with care,attention, creativity and love not to mention time and money.I'm in the midst of doing huh!!!!!what....groove shark turns itself on????? I can't find out much about computor things lately because this one's almost defunct which is how it will stay as long as people think its funny to send worms and trojans in to it.I like to write but even that is a stretch with this computor let alone much else.I don't think about it much because it has saved my ass not being free to write more arrogant and condescending thoughtless nonesense for no reason and only I think is funny.The homor is more than lost in writing um.I'm training myself to endure things that horra-fy me....namely,reality telivision.I've written before how enthusiastic I was to have my compagnon torture me with fox news and television in general.I used to be very militant against the t.v almost as much as I was against the use of the n word or people being abusive.Thankfully one has to work hard to maintain one's outlook and hold to ideas and thoughts as a be all and end all carved in stone.Its all because of biggy because I like to play one of his songs on the accoustic guitar which alwayse seems to go over big.I alwayse ask ahead if they want me to leave the n word in or out and I have found that people under a certain age want it in while many over a certain age want me to drop it.Things start to change when you live on a block where you are constanly being called or yelled at ...." hey you....that white (blank)over there).Or......"hey! how are you (blank) boy".I never saw that coming.After a lifetime of campaigning against that kind of communication I get blasted with "that's cause you're a (blank),(blank) boy."Or "Hey (blank.)...your a (blank)you (blank),why, your the last angry (blank) left in new york city you (blank). I sense that this seems exagerated.Unbelievably it is not.Since I didn't use the word it is very rare that I would no matter what people accepted or did not.Reffereing to anyone by using slang that reffers to ones physical character or whatever sucks.If I was a female pop singer I ( ME) would make a cd that was an ode to sex and call t something that was deadpan obvious.In ways its been done,but not called " Hot XXX hard core porn".It could be a visual cd kinda like "ready to Die" with vignettes in btween songs with each song being about various types of hot sex from leather,group,bondage,women,men bla bla bla(anyway no one owns the idea) or rather Blue ,blue, blue, which is how garmento's say it.They don't speak french but they alwayse say "blue" three times in a row with the pitch going up on the third.... Blue blue, blue ....B-L-U-E.

Whats this.....Iranians getting Fiesty now? algeria? yemen? Semms like this happens whenever the dollar is drained such as its been.I often want to prognosticate on line but I'm affraid of accidentally being right too much which turns out sucking much more than guessing wrong.Political upheaval makes Great Tee vee though! Meanwhile I'm so beaten down from being tortured by Housewives shows that my compagnon watches all of......ALL ALL do you understand what that does? I even like two particular housewives more than the others which is just plain browbeaten.I enjoy watching people I care about enjoying themselves as much as possible.It is typical that these shows would be on when we're more than apt to stay home and I plan to find a local bar to hang out in when things blow over.I don't know if someone can guess which two I like best or why anyone would care or want to so I have sweetend the idea by offering one million dollars to the person who even bothers to guess( my God will pay your God who will hold it for you).Its a good idea when one has enough in a similar style as myself, to let God worry about your finances as far as being busy with getting more. I'm legally unmarried and have no children with just myself to take care of bassically but things are different for people in other circumstances.I once had a baby until she had a miscarriage.Prior to that,I told my old dad just in case something happened to me.He was born in 1922 or three and is emblematic of a conservative style person of that era so you can imagine how well he took it when I said " I have a baby on the way with my Haitian Creole girlfriend so in case I die I want you to know that if a creole person comes up to you and says they are your grand child its true".That was a long time ago.I like Nee Nee and Camille far and away.I make quick friends with the Nee'z Nee'z of this world but they are a tough bunch and easy to fall out with eventually.No matter how bad though they alwayse come back around and I wish I had stayed in touch with a bunch of um cuz I miss um.

After the Lard and pigs knuckles comes...........IPSUM LOREM

2011-02-12T20:09:00.000-08:00

I appreciate that sentiment which has been highlighted to me via some very creative means.I agree that in many cases that is what comes across...something like filler.I don't know who sent that to me, neither a link to a site called, your not as smart as you think you are, and a link to a movie (re:validation).I thought about these things as they came to me anonymously it was interesting to consider the validation of someone reading what I was writing.This is good criticism in my book.Its clean and without emotional sentiment while visceral, profound and honest.I know its good criticism because of my personal response to it on the inside and the outside.Defensiveness usually indicates there is truth in the cause, to a large degree .I wish I could do better and I'm still trying, but formerly I kind of made a choice to just spew along with anything that might be better than ipsum lorem or whatever on my blog.I have come up with some interesting notions about the person who sent these links but more important are the facts that these were smart and interesting ways to communicate.I haven't seen anything at YOUR NOT AS SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE that I am not aware of but I know there are things there that I don't.In my mind I could describe the person who sent these links but that's just personal conjecture.Why, is a pointless question because its indeterminate, so I remember to trust that people learn how they will according to what is appropriate in there own way.I feel happy to leave defensive responses and disputes alone rather than rationalize them excessively.I also do not care to win a point over someone in that manner or any other ultimately; And, it reminds me that one ought to treat others as they would be treated which I apply to myself in this case re: How and what I write..............................

Nuance, Feel and Mood

2011-02-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

Playing a musical instrument that produces a digital signal with digital equipment and digital production seems to have decreased Nuance and ' feel ' in the professional musician.There is a decreased need for professional musicians in general in the digital age when it comes to music production.I have noticed very good players seeming to have to bang it out at a kind of set intensity.I have noticed the settings available to me as a guitar player on my new digital equipment does more in creating different sound characters then previously.I grew up with a grand piano in the house and while I could not be taught how to learn the piano nothing stoped me from playing it with touch and varying degreeeeez of intensity.If less of this is the case it should show up in other art forms, some with or without music,as a decrease in overall nuance,mood and feel.I am not sure it matters or how but its different when you can play a crumby electric guitar through a crumby amp and set the effects on Les Paul sound with martial stacks or fender twin effects..........

SOME MISCELANEOUS LARD

2011-02-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

Isolation is the culprit! Americans spend 13 hours less per week socializing with each other in person then Mexicans do.If its true it makes sense;I heard it in some news somewhere.I think its increasingly important to realize the changes in the way people communicate will create a change in perception of values,relationships,responsibility in communicating and a lot of other words and phrases that would fit here.4 sure our culture is in a seemingly interminable midst of inevitable change.There was an op ed in the NY Times by Joe Scarborough this past week about this, which I didn't read, but I bet its all cautionary and what not.I once wrote about the diminution in some qualities the word " friend " in daily life, as a result of on line communication; But, I do not think its helpful to hold today up against yesterday when it comes to generational change and change that affects the majority and represent the completely unknown qualities of unfamiliar destinations.It seems to me that there must be a difference between growing up having to wait on a corner for 45 minutes for a friend or date etc vrs having cell phones and canceling plans 10 minutes before you meet.It used to be a drag waiting it out when people were late and it was easy to get stood up with a good excuse " there was no way to reach you".My reality tells me younger people would have insight that would be considered by more of the population.The results of Joe Scarborough's generation and up (in age) on our society probably looks less than stellar to those under 40.......... DON"T you agree?.I would rather read an op ed on civil discourse in the United States in the digital age by Hilton Perez than Joe Scarborough but Joe is around my age and a little predictable to me.Anyway, until....... Lard will be continued with Pigs Knuckles smothered in gelatin.

The flash card section

2011-02-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

Its interesting that when I feel sharply of two minds about someone there is often true salvation.This situation seems like it can't be created so when it happens I try to remember that that feeling makes it possible to change the way one feels in a solid reliable way.If I feel just anger then I conclude the subject in my mind while and in my actions.If I feel all involved and overtly loving I suspect I may be angry etc and am covering it up out of a sense of survival.Some learn well from getting bruised a bit from being playfull and free but that is often a good way to learn about oneself on ones own terms.I do not think better or worse has much to do with this but "feeling better " often does.Take writing this blog for example.I have learned so much about people and myself from learning to get past the emmiediate gratification of writing whatever without much consideration of how it comes accross to others.Same goes for speeking.It kinda sorta never dawned on me that I could express ideas when I am feeling out of sorts and have the feelings I would like to escape by writing turn out screaming in the communication.For the most part these words are for someone going through life somewhat similarly to the experiences I have.Thats what matters to me as well as a curiousity about people and all I do not understand about them to a reasonable extent.Its a good thing to care enough to recognize the value of just being oneself and feeling content without the expense of putting someone else down...........its lunchtime.......

............from the previous post re:notes about Lost in Translation

2011-02-06T14:40:00.000-08:00

The previous bit about all this was my attempt to get to a place to say this ............I beleive that film is a litterary art form but what I like about film is what is conveyed without words, whether lines are being spoken or not.I recently did what I had planned and like to do in the cold and crumby whether which is watch movies and watch a select few to study and think about.In the case of " Lost in Translation " I had seen parts of it and the end a few times but saved watching it for a later day and then watched it three or four times recently.It is a film with a lot of dimmensions one of which is human intimacy , on a transpersonal psychological level.This film is very correct regarding itself.It takes place in Japan and it embodies the notion of seeing the miraculous in the mundane that informs far eastern culture and art particularly in japan where there is a rich and old tradition of film making that was informed by this idea.It is also Traditional in Italian film as well, for example the film Umberto D, made in 1953 which is somehow related to Ikyru in my mind as they are both bold with the mundane.I thought the Sophia Coppola film was very daring.The directors ability to make the content and subject work shows in their ability to keep the audience interested.There is no medium gimicks and the medium is played like a musical instrument apart from the message all together.A Multi cultural America would make films in Japan so the film starts to bend in some interesting ways.I found a very life like portrayal of anxiety in intimacy between people as well as an individual and personal portrayal of self doubt was well done.The wardrob looked like it was both a carefully conceived and executed plan and just clothes the actors like to wear.The Cameron Diaz like role and the bill murray character's similarity to his real life reminded me of " The player " to some degree in that there is a connection to reality in the actions and scenes the director has the actors play.In the player people playing themselves pop up throughout the film which creates a very interesting feeling.In some ways the feeling that the actors evoke are a mirror of a domestic sense of doubt.It might be said that this film portrays ambivalence in a daring and realistic way.I have to look up some film criticism about this film. The title of the previous post is one more like what I would like to read than write.I thought of save the tiger after seeing this movie but Save the tigar is not a film story but a filmed one.Still, both captivate with tools at hand in above average ways in portraying at first glance,difficult subject matter.While the main characters seem somewhat uncomfortable in their ideas of what they like and dislike as far as feeling satisfied with their lives, we the audience can relate to the actors not because we like them or are sympathetic to them but that what they seem to feel is familliar to us.I thought this was part of a nuanced tension in the film that seemed voyearistic.Almost like the film and the actors and story were different things that came together but did so by a well crafted coincidence.A lot is left to the viewer which I suppose is evident by the enigmatic ending.I am no lover of paintings by george tucker with some exceptions but I like art that tackles the subject of human intimacy and alienation in life.

LOST IN TRANSLATION-:Some notes about the Sofia Coppolla film,the United States and Film Making

2011-02-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

I think I am in the minority in my opinion that the best film did not win the Best Film Award in 2003.
WINNER
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: Barrie M. Osborne, Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh
NOMINEES
Lost in Translation: Ross Katz, Sofia Coppola
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World: Samuel Goldwyn Jr., Peter Weir, Duncan Henderson
Mystic River: Robert Lorenz, Judie Hoyt, Clint Eastwood
Seabiscuit: Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall, Gary Ross
This film did win "best Director",as some film enthusiasts may recall.I understand that The Lord of The Rings is a more consumable film accessable to many while Lost in Translation by its subject matter could be considered less so.Considering how much the "Fellowship ......" cost to make I think most would say that maximising profit had to be a very important consideration in this film endeavor.Save the Tigar is a pretty depressing film but an important American film in its subject matter and the generation it seems to concern itself with. It was both depressing and captivating and I suppose that people who saw it in 1973 remembered it( like " Lost..", Save the Tigar won an important award but not best picture, in 1973).As for winning ' best picture ' in 1973, looking back and considering where film making has come since then, clearly American Graffitti was the freshest most Innovative film making amongst the nominees that year.It also holds up to time best out of the group in the running.I find it interesting that both of these films were produced by, directed and written by, a Coppola and both are notably higher quality then their compitition.George Hill Directed many well known films Quite well but my whole point here is............ that I hold that F. F. Coppolla will be remembered as a more influential and creative film maker by those who deem these things so;And,that S. Coppolla and F.F Coppola or lets just say S Coppolla et al present films where the Directing is unique and loud enough in its production design and editing that the flavor of the directing becomes more elaborated in using the medium as a pallatte.Editing,Film composition and angle,as well as whatever can be manipulated in a new and daring way in the entire film making process are actually noticable brush strokes of a particular artist,and quite accessable to the general viewer.Thats what many accute lovers of film seem to do.They favor some directors over others.Clearly it is rare to find someone who declares that George Roy Hill is their favorite director or Peter Jackson for that matter.Both are fine directors but I doubt they will be remembered for much daring other than daring to work well with their banking freinds who want a long and conservative bet (and delivering!).When F.F Coppola produces a film it has a quality about it that says its good enough for him to put his name on.American Graffitti, directed by George Lucas , was made very much by him as was Lost in translation by Sophia Coppola.It seems to me most notable films are written and directed by the same person.Thats a perception but most great directors write and lost in translation comes accross through a very well tweaked script.It wouldn't suprise me to hear that it took many years to write but I wouldn't be suprised if the opposite was the case.I gathereed along the way that one of the characters in the movie was actually based on Cameron Diaz.In the film there is a funny reference to Yale, considering Cameron Diaz went there.I wonder what thats about.It seemed like someone is a little insecure about the insipid as far as that character seemed important to me but there is more to what the director conveys.A mood of ambivalence and conflict is well played by the actors and well perpetrated by surprising and fine editing of bold camera angles and sequences.The scene sequence when the male character is shooting the film and photography reminds me of the close up on the scampi looking shrimp close to the beginning of Appocalypse Now.It seems like a logical idea to shoot an American film with so much Japanese influence while the theme of being alienated and standing out in a world that has changed and is out of control, benifits from the location. more on this by 4 now.

Signs and Symbols of A Primordial Neo-Federalist

2011-02-05T07:47:00.000-08:00

I present the following content I rounded up on the subject of recent studies of human sexuality that presents new information to the experts studying it.There is quite a bit on it but this is from Science Daily.............................ienceDaily (June 13, 2003) — EVANSTON, Ill. --- Three decades of research on men's sexual arousal show patterns that clearly track sexual orientation -- gay men overwhelmingly become sexually aroused by images of men and heterosexual men by images of women. In other words, men's sexual arousal patterns seem obvious.
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But a new Northwestern University study boosts the relatively limited research on women's sexuality with a surprisingly different finding regarding women's sexual arousal.
In contrast to men, both heterosexual and lesbian women tend to become sexually aroused by both male and female erotica, and, thus, have a bisexual arousal pattern.
"These findings likely represent a fundamental difference between men's and women's brains and have important implications for understanding how sexual orientation development differs between men and women," said J. Michael Bailey, professor and chair of psychology at Northwestern and senior researcher of the study "A Sex Difference in the Specificity of Sexual Arousal." The study is forthcoming in the journal Psychological Science.
Bailey's main research focus has been on the genetics and environment of sexual orientation, and he is one of the principal investigators of a widely cited study that concludes that genes influence male homosexuality.
As in many areas of sexuality, research on women's sexual arousal patterns has lagged far behind men's, but the scant research on the subject does hint that, compared with men, women's sexual arousal patterns may be less tightly connected to their sexual orientation.
The Northwestern study strongly suggests this is true. The Northwestern researchers measured the psychological and physiological sexual arousal in homosexual and heterosexual men and women as they watched erotic films. There were three types of erotic films: those featuring only men, those featuring only women and those featuring male and female couples. As with previous research, the researchers found that men responded consistent with their sexual orientations. In contrast, both homosexual and heterosexual women showed a bisexual pattern of psychological as well as genital arousal. That is, heterosexual women were just as sexually aroused by watching female stimuli as by watching male stimuli, even though they prefer having sex with men rather than women.
"In fact, the large majority of women in contemporary Western societies have sex exclusively with men," said Meredith Chivers, a Ph.D. candidate in clinical psychology at Northwestern University, a psychology intern at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health and the study's first author. "But I have long suspected that women's sexuality is very different from men's, and this study scientifically demonstrates one way this is so."
The study's results mesh with current research showing that women's sexuality demonstrates increased flexibility relative to men in other areas besides sexual orientation, according to Chivers.
"Taken together, these results suggest that women's sexuality differs from men and emphasize the need for researchers to develop a model of the development and organization of female sexuality independent from models of male sexuality," she said.
The study's four authors include Bailey and three graduate students in Northwestern's psychology department, Chivers, Gerulf Rieger and Elizabeth Latty.
"Since most women seem capable of sexual arousal to both sexes, why do they choose one or the other?" Bailey asked. "Probably for reasons other than sexual arousal."
Sexual arousal is the emotional and physical response to sexual stimuli, including erotica or actual people. It has been known since the early 1960s that homosexual and heterosexual men respond in specific but opposite ways to sexual stimuli depicting men and women. Films provoke the greatest sexual response, and films of men having sex with men or of women having sex with women provoke the largest differences between homosexual and heterosexual men. That is because the same-sex films offer clear-cut results, whereas watching heterosexual sex could be exciting to both homosexual and heterosexual men, but for different reasons.
Typically, men experience genital arousal and psychological sexual arousal when they watch films depicting their preferred sex, but not when they watch films depicting the other sex. Men's specific pattern of sexual arousal is such a reliable fact that genital arousal can be used to assess men's sexual preferences. Even gay men who deny their own homosexuality will become more sexually aroused by male sexual stimuli than by female stimuli.
"The fact that women's sexual arousal patterns are not all predicted by their sexual orientations suggests that men's and women's minds and brains are very different," Bailey said.
To rule out the possibility that the differences between men's and women's genital sexual arousal patterns might be due to the different ways that genital arousal is measured in men and women, the Northwestern researchers identified a subset of subjects: postoperative transsexuals who began life as men but had surgery to construct artificial vaginas.
In a sense, those transsexuals have the brains of men but the genitals of women. Their psychological and genital arousal patterns matched those of men -- those who like men were more aroused by male stimuli and those who like women were more aroused by the female stimuli -- even though their genital arousal was measured in the same way women's was.
"This shows that the sex difference that we found is real and almost certainly due to a sex difference in the brain," said Bailey.
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Northwestern University (2003, June 13). Study Suggests Difference Between Female And Male Sexuality. ScienceDaily. Retrieved February 5, 2011, from http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2003/06/030613075252.htm
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http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17636559 This is the address of a site with all the professional jargon one could want regarding this subject.......Brain response to visual sexual stimuli in heterosexual and homosexual males.
Paul T, Schiffer B, Zwarg T, Krüger TH, Karama S, Schedlowski M, Forsting M, Gizewski ER.

Department of Diagnostic and Interventional Radiology and Neuroradiology, University Hospital Essen, Germany.
Abstract
Although heterosexual and homosexual individuals clearly show differences in subjective response to heterosexual and homosexual sexual stimuli, the neurobiological processes underlying sexual orientation are largely unknown. We addressed the question whether the expected differences in subjective response to visual heterosexual and homosexual stimuli may be reflected in differences in brain activation pattern. Twenty-four healthy male volunteers, 12 heterosexuals and 12 homosexuals, were included in the study. BOLD signal was measured while subjects were viewing erotic videos of heterosexual and homosexual content. SPM02 was used for data analysis. Individual sexual arousal was assessed by subjective rating. As compared to viewing sexually neutral videos, viewing erotic videos led to a brain activation pattern characteristic for sexual arousal in both groups only when subjects were viewing videos of their respective sexual orientation. Particularly, activation in the hypothalamus, a key brain area in sexual function, was correlated with sexual arousal. Conversely, when viewing videos opposite to their sexual orientation both groups showed absent hypothalamic activation. Moreover, the activation pattern found in both groups suggests that stimuli of opposite sexual orientation triggered intense autonomic response and may be perceived, at least to some extent, as aversive.

Copyright 2007 Wiley-Liss, Inc.
PMID: 17636559 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

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Neural correlates of sexual arousal in homosexual and heterosexual men.
[Behav Neurosci. 2007]
Patterns of brain activation during visually evoked sexual arousal differ between homosexual and heterosexual men.
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Sex differences in response to visual sexual stimuli: a review.
Sex differences in response to visual sexual stimuli: a review.
Arch Sex Behav. 2008 Apr ;37(2):206-18. Epub 2007 Aug 1 .
PubMed
Brain response to visual sexual stimuli in heterosexual and homosexual males.
Brain response to visual sexual stimuli in heterosexual and homosexual males.
Hum Brain Mapp. 2008 Jun ;29(6):726-35.
PubMed
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So I guess theoretically there could be a ma...................I think I'ill just leave it there 4 now.

SWAMP CASTLE

2011-01-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk Sometimes it seems to me like life is a lot like this skit from the movie.

Ground score of the decade!!!!!!! (well.....found in the basement anyway)

2010-10-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

These are sooooo good.Thats my world.Typically I am left no choice but to drink these bottles as there are cases of it found quite unexpctedly in my close proximity.It can't be sold because it was a gift bla bla bla so I get to savor it in a propitious but regular quantity.A very very very sweet thing like winning the wine lottery if you like bordeaux wine.I am ignorant about wine mostly accept for red bordeaux a little.As can be seen by the vintage,these are not wines normally available to anyone but someone flush with lotz of cash or someone touched by serendipity.The Grand vin la tour 1980 kix butt and the bottles are in total perfect condition.I don't know but I guess 1980 is a better year than 1978 but the 78 was starting to turn bad a little tiny bit 4 sure and i think the 1980 is a higher quality grade and producer.So if you have to pick a very very expensive bordeaux wine and this bottle is a choice then I highly reccomend it.Its a sweet irony some days when my wallet book is temporarily slim and i'm drinking a priceless 30 year old bottle of wine! A sweet suprise and a rare priveledge

http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/06/29/subjective-validation/

2010-10-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/06/29/subjective-validation/

I know I have been on the right track on the basis of the quality of this blog/site.Stuff one thinks about but can rarely find someone else to share these ideas with.I always wanted to express some of these things in an eloquent,cogent manner as is at the above site.I have to read it more.I can't recall where I got it from or was given by someone.So thanks quite a lot.For whatever reason or by whatever sentiment its very relevant 4 me it seems to me especially before going to India.This also helps organize and emphasize areas of consideration in a satisfactory qualitative organization I guess is implied by what is emphasized.I gotta look mower....but if it was sent to me its very fine and i'm grateful to come by it

WINDOW REFLECTION WITH DIGITAL ALTERATIONS

2010-10-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

PLEASE SEE PREVIOUS

I found this reflection in a glass window.I wanted to share it with you.The photo is not altered.

2010-10-01T17:51:00.000-07:00

ONE HEART

I admire your standard of excellence,and your creative taste is impecable (in all your endeavors).You know I am no sycophant so I will say I have learned that you are fair and trustworthy in every important and real way.Your humanity is precious to me and I am proud to be a human being at the same time as your being human.I am sufficed by this.I wont elaborate because i know u know. This post will be crystal clear to the person it is directed to.If it doesn't make sense to you that's the reason.I'm taking a long shot here and can't be sure it will fullfill its mission but i'm giving it a shot.

The dude from argentina and a word I learned on teusday...

2010-09-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

Moral turpitude is a phrase I have seen on a page while reading but never knew quite the meaning of.In retrospect I can see why I had it in my mind regarding this argentinian golfing dude from the seventies or something,whatever that means;because,it illustrates the meaning in a sweet way.Since I'm writing this and I have also written "when (or where?) there are words do not trust them",one would think I'm daft or something when I write that what your reading is one person trying to order and express thoughts.I am not sure why as there are a host of possibilities!!!This dude gave a woman 10k dollars after she told him the baby she was holding needed an operation.He won that much every weekend wherever he went.4 real the dude was on t.v golf tours and whatnot(ihategolf).No,he was a real man, is what I mean.he's perhaps even still extant and it was told to me and a few hundred others as a true anecdote.The next weekend his dudes tld him he had been tricked,that they knew the womans brother who told one of them the truth blah b b b blah and the dude said "you mean the baby is fine,its not sick,its a healthy baby?", and they said "that's right...." to which he sincerely replied "Thank god the baby is fine".Thats because his moral purpitude is not based on what society says is good and bad but what his heart tells him is of ultimate importance."where there are words don't trust them" is an eastern expression that I think has more to do with situations and the nature of words to always be different than what they are describing.I don't think they mean no words should ever be trusted.I don't have ESP although I have had my moments I am not aware that I have and use ESP,but I can know a lot through inference.I can know a lot when I am vibrating and moving next to someone else doing the same!!! I can understand someone elses feelings by a look or glance given off at a certain time,and don't we all? Words alone are an incomplete message but can be complete Its interesting to attempt to communicate through inference with words and songs and the inclusion of consideration of someone elses individual and relative inferences."WHAT A LOAD OF HOG WASH HOW MUCH MORE CONVALUTED.......".It was supposed to segway in to something about blip fm.I seem to recall writing something about subtlety at blip fm and last night I noticed a song called "I just want to fuck you" and I realized I don't know what I'm talking about!!!!no time to edit oh well BUT IT DIDN'T NEED IT AND i AINT DONE.I have implicit faith in nature whether I like it or not and I am sure that people are not "things".I did very poorly in a comment I made regarding this,so poorly in fact that nowhere do I even mention it in the comment.People being turned in to objects of desire by others and being made in to idealized thoughts of the person based on nothing.People do this with each other endlessly it seems and finding fame and fortune is one of many examples.I am sure I am sure of little.GOD......WHY DOES THE CURSOR START MOVING AROUND BY IT SELF? aND.....how does it? .I know the quality of the mind state i'm experiencing will be a grade or mark by which to know if my assumptions are useful based on the level of calm I am experiencing.uuuurrrr if i'm thinking good then i'm thinking in a balanced way and hopefully not thinking about thoughts.Well woopti fuckin do 4 me eh,,,,,? well thats enough I suppose and of course......................me to

c PREVIOUS POSTS TO THIS ONE

2010-09-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

New painting c next posts 4 info

2010-09-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

......AND......this direction

new project and painting study of 'type'

2010-09-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

IN THIS DIRECTION.............

A RECENT PAINTING ,PART OF SERIES.... Painting Painted by Ralph Usdan 9/8/10

2010-09-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

This is meant to be seen hanging in the direction the viwer wishes whenever and with some additional new ideas about presentation I propose employing,namely changing the direction of the paintings in an unexpected way as part of the presentation,perhaps in a smaller room in the gallery.My blipfm isn't loading properly ....hhmmmm

Presto Manifesto ! !

2010-09-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

No sooner did I write ".....more creative......" ,or soon there after, I went to Douglasston early to paint and was prodigious.More importantly I got a pick up from employing the sketching out of a concept which adds electricity as one of the media.Although one painting was completed,it represents its own regeneration as being somewhat effortless.I have gone many years not doing what I do with my painting which is an ease with large format work.In this case,owing to the addition of a mechanical device or two,or three,as well as the metal involved which creates a 'sculpture like' implication,two and a half by three could work.It occurs to me today how much film making can be like movies.Some directors of film could so well visualize what they wanted that they can sketch out the story board version of the scene with such precision and accuracy that they did not need to be there.I have seen interviews of various film makers,some of whom mentioned that 4 them the hard work is over once you've completed the writing and plans to execute the script.I watched this Wayne Wang movie I had never seen but knew about.I think this movie is easy and touching to watch and because it was made on a 10,000 dollar budget the economy of the scenes makes for clean editing of an exactly chosen series of scenes.Its called "Chan is Missing" This is what a professional movie made at home would look like I suppose. A lot of painting happens through non verbal experience and its accumulation and everyone is different besides, but,one could agonize over what to do at a point during the painting process for hours .....the strokes decided on take two minutes to employ and actually do.I keep hearing the song "no more words" in my head while attempting to write a post.Also, I would like to write one work of fiction in my life and use my life experiences to draw from so,in the art of writing,the less words the better.I don't need to write my life down to know what to write.Sometimes this is a way to communicate very extraneously with others without demanding when if one ore the other ever does,and it is a way to share whats coming in by letting it out.It appears to me that there are other ways to communicate that are sweeeeeeeet if not indescribable,serendipitous light and funny.I don't really have much now....................but i will want to write something(or think I do)sooner or later....and since i spaced out and didn't bother to edit it until a bit later wound up fulfilling.

I have Implicit faith in you

2010-09-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

I have implicit faith that some people whom I may not know or seem to know or have anything in common with are very much a significant part of how I fit in the world.I believe that divergence is love and I believe that loving someone in any variety does not guarantee fireworks when lips meet when appropriate.I imagine someone feeling as I do and I speak to them as I remind myself of the relative and ultimate truth of things visualizing real peacefulness pervading the world.I imagine sharing the intimacy of common experience without having to be in front of someone or have a need to control whether they are or not.I trust Nature and I believe that contentment is worthy of desire.I believe that soups that take a long time to make taste better than microwave instant.I believe at times in my life I couldn't stand anyone thinking they knew me and I think I had an aversion to being loved that had a good reason so I have been well honored by your teaching.Songs do not come close to expressing though I am a lot more creative lately........hhhmmmm.My heart is resilient in a very strong way today and lately.

Falling Back Apart but Together Forever or Whatever....

2010-09-07T13:17:00.000-07:00

I NEVER GOT CLOSE TO WRITING WHAT I SET OUT TO, LET ALONE FINNISH HERE SO PROCEED ACCORDINGLY. I was thinking,which can be a bigger mistake 4 then not 4 me.That's because I had a somewhat none working sense of discretion.I have an aunt who hasn't even a slight notion of what is appropriate to say and when in her social intercourse.I have seen this in other people as well and was horrified to find it in myself but consoled to see that with a little extra effort ,and in general,it was not that bad 4 me.Aunt Ellie would be at a party and c an old friend and then speak to them in a loud voice above the crowd to let them know the important insight......"my god June,your so fat!!!!". Then..."why don't you join weight watchers".....and on and on she would go.She had a terrible childhood period the end and given the apparatus she had to work with neurologically she would have been hard on any parents.So much mental anguish goes away as one walks along their trail it seems to me.Perhaps its meaningless and they don't notice it as they are absorbed in some "all encompassing high stress crises".Many people use trauma and crises as a habitual way to motivate oneself.I can relate because most all my life I have been a total morning person.A normal day for me always started when the sun came up with my heart pumping fast and my head full of positive funny and scatological thinking.ooops gotta go out and meet the dude 4 a sec.....to be continued.And.........ok so...um.Ok...so the above is regarding something that I was musing over and might want to recall or perhaps have thrown in my face!Do I know?I do not have ESP that I am aware of.I have seen what the power of suggestion can do to manipulate other people's conclusions and,owing to my odd voice,I realize that even making comments employing what was supposed to be taken as facetious mock "authoritarian" can turn out looking and being perceived as actual.I mentioned overcoming a habitual lack of awareness or a "neurologically" explained space out moment because I have left a long trail of uncompleted thoughts that I forgot about by the time I started writing and there just none sense because I sat around thinking something and while organizing these thoughts wound up writing or blogging one supporting paragraph which winds up communicating something that a sure lack of social discretion can be my only explanation.Abraham Lincoln was known to have lacked a degree of expression and his war minister ....Stanton" said the president couldn't keep secrets unless of course you told him.I can relate and I also know I am perfectly capable of comporting myself with excellent acumen.I think I got very lazy and as my "give a shitter" altered as I progressed down the trail.Most of my so called disability can be overcome and it seems to me that when I was living in the new york city shelter system,not knowing what was going to happen as I spent my time wrapped up in meeting all the compliances one must go through with doctors,federal agencies and maintaining all the consistent responses required to let the system work and award you your earned disability check,I got in the habit of pressing the panic button compulsively.Getting hysterical about stuff that didn't actually exist and throwing common sense out the window.The fact is that how one feels is often largely something we can't control and some people are just like everyone else just a lot more so.Just a little bit of experience with a psychotic episode means for some(and at DIFFERENT points in ones life) and definitely according to the medical community,that they will always have to take special measures to avoid such episodes thereby rendering the person "disabled".That means that whenever you apply for most jobs you are required to inform the employer,by law and for the well being of society ,that you have a predilection towards becoming psychotic even if this rarely happens.Just loss of sleep can cause a domino affect that can cause lots of heartache for people involved.You know I know better than to think anyone reading this thinks I am saying "oh ,look at how much I 'do the right thing' or what have you".There is I think, a point and thankfully an end to this post which is that,just like my satisfied reaction to someone else's artistic work which expresses something I deeply feel needs to be, I am satisfied to c someone content and satisfied without needing them to do so in a manner I wish or desire.I can not always get there with enough certitude to alter some negative feelings and thoughts driving me nuts but....uh o time ran out and I gotta get s'more minutes.....hold on ...almo..... I don't know if I can blip and do this at the same time.There once was a man from Argentina and he was an international champion golfing pros.He wasn't a top dude but he....man that blip is kickin my ass.It works best if I just let it choose because otherwise i start turning over ideas of any possible song or variation thats playing and get stuck on tunes I know already and miss out hearing new and juicy.There isn't a love song written to describe whats in my heart for some people

A GEM OF AN EXCHANGE OF COMMENTS I FOUND RE: LIVE SCIENCE ARTICLE ON WOMEN'S BRAINS

2010-09-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

"There is no such thing as a unisex brain," says neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine of the University of California in San Francisco and author of "The Female Brain."

Despite the trumpets of women's lib, science suggests sex differences are innate. Women, apparently, are not curvy versions of men sporting high-heeled shoes.

Here are 10 things every woman-loving man should know.

-- Robin

Wow--there's always an excuse for women to behave irrationally and nastily, isn't there? My wife torments my daughter and I for two weeks out of every month, and of course it's "PMS".

I've been alive awhile now. I've had more than my share of days when I have had hardly any sleep (or literally no sleep at all). I've been stressed to the extreme over money, health, or anything else that happens in life. I've had hormonal surges of my own. But what I haven't done is go around treating people like garbage as a matter of habit, because I can fall back on some bullshit "it's my body" excuse.

Wow i find this offensive. Are we living in 1950? So women's "hormones" prevent them from any sort of rational or effective functioning, including child-bearing by themselves in the early years because they can't handle stress? How do you explain women doing more housework than men -- even when they work just as long at work? AND doing the child-care work? If they can't handle stress and are so irrational?

Look, some of this is true for me. I prefer to "befriend" people rather than compete with them. But I can also hold my own in an argument. Most women can't because they have been taught not to argue -- they lack the skills because they are taught to be nice all the time instead of competent or smart or right.
You will probably find brain differences in people who were taught sports and people who were taught to read quietly by themselves too. That doesn't mean the differences are in-born.

I'm sure pregnancy will be hormonally difficult -- something men never have to deal with.

But come on, you take statistical generalizations like these, make a really big deal out of them, let people pick the negatives like "heartsick" here who skips the "women care for other people and try to make friends all the time" bit and jumps on the "cant' handle stress" bit to explain his unpleasant wife, and you might as well remove women from all jobs and stick them in the home, or better yet, in the basement where their hormonal manipulative ways can't affect their children in a negative way, because clearly, weak, hormonal, stress-intolerant women aren't fit for the uber-stressful job of raising children. ETepicyon wrote:

I agree. I dislike this article because it gives other people the excuse to say "Oh, you're a women, you're like this" without even knowing me. It might be the stereotype, but it's not like there isn't an incredible amount of variation between the sexes. I didn't relate to much of anything in the article. Personality wise, I'm just like my dad and honestly, I enjoy conflict - just not the emotional drama crap - and I work best under constant stress. This article is a bit pointless, and it doesn't really promote the right stuff.

To a dear heart I am sure.....addressed elswhere dear heart

2010-09-04T17:49:00.000-07:00

The Latin phrase "Lorem Ipsum Dolar" Has nothing to do with the words nonesense or meaningless.4 example I wrote here that in movie editing the cuts go from still shot to moving when in fact the sorta 'institutional' way is the opposite.Scenes in motion go to scenes in motion while scenes that are still or with out camera movement follow one anonother to a point only but 4 toes inclined interesting to observe.Editing establishes the rhythm of the movie experience in part so one might care about this if one were a dancer or musician along with those gifted in visual arts that include 'Composition', as well.THE POINT is that LOREM IPSUM DOLAR OR HOWEVER ITS SPELT means something more akin to misnomering a phrase.Yes....litoraly thats also nonenesense because the expression has a distinct usage from whence it came.Ok who cares about this bit cheers The word Metaphysics is completely misnomered.It never meant more than a description to added meterial to the "physics" supposedly written by aristotle Hence the added "Metta".All this could be said to be as worthy of your time as 'Lorem Ipsum Dolar'is relevant to the material content wherein it is used.I'M GUESSING BUT THATS MY STORY AND I'M STICKIN TO IT.

a dij drawing

2010-09-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

This is a post I found and appreciated so I wanted to share it.

2010-09-03T17:27:00.000-07:00

ONE HEART

Eat, Pray, Love is a tribute to our human ability to change our thinking and, thus, change our lives. The main character is willing to confront her internal demons (faulty assumptions and beliefs), thus moving from fear to love. In one scene she comments that “ruin is the beginning of transformation.”

I affirm that enough of us will be willing to change ourselves so that planetary ruin is not required. Chaos is the precursor to transformation. I envision each and every person engaging the chaos of changing our outdated beliefs so that we can prevent the more radical societal chaos that is likely to ensue if we don’t. In other words, let’s do our individual transformation so that harsher societal consequences can be avoided.

Few doubt that we are living in a time of choice. One way or the other people and their societies are about to take a quantum leap. I, for one, affirm we will do it the easier way…by changing ourselves…opening up to love, and leaving fear behind. That is my choice. What is yours?

Posted By Charlotte Shelton

Dancing Merengue Dog

2010-09-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

ONE HEART OMG MY BRAIN IS GOING TO BLOW UP OMFG CHEERS!!!!!!

new dij drawing

2010-09-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

a recent dij it ull drawing.

Allen Toussaint - Southern Nights

2010-09-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

ONE HEART

Alberta Hunter "Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out"

2010-09-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

ONE HEART

corny but still good in my opinion! hope you like it it reads out loud well.(only the 1st stanza is not english)

2010-09-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

1. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats 5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question … 10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, 15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, 20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go 35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— 40
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all— 55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress 65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets 70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! 75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? 80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, 85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while, 90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— 95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while, 100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: 105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . . 110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use, 115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old … 120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me. 125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

CONTENTS · BIBLIOGRAPHIC RECORD

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oops

2010-09-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the folowing verse,if gender bended, may illuminate the tentative communications found here in and owing to a more pronounced "denseness" in my thinking than one might suppose.(I niether wish to flatter myself that one wouldn't but If this were the case for certain one familiar with this blog is limited to the assumptions of what "being dense"means to their deffinition,I mean no offense to tjose suffering from this ,for some,a terrible and tragic affliction. from t.s Eliot's "the lovesong of j alfred prufrock........
"And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
Plainly,I made this blog more public than propriety would sensibly dictate through posting on a heavily trafficked blog site several years ago.We all can relate but perhaps a little more so on my part I am not proud to admit.Besides someone (almost anyone with my choices) would have handled it with less mental"density".Have I not written that I write this blog from and to a deep archrtypal place within my psychology that connects so much of ones inner self as to be intricately wholistic in relation to my life within and externally.Or something like that!I was a very lucky child for if I had been born in to a different class or country it would have meant a one way ticket to the credemore state mental hospital at best.The people my age who wound up there were unspeakably abused in every way.

I was singled out as dense and in need of medical attention by 5 years of age which amounted to little more than repeating several grades.I am a lucky man.I must let go of obsessively horror=frying myself for continueing to be private publicly and worst of all being so non challant and thoughtless about it.I have a mere intuition that if someone was reading this I have improptu guessed they assume I must think as they, much like my previous example of a car cutting off another.It somehow makes sense to the dude cutting you off.A good lesson I learned on a deeper level this year had to do with human affairs,socialization and how subsequently I acted like a slightly "off" 11 year old most of the time.If someone wanted me to be angry wih them now would be a bad time.I havn't been able to maintain hateful thoughts and feeligs much at all and I wonder if someone is mad at me 4 it!perhaps they think I am pretending and so they would feel further wrath at my glib dishonesty.I found over time in the passing of the centuries that it is hard to walk in another person's shoes and making superficial, crass simple judgements of others bad habbits or poor luck.Oddly artists,who often have keen thoughtful insights,owing to their commitment to excellent work,will be thoughtlessly judgemental in a harsh manner when the situation might be perfect for the healing power of a creative,thoughtful and hence "healing answer" even when no question was asked.The arts are very healing in my opinion.Perhaps it matters, and perhaps it doesn't.I have to be carefull not to let go of too much or I am liable to float away.I confess the use of the word "fraud" in an old forgotten post was very touching to me while I appreciated their passion towards my haphazzard comments I can't find anything fraudulant as much as thoughtless,insensitive and stupidly expressed on my part.I do wish the individual involved thought that the damage i caused myself,which remains and shall always remain insurmountable is enough along with their curse on me.The bigest problem with being public and being perceived as "anti" something that people feel passionate about is the poor fool who didn't realize they were being offensive is now marked for getting hassled on line,endless malware.Aso my original music on sound cloud won't blip and with this individuals resources, temperment and associations ANYTHING is possible. I see many vindictive comments written annonymously regarding this person that I find very offensive indeed to my sensibilities. offensive as my comment may be I was actually trying to defend can you believe i'm that careless.Lazy realy cuz I had a pretty serious and exacting job for 14 years.Be happy!!!I'm gone!!!!yea....yippy 4 someone or two or three.I'll communicate when communicated with(which is never .......never!!at least by any measurement of clear communication.)Its not imperative.Ah,back in the day I could have been vindictive and full to the brim with vituperative vitriolic bile par excellence but I do not entertain enmity 4 long towards oters although I find myself unforgivable.I must be more of a writer than I care to be because through a minimal amount of scouting I have enough material to write that one work of fiction each of us could write when one is older and greyer which still feels far off to me though its just around the corner I suppose.I am considering doing an amateur porn video with the crocadile for penance but It would be for a few people only and very stictly anonymous accept for those I want to share it with.Seems like a good site 4 it thouugh.Its the least I can do!!! I 'd like to remember stuff fondly rather then recall that the same "insult" according to one person was grounds by my dr. to put me in the state mental facility for a lengthy stay.I do not wish to know that the slighted person would wish that on me although its understandable given the time frame,when,blah,blah etc.I meant what I wrote regarding content in some recent blogz about this artist but I will not mention it again nor be in anyones face.I think I shall try harder the next time I get to tell someone that I think they are a singularly beautiful expression of the divine.I am ignorant regarding the aging process as I make so many mistakes I learn.It seems the more i am here on this sphere making circles around the sun the less apt I can be to critisize someone who reminds me of myself at times of my life.I can relate and I would not dare to presume I have something to say you may find worthwhile So now I shall say what I hope is the last of this......that I wish you supreme contentment and although I'm last on the list I would feel honour bound to be at your service if ever the need should (somehow I can not imagine it)arise.I know how I feel so all I can say is please accept this as you please......and........here it comes.......PERIOD,THE END. I hope all your desires come to pass for the benifit of all. P.s oops......I am sure you know all this and i hope i do not write this with a patronistic attitude.On some other occasion with other people I will take my words more seriously as ,putting vanity aside,I may have had and may for another have something of value to share in the spirit of "wu wei".In my mind the individual I address here will always be thought of as magnanimous and generous in essence and spirit.

quite often.....

2010-08-31T18:12:00.001-07:00

all my life,in fact,communicating was problematic.I had a sort of funny combo that made me apt to mess up.Everyone has reasons for who they are.So many people overcome great difficulties and achieve great things.I don't mean public accolades,fame or fortune.I understand why one might think that that was my only reasons but Besides what always comes first(a deep commitment to alleviate the hardships on children,the elderly and infirm. I would be very happy to be have anything to offer if asked and to do it anonymously.I don't know if someone has created or fomented a situation.I can't imagine why but i'm sure there would be an understandable reason if it were so.Are people that weak that once you have any material advantage over them that is all they care about?I know my desire and I doubt If i had been clear a long time ago and took a little more care the obstacles to merely communicating helpfully,humbly and in a way that might have brought some joy to whomever found something worthwhile in my communications.I'm trying to think of a hypothetical.....Lets say someone illegally tapped my phone or had me fallowed....I would still be disrespectful as a result of some of my thoughtless sarcasm that often never made sense cuz I would get ahead of what point I was being sarcastic about.All I can say is in case someone accidentally unnerved and unhinged me so they could feel more secure by creating a problem 4 me.....i count on your happiness and also the great knowledge you have to draw from which will make you a fine and effective teacher on the subject if it ever comes up you will be a big help to someone.I must seem arrogant to express this.I am not so maniacal,or think I'm so great but a strange intuition won't let me be.Namely,that a very modest sharing was somehow meant to be that has somehow gone wrong.I think thats the closest to writing it out clearly i have ever gotten.Its easy to screw up what one wants to say.Hmmmmm example hmmmmie-ie- oh ok....i mentioned something about being sad in India and I was thinking about Benares where many hindu people hope to die so there are always many people in a very bad state wandering around.This is an oft repeated situation throughout india.I have always wanted to do charnal ground meditation which I thought I was too young ten years ago but age is irrelevant..One goes with an instructor and together a group of yogi's spend several days considering the stages of decomposition.This is done to free a person from over attachment to the physical.There's much more to it and it can be looked up.It must sound horrific i am sure.My impression is that it can help a person to free up the wasting of energy on fleeting yet alluring Identification with our changing and finite physical manifestation.That sounds silly.I think the "physical body" is a phrase of convenience.Do I "have" a body or am I a "body"?.My point is nothing to do with what I just wrote but the original post mentioning sadness it looks like I think of feeling sad in a very superficial unconscious way.What can I do?I know thats not so but I am troubled by the potential waste even at the long and very unlikely odds that associating with me in any manner would be beneficial for myself and others.I noticed a rather judgmental comment made by an artist recently and I realized these things happen to even the most adept.Why say a hurtful comment or try to make oneself look better by picking on others?This comment prompted me to write this as I thought about words and there effects.I appreciate many people though It is irrelevant to them as is probably natural.One day I think It will be clear but my nature tells me certain occurrences over the last several years were coincidences with a message.I was disrespectful for reaching too high and being commonly human where protocol was necessary.If it were not for the very unusual life I have led I would not say with any sure conviction that I see people as normal humans with some admirable, personal and original qualities.I have said differently and I suppose this meager but sincere post will be looked upon as any other I have written.Hard to believe but I can comport myself with grace,discretion,interest and assistance regarding what I can.I realize I won't change your mind and I blame no one including me because one must go on enthusiastically in life.I wish I could write this with a modicum of clarity and precision.I have learned much but not equal to the benefit of learning with someone I trust in a unique way.Life is full of twists and turns not to mention the.....VICISSITUDES!whomever is reading this, regardless of what I may have said with no circumspection or compassion or consideration....I wish and pray for all your prayers to be answered even if you think i'm stupid for doing so. a big hug from someone to someone else whatever you please, if someone is reading this your very dear and I wish something of you......your own personal ecstatic joy throughout your life! I had to go out on the shaky limb of being offensive in my familiarity although I do not know if this is perused and its insulting to make assumptions about people I know next to nothing about.I have faith you understand.

seems like a useless well to me.....

2010-08-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

That would be this here blog to which I refer.You know part of saying whatever claptrap that comes to my mind has resulted in my writing on topics in a most unreliable manner.Sometimes it was just stupidity and other times it was laziness and a result of hard won confidence inadvertently abused.It took a long time to feel a sense of intrinsic belonging.I think this blog is like a useless dried up well that not only does no one read but I'm here with my broken bucket trying to get some water in.Oddly for sure however,if I write something remotely negative or embarssing or contrary to the opinion of certain people I notice these funny coincidences that seem to respond to these comments.I grew up around people that found it indispensable to judge others based on where they were born,what type of education etc.I found this distasteful although I was pronr towards being judgmental in that manner until I realized how stultifying it was towards my desire to see people in an egalitarian spirit.I have to laugh when I think How many times I defended artists Who I did genuinely feel deserved much more then a knee jerk "oh that's garbage".I peoved it to because I would play the material by some musical performance artists as I enjoyed surprising the listener when,after being told what a wonderful "spiritual" message the song contained and then telling them who wrote it.I was angry that people who were supposedly teaching modes of awareness that free people from thoughtless status quo would say"there may be people who sport High heals,makeup and/or a business suit who are enlightened but Ive never seen them".what a bunch of horse manure.All manner of people are enlightened in addition to which we human's come in different styles.Here I mean to say that this is a very ignorant thing to suppose.Also,some people are "yogi" or "seeker" style while others are What I call "master' style.They are secure in their sense of completness and even though they may watch orielly and vot republican,it is not uncommon to hear them say very profound comments that may take a vegetarian boooodist a long time to know.All this crap I write to say,if there is someone reading this I think you will agree that while I leave mounds of opportunities for others to malign me and dismiss me,for sure can we not at least agree that I write Here and elswher rather thoughtless and pointless comments that have probably ruined any chances if ever they existed for someone to take me seriously or consider me for any useful purpose.For this reason I hope I will be trusted when I say Am I A good example of what not to write.I am fairly certain that I was wrong to write comments in my own name.Please,remain incredulous all you want,but if I thought I was being assertively malicious why on earth would I use my name?I often tried to make a point very badly and I forget how important it is to qualify what one wishes to communicate.gotta go up the street 2 b continued I love people I know it bothers some folks oh well, if someone is reading this I hope you feel unfettered empathetic joy signed ralph usdan