Lock and re-Load

A good band name. 6 hours trying to upload on to bunk and corrupted software and at least 18 more to go.Good things come to those who wait but waiting is no guarantee.On the other hand waiting tends to clarify and makes a person's faith in another person strong.A sense that the whole picture is not clear to another and waiting for them to figure something out.It could be very disappointing but its worthwhile for somethings that are almost apparent in someone else because of rarity.I do not think something can be other than its nature no matter what thoughts or words are used.I can't pretend something is not true even when I try to talk myself in to it or try and find a rational by stoking mean or negative thoughts and words about someone else.I know that has happened and I know I have written things that I did not publish that were expressions like that.Its sort of funny ..........because I suspected very strongly that my anger was very confused and I made every attempt to sit on most of it.Lets say I wrote my anger out out and saved it to draft and it became a rejected post.No matter what it said its not the same as a posted expression.I think the one who is silent and does not let on what they are doing is likely to take things from where they are supposed to come from and not evidence to prove how horrible another person is.That allows me to have trust.In one case something pisses me off while in another way and from another it won't.I am more relieved by the minute because I c that I was being slow to realize what someone else realized much much faster than I could have thought.I was busy fooling myself by convincing myself that I felt differently than what should have been obvious to me.In fact I genuinely feel that what I am thinking about someone else is close to the reality of who they are in this case.That's very very little of course.....but the obvious barriers I look for subconsciously in others to protect myself from the love that I feel were superseded.I think writing a song was a good idea because a lot of what I am feeling comes out much better that way.I have finally found the vision that can carry me through whatever I do and wherever I go because it gives me a benchmark of sorts.Lots of aspects of my personality, likes and dislike have been taken over by the results of some bad choices I made and how I forgot myself as a result.It makes sense because I saw these things in someone else's personality and it pushed me to consider what I saw that I could relate to for myself.The desires I have can only be fulfilled by oneself because they concern what would be no matter what my life situation was.I feel like aliens are doing surgery on my ethereal bodies while I'm sleeping........I can barely contain my joy and I most likely ought to be crying...................I'm going with the joy and I confess I am protecting it so I can keep moving along this way.Its moving me and inspiring me and I feel unlike anything I have ever felt so I can't reject these feelings.I am sure of how I feel and I know I am not subconsciously choosing the obvious destructive scenario because of the feelings I'm not having and because I genuinely feel loyalty and inspiration for another person in a way that is free from their actions.I know this could not happen again because its completely the real thing to me.I do not think I will ever have to explain myself again because what I'm thinking is known already.I won't feel like this again and I do not think its possible.My nature and the essence of it are owned by another person for all intents and purposes. I have outright put every egg in one basket forever because its so odd and so impossible that Its worth the risk of resting on my perception of another.I am sure about my feelings in that they are not about scenarios and situations with someone else but the fact of who they are which remains mysterious at the same time.I am completely beyond avoiding pain for this.Nothing works at all.It sort of turns me on to know someone has so much power over me and I feel sexy about it like I'm playing out a scene.I won't avoid their rejection of me but I want to keep going until I upload my song at least !!!!!.The song says a lot of things I can't seem to communicate well in any other way...........................I in fact have faith in god or nature as expressed through another in this case so they can not be wrong in what they do but I could also be an atheist and feel the same way.God and nature do not have to be there but since I believe something moves my life thats somehow beyond normal understanding I feel more honest admitting it regardless of ho someone might think to use it against me or are sure its childish.