The Berlin wall

This computer is forever messed up.My experience is it just keeps going back to the same problems over and over so I work with its limitation.Its annoying to write things for a few hors and lose them but this is normal.I made a video recording of a song I wrote in 1995 and I never wanted to share it.I in fact specifically did not want to because of its meaning to me.Expressing oneself through any lyrical music composition trumps my wayward and haphazard manner regarding personal feelings expressed extemporaneously at this blog.I know... you should say Duh to me but I won't rush the action of writing a song which is why its a better choice for me.There is a reason why that happened though.I can't do what I thought I could with writing because my mind fly's off ,I don't finish my thoughts in writing and I often never get to the point at all ................P.s To whom it may concern Almost perfect but I would never have said " I'll stop bothering you " for one thing, and unless you were on the another side of the phone when I made a general comment in to the ethos of the telephone..........and I took it back fast.............and I am special, I have never wished someone to be in a doctors office.I highly recommend a sort of Freudian therapy as carried out by psychiatrists today but Its kind of too late for me to commit to that many years .It takes 12 ti 18 years in many cases but if you start relatively young amazingly these folks seem to do well and maintain their inimitable individualism while being comfortable being quote unquote Normal.In fact if I went back to being twenty six that's one thing I would do.Not to feel normal but to be the normal me.I stopped thinking to much about any comments or the comments where the comments should not have been a long time ago.I sort of found ways to write about it 'as if ' all kinds of things were true about it.I allowed for a much wider space in my heart and mind but not for something in return in the manner ascribed to me.In fact I have noticed many accidental things attached to me on line that i thought others may have judged me for and that might upset me a lot but I can not disagree with them because that's what they see.I put my faith in people to either realize something different is the case or not.I insist on that happening naturally but the process of writing can get lost in having a reason.I also did not want to discourage someone from communicating like that because of the humor and good intention I thought was present somehow.On that level its fun and light.I don't know why I would write things about it like that and I think I mentioned something about " being understood" recently that is not even close to what I thought I was trying to communicate.So fuck it.I try to not to try and express myself as I am and know that's enough.Not wanting to express something that winds up being offensive is different than wanting to be liked.That's the only reason why I wrote that stuff about the word lady and ralphue may.I am real stupid sometimes but at those times I actually thought I could prove that I don't.Its even worse because most people basically do.That's pretty nuts......" Hey look.... I want you not to like me" Hooray. We each can have an innate sense of belonging in this world and its my desire to promote that .That doesn't mean life isn't life and it certainly does not mean I can't get sidetracked in a destructive way.I noticed and thought about much more than I felt comfortable writing.I am happy to say that I have not changed my overall positive feelings about humanity and I do not feel bothered when its done in good taste.This is confounding to try and make room for something strange and out of the ordinary and respect that in my manner and then find I can't tell what's even remotely happening.I didn't play along being confused by what appeared to be an un natural amount of fickleness as far as writing.It seemed like someone being simultaneously more than one person which makes me pause.Some of us are very diverse in our interesting personalities.I had one reason for writing this blog and it is not the reason I have foisted on myself that has constrained me for quite a while.True....I did something else even from the start, but that could never compete with the competitive person.I have had a few really rotten moments and many were unprovoked so I put up with some things because I thought it was only fair.I mean a longer time ago(6 years).One thing I like about competitive people is they do not like to win by taking unfair advantage generally.I think its part of their learning process to see the difference.I also think people who are sharply hot and cold and who are very expressive to be great people.I like them and do not want to suggest that I ever have stopped or that I did not laugh nervously when they yelled at me so to speak.Real things remain real to me by themselves and I don't know how or why.But I like it.I am done with this subject and life is free to live.......................do as you please but I confess to wishing the best things for (as far as I can Imagine) anyone in contact with me because I feel better when they do on account of my perspective which serves me on simultaneous levels including the one where I get angry.Enough of this..................on to uploading............I confess I feel compelled to relate something about Picasso regarding some things to do with all of this but at a later time.