worlds in collision means mind over matter

I'm getting lot's of cream out of life.The first time someone said to me " don't look a gift horse in the mouth" I said " why not?".I didn't know what a gift horse was and its my habit to question and try to understand.The idea of zero convinced me that math was just wrong .I remember thinking that when I was 5 and math never existed again until my paycheck depended on it.It was a little funny because the math was so critical and one would have to use a calculator to figure these various weights per unit,machine time costs etc and it was an OCD heaven.Needless to say I did nothing once.Lots of people who are successful in all kinds of jobs are good because of so called disabilities.There are several extreme conditions one can be subject to given a fairly recognizable So called learning disability or mental diagnosis.Last week my shrink was telling me and showing me how they are throwing a lot of the old diagnosis and she had this grey covered book with the new ones.That always makes me sick but at least they hit my nail right because its exactly correct and has never changed and I was told as a teenager by my psychiatrist at that time that I am incurable.I had the pleasure of getting this in one way or another from all of them so I can't relate it to nice or not nice true or false.Its always been hair raising and I am so fucking glad not to mind it as much even though its exactly as horrible or more than it ever was.All things can be said to be easy for me because of how I have managed living in my way.One gets constantly paid back with very gentle ,kind feelings about oneself and the world.All of which depends on letting it rip and being brutally honest with oneself.After many years of lying to myself about being looney toons me ,myself and I went through the uglyness of accepting the facts.Thats where someone else enters the story more or less.I can't say someone is wrong when they don't know better or are perhaps not capable at the moment.I do know what happens when someone does an egregious wrong to you and they assume that nothing will happen.What happens is that all by itself you get duked big time.If you allow yourself to get all pissed off you can miss it.But if u don't mind it doesn't matter and thats an easy "yoke" as jesus liked to say instead of "yoga"."My yolk is easy" seems like a very clear thing to say about ones teaching and I can never understand which part of that people don't understand.Being looney toons comes out in people when they go BERSERK.I go berserk and I'm just nuts.Completely gone.When I recognize it in others I c god.I can't help it.I like most of being looney toons and I believe I have it all licked now because I'm still surviving the worst of it and I am still on track to do so many things I've dreamed of.I'll have to report back here to let the world know but I c no reason why not.This is a gift I got in exchange for something I gave away or rather I allowed and allow to be taken from me.Its all because I learned to paradigm shift like a true time traveler.Due to odd boundary troubles I had to cycle through some really shitty paradigms.Like ......I would think things were real in my head that weren't real but acted as a safety mechanism from extreme trauma.Someone has inadvertently done for me what no psychiatrist ever could and also taught me what know teacher ever could.That was the trade off.... thats life....thats art.One has to be the real deal in ones heart meaning not altering ones thoughts as a way to avoid whats going on.I mean altering ones thoughts in ways no drug can or that you would want to take.If you spend a lot of time doing something you get good at it which is something hard core homeless people say among others.In this example , I got good at brainwashing myself. and that wasn't a good thing.I decided 17 years ago that no one existed but me and that I was dead and everything around me was being played out as a sort of after life for my benefit.Luckily after several months of this bliss I realized it wasn't bliss at all but some new kind of mental masturbation I discovered.I learned to use this in a very positive way which allowed me to do things I could never do but I could never enjoy playing music or dancing as a contest and I could never stop the horrors coming on which was made much worse by being in the habit of thinking I could make it go away or denying it.You only win when you embrace it and realize that part of life is continually letting go and continually healing.I go to no psychiatrist or therapist without first asking them if they are healing.All good healers are healing no?.If music and dancing were a contest in any way people would do it to get to the end of the song and that makes no sense.Everyone would play faster and faster.That would be weired to dance(assuming you can find an actual dance floor with actual house music) to get to the end.Kim light foot is gods dj to me and if its not that I can't use it. Every time I attended it was like church to me .Do I seem like I'm currying favor with someone? I don't require that you like me or love me for you to give me pleasure and generally be a joyful person I know of in the world.I do require that you be happy and joyful to the extent that I can reasonably.The best arrangement is always the one with the least trouble and a woman I know hipped me to the idea of using what you need and leaving the rest.In fact I'm better at it than her and she was doing it when I was in high school.This isn't that she isn't all the way there but she acts on the orders of fight or flight thinking too much and she throws the baby out with the bath water needlessly I think but its non of my business.She is very astute and I think she would agree with me that one ought to have the best possible feelings in the best possible way.I believe everything happens for a reason but not reasons to be known.I have to go through all that to get free.I have to make believe I believe if necessary to make sure I know the territory enough to feel confident I have arrived at the best response and attitude.That way I am satisfied because I know what I do not want.Certainly if I do not feel peaceful generally something is wrong and I do not consider money trouble to be real trouble because its not a problem if you can solve it with money and a terrible one if you can't with the exception of circumstances that are life threatening.The more preferences one has the weaker you will be and become.Since I am who I am and was raised by who and how I was I have an unusual sympathy in regards someone in that situation and I will not stop.I have to be unencumbered by any reason to live out this sympathy.If someone does something extraordinary in ANY way expect extraordinary things to happen around you and to those involved.I want to know why someone wouldn't be pleased with knowing how much they are appreciated for their destiny.Once one involves oneself or invests an amount of energy towards something it becomes part of their destiny by my reckoning.I had this notion once that someone was tweeting a message to me that said ........"I've had perfection and I have hated you for a year and I still can't stop...............". I recognized that someone was in deep trouble when they started referring to perfection that way because its very painful to be that judgmental and that offensive towards another even if as is the case here, I wasn't offended as much as informed that I wouldn't be understood.That was a good thing to accept don't you think?I realized whatever that person said to me would have little to do with me and a lot to do with them.One thing no man hears another man say is " oh , did she break your heart? I'll join you in getting her back".When I told Castrina this she said " really? they don't?" . She thought that was normal for men and woman both.No... men are cold that way and all we would do is go after her for ourselves generally.Besides who would do that to a woman they felt kind towards? What I know is that some issues people go through are sure to find resolution by the person themselves and that no one needs to be an idol of any kind for anyone in a relationship.One can share certainly and we all have our areas where we know more and where we know less.No authority whatsoever.No anger at all.Whats wrong with that? Graciousness is always best along with finding and living the good out of the bad? How about no anticipation? How about just plain natural and easy ......if it ain't, so what? and if it is then hopefully you take what you need and plant good seeds with those you come in contact with and through your actions because those seeds , although planted here and now will sprout in another place entirely and at another time .You can still be contrary without going berserk no?