floating right along..I'm having fun.

Its pure fun to keep up with the new music coming out.Mostly I'm getting a positive feeling about it and the personalities are precious.For a long time i tried to vlog but as uesual i couldn't get all the equipment to act right.I worked hard this week with some psycho things with my doctor and it wasn't that I forgot who I was but that I didn't want to give up escaping in to my head.(a traditional way i used all my life to avoid important matters in a practical daily life and to avoid dealing with certain social anxiety.I hate writing about this.Its much harder and longer to qualify oneself when writing.I have to accept people for how they are so I can go on to do some valuable work externally.Not much point in explaining this cuz it sounds lazy and lame but I can't overstate how happy I am .There is a strong sense of loss though and a trepidation of what will fill the empty space.I remain as I have always been on this blog prior to an exact moment that I wonetonly gave myself up to trauma.that was real dumb because from then on I wasn't myself.But now I'm very glad to have some control over how I communicate in writing and I erase my assnine posts before I post um.I wanted to do something with this blog and I still will but I can't quite escape the expressions that wre never going to make sense or help matters or be valuable.On the other hand one would not want to know about this if one truely does not seek so called validation.I spent some time with my heart and couldn't deny what is true for me.I'm very fearful at times for no reason which stymies things.thats so very done now i can be stymied or not at this point.If I were angry I would rail. I would cut and paste everything all along that was causing anguish including what I did.Sadly i am unable to do that.I am notably unable to do that out of malice.I can't even old on to malice except it seems that way when I write.I have always held a different idea about blogging.it was not all about one person but somehow i allowed one person to be a catalyst that set a defensive sort of aggressive tone.No one is blamed but me here.I live that way in most things because its solvable.I must have blamed this person a lot somehow and it looks like i must have been endlessly insulting.It seems stupid and pointless to explain what I thought I was doing on my blog about 5 years ago.Its funny to think it morphed like that.Its stokholm syndrom .sometimes in an effort to please I do the thing they want me to do to prove them right and offer an excuse(subconciously).So many valid statements could be made that would explain all this but not 4 me to say.I will learn joy in what for me is a tragic misunderstanding that I brought on myself and has caused a very bad medical relapse.Oddly I needed that though.I feel much better now and I will stay exactly as I was with the same sentiments but now I can be honest and therefore more considerate.I don't do well bargaining with myself over what I think I'm supposed to say.All this personal shit and now we know i'm a bore.Life has ups and downs and I know this.What a wrong time in my life to present myself in any way but I learned that patience is its own reward and that its so wrong to want someone to like you and wrong to be mad at people who don't like me.I feel liberated by my inability to put anyone down in this situation.I found the golden mean.....I neither push for or close down against.It husts to feel two strong feelings in opposition but wanting harmony at any cost is obviously important to me.i had always known the types of behavior some people act out.i felt i understood it and still do and was gald to be mostly open to calm down and wlkin there shous.i had vever intimated these tings because true love would never seek to hurt you.I do not think you would want me morethan thehuncheback of notre dame but ifeel something deeply sacred that won't all oe me to plat double standard any moe with being easily and effortlessly droundes without thinking i'm better then them.i am learry of myself like that.i hope someday you wll beleive that ididnb't seek what you think i did.U know with the best that we all can let it out vile whenpushed to a pint.I carve these words in my hrat.Leaving yourlife to your osmologiacak workings......I feel the devine in you friend.I will one day be the way when I was making it with the better half of s.f.one of the intrnse areas i had to seiously change uo somethings to get others I wanted to stay the same.That made me a milk toast.Lots of stranfeextraneous things appe to couples etc.my plan was to leave for a 6 month break inaugust.Agoo healthy notion of hiding fom pressurixed ways of thinking.I love.my brain is brooken today obvious right!!!