typical

yea .... and i gotta do it lickity.........you know what? that sux....when you know someone could care less what you said about there birthday cuz they won't ever know how or why you cared.and they think the worst of you carved in stone.......not that it sux like as if i could change that but..............just dissmissed outright........feel free to smack me if your someone who could c me doin that sometime.I know its supposed to be that way.....just that i'm like ....like i actually feel like my two bit sentiment means something..........or is as equal too someone else.The song title made up for lots and said it all i thought.....golly gosh wang bang gee wally gosh darn gee wiz...... i'd get ostricized by ......for writting something double entendre like that. and of course thats the joke isn't it.But i reckon a monolith sometimes......no chank in the armor of the holly writ proving i am lucifer's evil twin sister.yea .... after a time people start to care....not all but it happens and LOVE is a combination of four letters.Maybe sometimes the significance people have with each other brings big joy and love has nothing to do with it PER SE'.I betcha if i did hold it so....... i couldn't cuz i'd be all commited to someone special in my life.... even though i am all slut.......doesn't mean i act on it.a monumentally honest act on daisy's part to call a song that......ok so me and daisy might not get along heck what i know its just so?...daisy may or may not of meant to have that outcome........sure did laugh at my face when i overstepped and did that ...........forget all this i just wanted to write it.I have loyalty to some people who gave up on me correctly a long time ago........i guess just that they admit they considered it for a moment and i feel indebted.I hate being complemented but i realize i need it and i need to be all gracious and honest about how much i don't want to hear that........sometimes people mean it and i reckon they deserve my thanks.i'm glad you all are present on earth.period.whatever .....some people are worth the effort to overcome my perception of my hurt or wanting to blame...........nice place to help me git to........so i just wanted to say..http://youtu.be/UnQ1Jk7Vl0M

Antithetical

ONE HEART something that is antithetical allows the world to spin.True love Absolute ... can not have sex.....you can not "do " sex with spirit.Its beyond something that does not last.They say that two is better than one but not when there is three.thank you universe. This song is just so beautifull and clear and very thought provoking.I wonder if Steve Miller was born in the Catholic faith.Someone told me they thought was Familiar to their catholic upbringing.Its one of his best songs and I never even found it before.Its very interesting extremely so.An almost impossible reality to sing in a song but he does it so profoundly well that any lover of song......and I mean a true lover of song like some ....ya get it,
.................an emo lover of song like me........would be moved by the experience so much so that its almost traumatic.I love the song that much and its just like this other tune I like in my mind in a strange way.If the change is going to come by the band Sophia is a song that I find uplifting and spiritual...............mostly this reflects the time and place I became a rocker............negative could be positive and vice versa.I still feel that way but I assumed all rockers would take that song from that bassic understanding.its a simple song about emotions and activity.Thats different......It never figured to me someone could not take it lightly even though its about death.....or life.two cool songs actually.Thats why I play music at all .Because I learn weired things about points of view while my sense of music gets turned on.......all kinds of emotions get excorcised yup.Any way....what a way to c the same thing when hearing the mirror opposite ........that was a cool heavy experience 4 me I love rock and roll

i am about to.....

today i get my pdf'thsssss from my old laptop including a ten volume set of exhaustive study on the monarch system which i don't read.And several crazy things i can't make heads or tales over exactly.I have no on line access anymore where i rest these days.I wanted to do things politely and orderly with anything regarding you but i know its not possible i will always step on your toes evident ally even when i forgo almost all on line connections in my life.Since you know me as well as you do youclearly know precisely and exactly what and how to engage me on the computer in a constructive positive and personal level.I am al ways the loser because i do not play games with hearts at least as soon as i realize the mistakes i made.I don't c what google buzz is i have been limited going on line of late i had two minutes a few days ago and google buzz se 14 buzzez and today none. I wish i new it more and all i care about is one thing.I know the type of consistency you have applied to me and i know that is not the complete you. i thought you were expressing your disdain that way. my dream? what is most important to me outside the big ones is all you all the time even scrawl its called human connection its fun and heart warming and i could learn a lot doing something positive like that..........................................i so wish for a real connection and so much do not want people forced and cajoled so iu strugle with mixed feelings try not to to conclude keep un open mind.It will abate naturally or it wil not abate Naturally;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;I wish you could read my mind.I think and i know i could be wrong but you have been honest in your expressions and i did not see it, Am i write? you would be rather a saint to releive me of this ocd nightmare my mind conjurz would you consider simpy helping me clear my mind and heart for the benifit of all sentient beings? i wish you had esp

The Cramps - Psychotic reaction

True punk blues or rather shows thes influence on punk players.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. awaited 4 som..I was starting to have one just prior.....................

I had to

erase that because it makes no sense.

TELL THEM YOUR PRACTICING RE.......how to avoid a ticket for quitely playing your musical instrument in NYC

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/30/central-park-musicians_n_868732.html For those of us who like to play our musical instruments in public places at a respectful volume........ The parks dept and police who are authorized to hand out infractions to individuals for playing their musical instruments in public have been doing so for at least seven years with no rhyme or reason as to when.When they tell me there is a law against performing and that they have to ticket me I say " I am not performing but practicing".This seems to be a legitimate point when made calmly seems to make sense to the officers of the peace. Please share this with any local musicians you may know who get hassled this way.

 

A brief note

That was very original music and showed the strong character of the vocalist who is very one of a kind.Its very smart 4 a lot of reasons but it sounds fuckin so good .......that makes me happy . I just wanted to write that cuz it moved me to

 

more greeting like i think

 

this is my way of saying hello to whomever czzzz it.

r.i.p NLI 1933-2011

ONE HEART

Dirty Fork

Happy Easter........the cherry blossoms are perfect now

And I had a yen to write about the painter malevich too

He started " Minimalism ".I just need to be reminded sometimes.....I actually am aware of those things at google.I hate to admit that I let go of acumen sometimes for no good reason other than an easy assumption that I'm too vampire crazy, lazy or both.I rarely have any reason to make a simple change which would make people more comfortable.I can change all that but still its is kind of evil of meI've decided to have a reason though and its gratifying that someone caught me in the act and corrected me.I was up most all last night and went out to dance a la lots of room and wearing some probably terrible funky clothes.It was so so sweet and I felt like I want to spend the next two seasons dancing.I would think you know I have a stinky attitude because rambling on wasn't permitted in my family or school for that matter.Its not like I wasn't raised to contain myself naturally and handle all with natural correctness and flexibility.I danced tonight and I can't share it with anyone around me.....they don't understand that kind of magic but they understand different ones.Please understand I do not mean this as self congratulatory......but I danced really well and I'll take tonight anytime to demonstrate where I'm at dancing.It was sooo ffffin fun.......the dj fucked with the deck and kinda had my rhythmic movements become part of his rhythmical performance.I love dancing my ass off too much.

Peeking through the veil....

The times I spend alone when I get up at 5 am are notably conducive towards balance .Certainly the silence of the pre dawn is a deafening roar only to some.I always thought it was the best time for any yogic practice etc.The best way to say it is that the veil is thin.The veil between me being here separate from the other creates an illusion of their presence.I think of someone and I feel as though at this time of day my feelings about them are authentic and unclouded.I use this time to take some time to enjoy this strange solitude.

The sacred night

By some mysterious hand my fingers and brain have played a duet with the cacophonous clank of the sunday breeze in my mind;And,therefore I have witnessed myself write another song I am very happy to share.Sometimes it feels like songs write themselves.It's a much better way to say what I'm experiencing.So I'm go-in to do that but I have not felt this effusive and galloping in the channels where thought and emotion commingle.I long for the song to convey the essence of myself............

Because you c.....

The message that drove home round all the bases of my heart was how much someone could be themselves and have fun. The Dead were all about that. This confused me a little because being myself was a lot more than wearing a black bvd with a pocket.To hear my voice calling me from a distance in a divinely idealized form is an ecstatic experience.I needed to hear a call to be myself completely.and actually the words I wrote about behavior change apply to actualizing self expression just as much as travel etc.I am living art every moment of my life right now.I am standing on the back of a charging wild tiger springing in leaps across the river.The tiger sometimes likes my spirit,sometimes the tigar wants to bite me cuz.......well tiger's do that,the tiger doesn't need to care if I fall off while I have NO CHOICE BUT TO HOLD ON SOMEHOW.I could also thoughtlessly fuck up and piss off the tiger which makes the naturalness necessary to succeed more difficult.Success at just not falling off is the metaphor.That means believing in yourself every day.I wonder if another person can c parts of themselves that they want to express but have trouble because of the type of confusion I had with being those parts of myself with other parts that took me away from the pure expression.I think I have figured it out and also how to get back to it without feeling your putting tooth paste back in the tube.............................................

fulcrum's of change. and what uck fupped me

Moments of realization that maintain a balance in my life.that means accepting those things that make one out of balance in some way.The Lament of the Libra is that things can never be balanced enough which sometimes means visits to the extreme places even where angeles and demons fear to tread. Bob Dylan once related how Buddy Holly Changed his life. His family knew "ticket brokers" in Milwaukee so he had front row. Dylan says that Buddy Holly Looked right down at him and he was never the same. The years I went to the Dead shows are not the years most people attended.I rarely meet people who saw shows those years and there was no camp following.We would go to every show within around 500 miles and drive home. Those years saw the demise of something unique. The effects of dope became painfully obvious. Not at first though. When it was time to play the "space " section Of the song there was no fancy equipment. That meant jerry and phil had to work hard by coming up with impromptu musical interludes. There was no long Mickey bit. Just a 10 minute solo and jerry had to get back to playing his guitar hopefully with all his chops at hand. Two times my life was changed forever because of jerry and the dead. One was seeing them play Dark star and St stephen live at nassau colosseum ,Played with conventional instrumentation.... and the other was accidentally being first row while the full overhead lights were on at the garden (for security reasons)and having jerry go out of his way ,shaking his head at me to let me know he dug how happy and tuned in I was.This show has an obscure but notorious history mentioned in Band histories. Ironically he was singing " don't murder me" while all this was going on.I'm sure I learned all the wrong things from this experience but not so. Not even close.Me here now is my testament. Especially in the middle of my spring cleaning roundup. There is a time and a place for everything but weakness in determining the personal level of correctness in that action IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Any musician working two hundred nights a year is a plain MOTHER FUCKER to me.At another time in my life I suspect it would have killed me. That because I wouldn't have been able to differentiate myself from the job and the importance of it on many levels. Jerry was weak and so was Hunter S Thompson. Hunter swore to blow himself up in a rocket ship and instead acted despicably by hurting his Grandchild and son I assume because he didn't want to face himself honestly. When Jerry was pulling in millions Mountain girl was living with there kids on welfare in Oregon. I'm sorry that's weak no matter how great they play. The responsibility of there place could have been much better served.In That area I see an improvement today. Many on a similar level seem to understand this and are fulfilling their functions beautifully.I am an atlanticist with my cultural sentiments more closely allied with the continental.I watch the world through the lens of one who believes that Neo Federalism is inevitable.We all can work on what that neo Federalism will look like. Simply put the human world can only continue in converging on so many levels of our existence on this planet together.It can go smoothly or it can be effed up.Since I like the smooth Idea I look to things that can assist this. Film and Music are certainly important here.This is part of a longer bit so call this the first bit.........

and furthermore....Lady Ga Ga country roads version of Born This Way

It is a daoist goal to recognize the way in other people free and unencumbered by any form of the teaching.and regrding My post of the Lady Ga Ga country roads rendition of Born this way.I can hear the sitar in there ......but thats just me.I hear an Indian Kirtan actually and Oh...... The whole thing rings my Kundallinni bell righteously hard.I can hear some influence from the sitar it seems to me and I love that combo.The harmonica acts like a harmonium.The avett bros pop um off with raga flavor and I find a lot of raga flavor here.Thats been a highly praised combo when I jam with people out west up in the mountains but even amongst the hillbillies jamming out doors we would tune the bottom E to D and have several big jimbe's and a didjeree doo that is tuned to d.Musicians who are successful on stage at the benchmark level of playing as often as the Grateful dead succeeded in filling a hall do so because they take chances.If they were not doing that then they would not be succeeding as they consistently have. People all love righteous music almost,and music brings people together in all sorts of ways.I think Lady Ga Ga is a big improvement on the grateful dead in a lot of ways but of course who would make silly comparisons? Certainly not me.Maybe for some twisted effect.....But I won't explain what I meant by that even though in many ways its true.Interesting similarities though, but I mean that in a sense of cultural gestalt or something Jungian.As a Teenage Dead head in 1978 I was always proud to pay the ticket price and I imagine the same is just as true today.I'm sure some 17 year old is having just as much of a blast at her shows as I did and or would.

Gotta step out........

Scrivo queste parole come se per una famiglia sono stati composed.When un bambino è cresciuto privo di un senso di famiglia, trova la famiglia in tutti gli oggetti e tutte le associazioni umane di questa vita di una persona mondo.I doaist è grave. Gravi inclusione dell 'umorismo in vita è un requisito per la pace di un modo sincero di heart.The Dao è reale e così, come la sua chiarezza firma è nella sua semplicità oscuro ed evidente di questo insegnamento, il praticante del modo in cui appare spesso a che fare nulla e nulla lascia undone.He o lei non lo fa, ma diranno che è la via del cielo di agire thus.It è infatti un lavoro molto difficile vivere in uno stile doaist di occhi life.My vedere molti esempi di questo modo di cielo nella vita di orecchie people.My altro senta, e così anche il ritmo del mio battito cardiaco ruggisce in syncronisity con la natura del cuore people.My altro è per le molte persone di mente, come chi non si rendono conto quanto le loro vite rendere sensato vita e quanto desreve mio onore.

Lady Gaga - Born This Way (The Country Road Version)

Ya C , now that's exactly why I think so highly Of Lady Ga Ga.There is no substitute for living Musicianship and it speaks for itself beyond confines of any ideal.Beautiful inspiration.

Queen- Brighton Rock

I do wonder..............This is an early example of analogue delay effect.I don't know the lineage of the effect but I can't think of many better live recordings of its use with guitar.This is some awesome stuff with other parts.This is very special music in every way.

Revision

I confess that I am responsible for the following but I have to inform whomever that in the history of stronza computer's that still work just enough to make one think that simple operations can be performed,this computer is the great champion.The penultimate heaven of frustration......The mount Olympus of mechanical vampirism. It is Shiva doing the final dance eternally thumping out the beat with the violent toss of destructive bolts of fire.Wait a minute....I think that's a little extreme.... Most important though is the freedom I feel from experiencing the separation of inhuman ideals of wealth and power from authentic experience of another person or people in general.To find the place in myself that creates inhuman ideals and find peace behind it is a sweet reward beyond compare.I'm on a mission to move and that has to be number one in my life.It requires giving up all sorts of things.I have changed trains in Milan many times and drove through it but I never spent time there.I know my idea of changing my environment to force myself to re-activate many dormant parts of my integral self is a very good one and while I am sure that prolonged time in formal Sangha is part of that ,spending time immersed in Italian culture is what nature has decreed as best.The invitation came out of the blue.My friend is a very admirable person and it is an honor for me to sacrifice any aspect of my behavior that does not harmonize with the situation in order realize my dream.I feel its my duty to be my very best so that I do his kindness spiritual justice.I have always loved to wear Double breasted suits and Italian shoes but with a turtle neck mostly.An open shirt is ok but I'll scour the city for the right Italian knit shirt to wear.Then I can have some civility for a change which I love so much.I love Italian civility and frankly I would not hesitate in the slightest at whatever opportunity may present itself in the context of no particular expectation other than anything.So you can Imagine I have to change this and that to do that and this.I have to cut myself slack regarding some plans I had to utilize a learning process.This is for all kinds of personal reasons to do with my environment,Like...... Meanwhile I will go on doing what I can as it comes naturally.

Jefferson Airplane - Bless It's Pointed Little Head - 10 - Bear Melt Part 1

Oh.......I feel something coming over me

EUREKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have repeated myself often here for a lot of reasons.I always repeat something I think is worth doing so.Most of it is boring and some of it is just what my brain wiring dictates.I know that a person CAN NOT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ONES LIFE if you want to develop and grow as a human being and towards the common evolution of humanity.I often repeat that the sign of god,or nature or even a well oiled Newtonian universe is EFFICIENCY.I confess i was bafled by the alert post a few weeks ago.I was feeling woefully inept regarding interface with internet tools.Necessity is the mother of my finest self.A closely held belief in social awareness and action and in the correct way has been a frustration but I had faith it would become apparent and through some associations and the people committed in them.......................................So, it seems to me very brilliant to make these requests.You can know what people can produce.I am enthralled with learning and as it happens your choice in these things are perfect and easy to submit to.So I will happily do those things hopefully as required which is a happy feeling when it coincides with so many sides of my life.My idle hands are the Devil's vacation spot sometimes.I'm fixing this computer and reworking my writing skills to fit the nature of written ideas on the computer.The only writing I do well is letters pertaining to business ,their disputes and their need for understanding and cooperation.I was a militant vegetarian when I sold paper .I always got the vegetarian plate at the ultra consevativel PAPER BUSINESS dinners I attended.The people at the table would get jealous and then spend 15 minutes grilling me about vegetarianism.It occurs to me now you may well come across yves, if that was the one you meant.Sometimes associations make for interesting meetings of the minds.This is yves and also a little about his humor. we lived without the things people like with often often these days.He took the subway.In those years there were only a handful of star bankers.A very few.....Felix Rohatyn, Alex goldssmith .Operating the world bank and Imf was also a part of any financiers responsibilities on that level .He only took the concord and one day he had to go over for some emergency and when he got to the concord it was full.Because of whatever it was decided that someone had to get off.Any one> So he suggested Boy George.He is tone deaf for real though but he does keenly take interest in assuring music that creates stronger and more fair connections with races and nations.Other than that ....I get that saint Laurent thing.I thought you might mean the secret one.

But of all the things and next to nothing is...

Doing something you really love to do as a daily vocation.The very best examples of this are people who have been given the opportunity to find this on their own terms.Completely on their own terms.That means being free from many traditional ideas people have that they never questioned as to how they got them.I hate to preach to the converted including hating preaching period but why would it ever be wrong for people to spend their time wisely by using it apropriately.Change is not social stygmata and either is time.Who does not applaud the idea that at various points in life we each have to foccus carefully on what we can do to gratify ourselves and the world around us.Social action is no different.its common to find that men often do not focus their goals to the exclusion of other quick gratifications.Often a social reason but the inferiority a man may may feel could compel him to put romance first.I made that mistake many years ago but I think it was the right mistake,No reason to invent a crises because of it.So......as i was saying....the best of us take the time to do things they love consistently or at least go out to find it and know that whatever good they have will come to them at the right time and place without worry over "relationship".I do not think a very succesful career means a sacrifice in ones humanity but it requires prioritizing in a very emotionally concise way.If people put their pririties in order like this then perhaps there wouldn't be so many divorces.Relationship is not for helping your partner pretend something in their mind is real let alone should it be side tracking and keeping them from action.Demanding in any way???????????Only one person can be demanding in a relationship to a greater or lesser extent.I wish my love for what is exactly as it is and should be could be written by me but it sounds off.I do not have to explain myself but I have because It tells me alot about life and people.I am in love with exactitude you could say.If I love something and understand it I know I do when My heart stays constant and free from doubt regardless of changing relativw position.Time is observable and clarity emerges .Deep sincere love of about any form leeds one to to a deep inner love that would not ever feel unnatural about the flow and time of nature.It does not ask of others to do anything but be themselves including....however they involve themselves with you.

yucknid masdo yarnling kitsdeft hab ned flingtutle,mlickblad kler zing.

Sono quasi positivo sarei molto diverso se una lingua romanza era la mia lingua madre e che le lingue romanze vestito il mio temperamento e la preferenza nella mia espressione naturale di words.In una torsione bizzarra e psicologicamente a causa di un tipo di mimando due persone possono spesso che si annuncia nella biologia di vivere con un'altra persona .. io continuo imitare nel modo peggiore perché mi ha permesso infatuazioni infantile con la forma fisica e l'esperienza tattile di governare la mia vita per un tempo o meglio, si è chiarito a me nel tempo. ............. E 'possibile mi sento in questo modo sulle lingue romanze, perché mio nonno era un ebreo rumeno person.But non ho nessuna voglia di parlare o leggere l'ebraico o yidish in modo che non può essere.

Therefore......

I won't worry about how messed up that bit got because I feel very certain I'm understood with consideration.Which makes me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy, is that wanting validation.....to be happy with someone saying to me I understand you and leave it all up to them and be satisfied regardless of their chemistry with you or whatever? I am not sure but it I tend to give credit to god/nature particularly writing songs when it come out like the recent one.I would be shocked to find out something is different than what I thought.I think I'm seeing something so great and i'm confusing it with something else somehow.They are great and they don't need to hear me say it.I admit that there is a fallacy in the idea of opposites attracting but I have to decide what opposite is which sometimes means being very honest with myself and that has been the most important practice to me........writing these tentative posts here and being honest about how what I write compares to the truth I know privately so to speak. Off to jaunt in solitude..........

Oops....a section got left out for about a 4 sentences at the exact middle

Non riesco a scrivere di qualcosa di meno la libertà che si mettono me.It è la libertà dalla sacrifice.I sentire la libertà di una fiducia molto profonda in else.Trust qualcuno che mi permette di essere liberi di agitazione tanto causato da doubt.You diventare una persona medicinale quattro me perché i miei sentimenti e pensieri sono in linea con la migliore che io am.I non voglio avere ragione, non ho un'agenda diversa di vivere senza un senso di necessità di difesa e il mio istinto sono in miglioramento. Essere scartata da voi, non interessa this.Its meglio non essere attratti da persone che non mi piace e che non vuol dire odiarli in return.Its sani per la cura di me stesso e l'amore mi basta considerare non venga respinto personalmente e anche per allontanarsi da quella person.I avrebbe scritto molte volte su argomenti attinenti al danno incredibile e io assalto ha circa due anni ago.I non either.I fiducia così tanto che non mi interessa il negativo esperienza o l'esperienza di essere oggetto di un'altra persona di sé hate.The carattere difensivo di dire che la gente mi dice che spirito hanno bisogno compassion.If non riesco a mescolare le emozioni mi prendo la compassione che funziona sempre che non impegnarsi in comunicazione arrabbiato semplifica la vita come io go.I Sono consapevole della persona che si arrabbia, ma non essere sulla difensiva it.I non vuoi essere un cantautore, volevo solo scrivere una canzone per te, senza l'aggiunta di pensieri e sentimenti che sono passati e non hanno nulla a che fare wiAnche cambiamenti esterni che si verificano imprevisti e richiedono un sacco di fuoco e una attenzione è inclinato verso anche che influiscono. Scrivo questo per questo reason.By la scrittura e per qualcuno sono costretto a diventare più clear.In questo esempio per quanto riguarda una scossa sostenuta da una parte subconscia di me stesso che è così dominante che a volte ho una reazione tutto cuore che credo si si witnessed.This Tutto è cominciato nel tempo 1998-99.That che credo che siate coscienti di che anche se è puramente una supposizione e non un giudizio, mi spiego .,..... prima rispetto a quelle di anni fa ... . che era solo e semplicemente una serie più bizzarro e sventurato di confluenza effettivo di qualsiasi piano di esistenza chiunque può pensare of.Very modo pratico per spingere me stesso passato un sacco di paura, piuttosto che fuggire in una grotta in Tibet e provare e credo cambiato e capito qualcosa di più della person.I mai sentirsi ogni superiorità di un altro perché la gente è così brillante se si rispettano ciò che sono dentro di te, senza una serie di sentenze scomode e di emozioni spiacevoli come la paura. Capisco limiti dell'altra persona e quello che fanno non solo di vincere ma superano di gran lunga them.How potrebbe I. .... me ..... ralph mai tenere qualcosa contro qualcuno che lo fa con me.I punto ricordare che ha realizzato questo prima, ma ho usato per scrivere di lui usando l'esperienza per andare oltre e ho pensato che fosse uno spreco se non avessi vantaggio internamente in myself.Contentment comprensione è sempre il mio obiettivo. Briefly....it brings great peace to me to know contentment as available when I think about sacrificing part of myself in the experience of being in love.Its not an immature baby-like hope.Something is that or it isn't but the that is clear to me and that makes a world of difference.I desired to share things that are important to me by blogging and mostly because I realized I might write something clearly enough someone might also be in a position to hear it.Same goes with why I post music ultimately.In the same way I do not dislike my music because someone else feels that way.I think I only get mad when I have a doubt in my mind that I don't want to consider.This post must be quite off without the bit left out but I didn't want to waste what I had written.........bassically, if I am right than I can't be wrong because only contentment and I do mean beyond avarice and debauchery and foul language...................but including...............The actual puts me at ease whether they are real or not........the further place of being beyond petty self interest as a means to feel safe.........If what I feel is not real I no longer doubt that my thoughts and emotions have broken in to a deep place with in me that is liberating and that comes through the sacrifice of long cherished beliefs and ideas of controlling my life that don't work.I can't feel angry about it,there is no place for it and it has nothing to do with the people who pick it up...................

My flowz fuppkd up

That couldn't be right but I was simultaneously living the reality of it in front of me while writing.Its tricky to right about personal issues in relationships if you involve everything around you and within you with out discretion.I highly don't advise it.Still, I always thought I could stop being embarrassed all the time by facing it which just made it easier to accept and so I became more indiscreet, desultory and boring.All along I was considering a different narrative.I was so embarrassed by my anger and still feel embarrassed now .Weired things embarrass me and my song is all that.Its not an embarrassing song per say but its embarrassing to me. I wanted to split last autumn but it was a good thing I didn't because embarrassment is mostly the reason why.I knew I would be increasingly embarrassed until I turned in to a pretzel. A bad joke will always be that unfortunately no matter how one tries to learn from it or the experience or paint a rosy picture of life. I have almost nothing to write at the moment ...... finally .....with words like this............

100 PROOF PUDDING or Volkswagen jelly bean muesli cough drop

You could poor Bicardi all over cake and get a 100 proof rum pudding sort of.Rum is never liberating to me no matter how much cola and and the words Cuba lebere'(spell check) are put together.I definitely have an oral fixation this evening which writing could sooth.Bur frankly I can barely sit on how pissed off I am.The kind of pissed off that feels like you just went in your pants and your just sitting there with it because there's nothing you can do.I think I'm as good at that as I care to be at this point.......................................Throw fruit at me.Whenever I write something for real it will be a novel in the first person.I don't want to write about my life directly so there are many possibilities of completely changing time place and circumstances in to just about anything completely different.The worst effects of a relationship on ones life can be found in the language that's used in small matters.I think its overstated to judge people on that because its part of a complicated story of need ,filling need and how it plays out and makes life all messed up.I don't think judging someone because they snatch something is a rule to live by.Its easy to see how people will lie to themselves and lie to each other to keep a relationship going.It could also turn in to a nightmarish old age...........................Its often better to not like someone when you first meet them, I suspect, but that becomes complicated with sexual attraction(which can make it worth not not liking them if you find what you really don't like is coming mostly from oneself,you,people,them,us bla bla bla.I want to write the first book that puts sections in to one sentence that reads .........' Description,Fill in this part yourself' , or "description of the Himalayas.......please imagine.......'
`

................................

what someone says they wan't often means what they plan on pretending to look for because they don't want it and nothing is good enough.The one who expresses the opposite by word or action is often the one who is truly desirous.If something someone does causes an aversive reaction thats common in others I check it out to see why.often what people say bothers them about something has to do with themselves,nothing is more this way then intimacy and what people embrace.I found who deserves what I can give because they need it most and scream that out in what they do and what they say.Thats what I experience when I see them I won't waste what is dear to my nature and integral to who I am on someone who does not want it and I don't ever want to do it again.I chose to be with someone who would never accept what I can give on a real level for complicated reasons but they seem irrelevant to me now.When someone tells me something that is screaming that it does't want intimacy.............. I find its usually wanted ..... but only from someone who see's the need in them through the mask of protection to their full expression some of which looks very sexy when hidden................

Lock and re-Load

A good band name. 6 hours trying to upload on to bunk and corrupted software and at least 18 more to go.Good things come to those who wait but waiting is no guarantee.On the other hand waiting tends to clarify and makes a person's faith in another person strong.A sense that the whole picture is not clear to another and waiting for them to figure something out.It could be very disappointing but its worthwhile for somethings that are almost apparent in someone else because of rarity.I do not think something can be other than its nature no matter what thoughts or words are used.I can't pretend something is not true even when I try to talk myself in to it or try and find a rational by stoking mean or negative thoughts and words about someone else.I know that has happened and I know I have written things that I did not publish that were expressions like that.Its sort of funny ..........because I suspected very strongly that my anger was very confused and I made every attempt to sit on most of it.Lets say I wrote my anger out out and saved it to draft and it became a rejected post.No matter what it said its not the same as a posted expression.I think the one who is silent and does not let on what they are doing is likely to take things from where they are supposed to come from and not evidence to prove how horrible another person is.That allows me to have trust.In one case something pisses me off while in another way and from another it won't.I am more relieved by the minute because I c that I was being slow to realize what someone else realized much much faster than I could have thought.I was busy fooling myself by convincing myself that I felt differently than what should have been obvious to me.In fact I genuinely feel that what I am thinking about someone else is close to the reality of who they are in this case.That's very very little of course.....but the obvious barriers I look for subconsciously in others to protect myself from the love that I feel were superseded.I think writing a song was a good idea because a lot of what I am feeling comes out much better that way.I have finally found the vision that can carry me through whatever I do and wherever I go because it gives me a benchmark of sorts.Lots of aspects of my personality, likes and dislike have been taken over by the results of some bad choices I made and how I forgot myself as a result.It makes sense because I saw these things in someone else's personality and it pushed me to consider what I saw that I could relate to for myself.The desires I have can only be fulfilled by oneself because they concern what would be no matter what my life situation was.I feel like aliens are doing surgery on my ethereal bodies while I'm sleeping........I can barely contain my joy and I most likely ought to be crying...................I'm going with the joy and I confess I am protecting it so I can keep moving along this way.Its moving me and inspiring me and I feel unlike anything I have ever felt so I can't reject these feelings.I am sure of how I feel and I know I am not subconsciously choosing the obvious destructive scenario because of the feelings I'm not having and because I genuinely feel loyalty and inspiration for another person in a way that is free from their actions.I know this could not happen again because its completely the real thing to me.I do not think I will ever have to explain myself again because what I'm thinking is known already.I won't feel like this again and I do not think its possible.My nature and the essence of it are owned by another person for all intents and purposes. I have outright put every egg in one basket forever because its so odd and so impossible that Its worth the risk of resting on my perception of another.I am sure about my feelings in that they are not about scenarios and situations with someone else but the fact of who they are which remains mysterious at the same time.I am completely beyond avoiding pain for this.Nothing works at all.It sort of turns me on to know someone has so much power over me and I feel sexy about it like I'm playing out a scene.I won't avoid their rejection of me but I want to keep going until I upload my song at least !!!!!.The song says a lot of things I can't seem to communicate well in any other way...........................I in fact have faith in god or nature as expressed through another in this case so they can not be wrong in what they do but I could also be an atheist and feel the same way.God and nature do not have to be there but since I believe something moves my life thats somehow beyond normal understanding I feel more honest admitting it regardless of ho someone might think to use it against me or are sure its childish.

hardcastle laundry blender streetlamp

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm living to record this song in the next few days.I changed my name also.Its now AHAB because I am not going to not do it.I think it would be a good thing if all people in a relationship bla bla were fulfilled by the experience so that neither ever felt that a chemical could do more than their mate.I have been angry about that aspect of pharmies from the psychiatrist or anything that person places as beyond a given "us".Its the need,the sense of lack that makes me angry.I don't care anymore what this feeling is or where it comes from but 4 meee I'm sure a quote unquote genuinely comfortable loving relationship is ordered with each other as the first place to go ,quite naturally.Could there be anything better? Is that too good to be true or has that become de-emphasized in our culture at the level of how we make love to one another.I think I want to try my hand at writing pornographic rock and roll a little more pornographic than previously.I am sure I could write great Gay pornographic rock and roll.It would probably Backfire.............

something about psychotherapy and..........

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200806/secrets-psychotherapy-part-4-change-or-acceptance Secrets of Psychotherapy (Part 4) : Change or Acceptance?
What is the ultimate goal of psychotherapy?
Published on June 26, 2008 Let's start with a simple word association experiment: When you think about psychotherapy, what is the first word that comes to mind to describe what therapy is all about? Take a few seconds. Got it? For many of you, my guess is that one, if not the very first, of those words was change. But what if I were to tell you that psychotherapy is really at least as much about acceptance as change?

When Sigmund Freud made the oft-cited and misunderstood statement that the purpose of psychoanalysis is to "transform neurotic misery into common unhappiness," he was speaking of change. But how is even such seemingly modest change accomplished in therapy? So much of the changes that happen in psychotherapy parallel a gradual process of acceptance: acceptance of life as it truly is, as opposed to the way we wish it to be. Acceptance of past childhood trauma and its pervasive unconscious influence in the present. Acceptance of ourselves for who we are, rather than who we are not. Freud's off-the-cuff comment may seem cynical. But when seen in the light of his own personal suffering from oral cancer during the final fifteen years of his life, and how he stoically faced that terrible fate, it is a mature and sober commentary on the absolute necessity of acceptance. Rather than reflecting his profound pessimism about the human condition, as many mistakenly conclude, Freud's remark recognizes deeply and personally the need for courageous acceptance of physical and emotional suffering, and the high price we pay for trying to avoid or deny life's tragic aspect.

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The concept of acceptance is especially prominent in Eastern philosophy and religion, as well as in Christianity and other great religious systems. Nowhere, for example, in religious literature is this spiritual principle of accepting life's suffering more dramatically, movingly and elegantly depicted than in the archetypal image of the Crucifixion. Acceptance is key to spiritual enlightenment, as illustrated repeatedly in timeless texts like the Old Testament's Book of Job, the Hindu Bhagavad Gita, the noble teachings of Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha), and the Tao Te Ching. But even Buddhists, Hindus, Taoists and other spiritual seekers sometimes lose sight of the primacy of acceptance. Consider this complaint of one frustrated Buddhist meditation practitioner: "I've been meditating for thirty years--and I'm still angry!" He seeks to eradicate rather than accept his anger--and this is precisely what needs to change.

Drawing implicitly from these wisdom teachings of the East, clinical psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan (University of Washington) incorporates this paradox or "dialectic" of change vs. acceptance in her increasingly popular Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT is a highly-structured form of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with a distinctive spiritual or philosophical component. Specializing in the treatment of borderline personality disorder, Linehan recognizes the need in working with these challenging patients for teaching what she refers to as "radical acceptance"-- right alongside the necessity to change their distorted cognitions and self-destructive behavior. "Radical acceptance" is the tolerant embracing of how and who one is ............go to web site to continue.................. Practicing something means working on it and I realized how much I decided to do the opposite of making what's in front of me pre-eminent, in a manner of speaking.It took me so long to accept a lot of things in front of me chiefly.Forget the brain.............just to accept that my partner is how she is got so drawn out and involved.I have to spend a lot of time alone for a while whatever that means.That's imperative if I want to live because adapting and accepting has bent me all out of shape.I have let people walk all over me at times but I learned a lot more about people that I did not and would not accept previously.In the past few years I thought I could handle the obstructions better emotionally.I never foresaw living in my partner's isolated fashion and I have always intended on spending most of my time being involved with helping people in some way that is balanced sincere and useful.In a city where the choices are limitless I found myself paralyzed by what was around me in a strange way.It seems so unimportant.I could not address a lot of things on this blog that I ought to have but I pushed myself to try and understand a wider picture.I like sympathetic people but not sympathy for its own sake.I could not describe some things in my life because its better to avoid causing sympathy from other people.Its easy to be misunderstood in the process of explaining things.Sometimes I thought it would be good to write about what was happening in my life but I wasn't sure what that was.I mean, I actually thought I should share what was going on which would be impossible.Because someone caught my attention in a way that made it worthwhile for me to do so, I cut off my attention to negative feelings about issues I had.It is interesting to me that Subjective Validation was brought up in the middle of what was happening but this bit about Picasso might explain a little bit about the mixed feelings I had.We used to like to read Andre' Breton, Annals Nin and the surrealists.Picasso was amongst this crowed and they all took a large house together in the country one summer.The wife or lover of one of the famous painters was also a painter but she had unusual brain wiring and I guess she was peculiar.Perhaps she annoyed Picasso but one day when she went shooing Picasso and the woman's husband decided to hurt her irreparably which they did.Every day when she went out they would perfectly alter her paintings.Soon she went crazy and gave up painting for life.They didn't tell her and had no thought about the repercussions for her.After reading that I have been prejudiced against him while his last self portraits are easier to understand considering this.I understood the difference but I knew I had to overcome my fear of rejection and I was glad to have the chance.I was seriously perturbed by it also.I am gratified now because of it.Its clear to me that people do things and do not realize the effects they have on each other.And I couldn't see the kindness and care that was also there.I have to believe that that was true for the sake of living and sanity.I can't accept that someone could not be the general and distant way I perceive them and be that particular individual.That has become very important to me because I don't want to die thinking otherwise about them because the experience was very significant.So I protect my feelings so I can continue to grow with the situation without having false ideas and emotions about something I'm not sure of.I can take this good will with me wherever I go in the world and I also can't help feeling the fallacy of negative thoughts in the face of my perception of this person.Wherever I can sea a type of subjective perception of a natural perfection of self in another I have to opt towards giving them the benefit of any doubt.I can see myself such that I can understand my mis-perceptions through the being of another.....

But a Nuclear Meltdown will directly affect us all

That's the worst News.....flooding Nuclear reactors with sea water is a bad sign.People have to volunteer to die in order to contain these things if Chernobyl is an example.It was just like this.....They did not release any info until the satellites spoted the explosion but this looks like a melt down if sea water is being pumped in to use as coolant! Its impossible not to grieve with them at this point.

Rhinoceroses

I feel certain that rhinoceroses watch msnbc in the early morning and the oldest rhino of them all in political odds making, pat Buchanan, makes it useful among other potential reasons.I was gratified in the midst of watching japan and feeling concerned to hear Pat call Curtis Le may a Holocaust criminal, which he was based on the decision to fire bomb Tokyo as he made and carried out.I wonder who I would have been If I had never known about it.It was a shameful event and it seems to me the United States and Japan are intertwined because of it.There is a movie on sundance this morning that seems to take place in the area where the quake hit and you can see how beautiful it was.A very good current Japanese film made in 2009 about contemporary life in Japan called " still Waking ".I got teary eyed at the very end when they walk down the hill and I did not feel manipulated in to doing so.Its a good example of a simple film with a simple location and design working well through good film writing.I get the feeling this film shows that part of japan that was destroyed yesterday at any rate and, like Katrina, whats gone will not be seen again like that.The carefully pruned flora is gone and that's a lot. Especially from what I recall of the charm of New Orleans.I tried to explain to friends that if they had not been to New Orleans they never will but unlike me they did not know what they would now miss.Many years of art washed away.I'm sure parts still have the trees and bushes and all the excellent knick nacky things the people put about their houses but I'm sure its terribly changed.

Coughing it up continued

Realizing people are animals is one of my favorite things.I first bought plants then graduated to a cat then it was on to humans and what have you.I feel like a perfect chimpanzee most of the time.Its hard for a chimp in new york.I know I have a twin in this world from my viewpoint but that's between me and a silent yet potently portending universe.I truly believe in the correctness of sincerity and attention to detail that is an emblem of someone's love, evidently, but in a way that might not be apparent.I don't believe some things in this world can happen any way but the best way.The truth doesn't nag a person in general or cause them confusion so freedom of action becomes imperiled.Freedom to live life with out doubt and to do the simple things in front of oneself as if they were the most important thing in the world.I have loved many dour faced angry people in my life because they very loving and truly sincere in their inimitable way.They were never only dour and angry it seemed to me.............I'm digressing from my digression.I'm always amazed how people who have completely different lives arrive at the same places.Its very normal for me to admire parts of myself that come out much better in others.I do not feel decreased.My arms cry out to embrace the one that seems to need it most?That always consumed and superseded much in my life.A good thing about esoteric study is that if it has or had any value it conforms itself to your lifestyle in an available way.I had not realized the extent of seeing oneself in another as " better " is overwhelming.Its similar to the accident of very similar mentalities as a result of shocks and trauma but its not.The later can cause people not to be able to stand in the room with someone else.In this case its more like seeing who you are if you didn't go through experiences in your life that changed your destiny like that.Its not truly like that because what I see is actually nothing to do with happenstance at all` or the vicissitudes of life.I see myself so hard that it melts my heart in an incredible way while the whole picture causes a predictable response I guess.I have not ever imagined that my mind,emotions,psychology and Body would exist in accord and that's independent from desiring someone to be and act and speak as I wish them to.I think the subject of how people relate and feel about each other is a sloppy one.That's life....that's art.........Out of the slop come the very best flowers around the world over.Lotus flowers come to mind in India........................................................

............its all about whats in your head it seems to me..........

The emphasis means to be on self honesty not about things in ones head being real.And timing is everything.When I first became involved with my partner I was briefly going to a very loud mouthed aged psychiatrist who was nuts.When I told him about our relationship and what I liked about it he said , almost loudly hissing......" Stay away from her , she's a hysterical bitch who's using you as a human dildo".....................The reaction of most psychiatrists especially above a certain age is always laughter then they say " oh god" as they put their head in their hands.It sounded very good to me at the time and confirmed my decision.We never lived together until 2001 and still spent lots of time apart but I could never escape the truth about whatever condition I was in.Rather than accept it I would opt to imagine things.I started doing that a lot when I was 6 or 7.It truly goes away as you get older.but with that comes a responsibility to yourself as far as what thoughts and ideas one is focused on.The personality is like a mixing board and you mix down but never out those parts of your song that no longer serve you.And while I am very hot to trot with some people and I get BLUE thinking about making love to them and feeling wooden I have already been a human dildo.Similarities one finds in others is vital to you whether you like them or not.Comparing oneself to others never works while jealousy can be refocused as admiration.I wonder if what makes someone interesting is how it is that they can be similar yet arrive there on very different avenues.If only I did not feel it is disloyal to write much about my feelings towards my " partner".Suffice to say that it is undesirable to be very mad at someone and love them perpetually.Its beyond being right or arguing its just that I don't think good relationships in my mind should not be based on difficulty." Difficulty " makes being in love incredible though.Excuse me.......a creature needs tea...............and in keeping with the practice of addressing what is in front of me with the better part of myself,regardless of what my mind is thinking or what my heart is feeling but including them........

the world is safe from my song upload for now

I thought it would work....this happens to me every time with no exception ever in the history of (that's not true)................easily solved and for a good reason.I'm unlikely to become uninspired in doing it anyway until then......

I was sitting on the bus minding my own business when

Something came over me that was a beautiful feeling and I can't take credit for it other than to say I experienced it.....

.............................The Giant Leap Of Faith

True romantic love between two people has its own language which is unknown to either party.I think that's a condition that a person must achieve by themselves and there is no reverse engineering.I suspect biology takes over my being in a " man and super man " kind of way(george bernard shaw) whatever that means.I can no longer deny that to myself.The universe seems averse to me taking any other route and you could call me purchased now on account of this.Its a very nice feeling to write a song and find yourself humming it or hearing it in your head.My recording methods now are a digital video camera which records the sound well enough to separate it from the video with software you can download.Presently the camera I use has the most bunk sort of files and software in spite of my dumbness in learning how to use these things.I would not mention it but for the strange amount of hassle I have with these things seems almost supernatural.I am glad to learn not to freak out at everything and calmly find a solution.The universe and its method of me conquering a learning disability.Stupid phrase that one for sure but what do you call a child that gets held back almost two grades and had to go to a tutor 4 days a weak then barely graduated high school and got accepted to a college as look as I went to summer school.And I ATTENDED CLASSES IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats pretty dorky.You would think at least I was cutting classes and burning down the library.There are not enough kind words to express the amount of help the teachers gave me.Even the ones that were averse to me agreed on helping me for the most part.I gave them no reason to give me a hard time and I guess they did not want to see me for another year but they knew I did not belong there.Several insisted that I not go to college because I was too backwards or whatever ,while I didn't think graduating college was a good idea because non of the artists I liked at the time did, and I thought it was a better to get on with it.I had the worst social skills imaginable, and I was ' me' then also.Sometimes I pray for myself in the past.I think of myself in hopeless times in the past when my mentality was very negative in every way about situations I thought were hopeless and I pray for myself then.Its sort of a weired way to be a parent to oneself.Thats what it takes for me in life for a variety of reasons.The important thing is to make the changes everyday and in small ways.I can have bad social media skills and relearn social skills without freaking out but u c the point.The experience opens all the doors of a person's way of relating with one another.I had to put my trust in something much more than me to get over my instinctual reactive opinions and subsequent acting out of them.I could not hide from my response to the unusual things I c but I admit I'm love struck by the art of the formal in the way of things.Each formal moment in love is an eternity of bliss like nuzling ones face on another's chest.Oceanic and expansive with no barrier.A perfect duality and causality because the formal gives birth to it its opposite. Excellence demands excellence without assertion.You could say that excellence creates excellence in other people.Its inspiring and so is nature.I am in a state of awe and I love it.The awe is for the experience of what I'm feeling and how elemental it is.Gravity aligns so that imagining looking deeply in someones eyes defies it.I have not ever felt this correct in my life about the unity of my mind my body and my heart.I could never duplicate this feeling and I would not want to.

Happy Eyeballs!

Here at IPSOFACTOTUM we want the very happiest of eyeballs..............................The type of eyeballs with hearts and minds willing to be happy.One possible way of thinking is that through the auspice of a new world age of human communication you are one who has put themselves through it which means you have the privilege of being you.You get back what you put in and sometimes an arbitrary attitude is not best, or it seems to me now.Its not about good or bad or nice or mean etc. It can be but....... that's up to the individual.American people love to abuse a privilege and make no mistake if you think I don't know and feel this way from myself.In short.....and I know this sounds very ugly on the surface but human beings have to purchase their way in human life through Bizarre forms of natural bondage to each other.Relationship between people now encompasses all the things we are in a bigger way.I think its because of the so called atomic family model.All our history as much as we know human's lived in a tight family unit with all the relatives available to help.Now we expect that individual people fill those rolls at different times.Its hard to do that without suffering some time.New ways for people to communicate such as it is on line means means above all, new.Its unknown.The data on this is always hot off the press and I don't think its abnormal for some people to feel they have a ringside seat to Human Evolution while they take turns being in it.Nothing wrong with that.Fine lines are fine and deadlines are deadly which is really stupid but sums up my attitude kind of.Why this should be so I am sure I don't know but most nod agreeably that in life one gets accused of one thing when one was really doing another thing they are loath to confess.And I wont say one if I can help it as a challenge.......... its very obnoxious is it not?This is my only chance to be obnoxious in a grand style..........But those days of obnoxiousnessness are over 4 me...accept 4 specialty Tailored for amusement ..........If you created something through your involvement with something or someone that defies category but exists of its own volition and accord it exists no matter what I might think to the contrary.I realize that's vague but I am really beginning to believe in the unknown in a new way.All of this can be written about but are very near to being intimate with a stranger.That can not be bad in and of itself on any level.Its bad if you think someone is kissing your ass for any reason because A.......how could you know the uncomfortable ones from the manipulating ones and B people are aversive to it so it sucks.Via time, anything is possible on a fundamental level given the right recipe.What things are and are not are very obvious no matter how much humans can pretend to themselves which works in any direction.Nature can grab hold of ones life..............but ......faith is faith............not a mental gymnasium but not one if necessary. The heart of sincere people is also known through silence which I do well to remember.`

The Berlin wall

This computer is forever messed up.My experience is it just keeps going back to the same problems over and over so I work with its limitation.Its annoying to write things for a few hors and lose them but this is normal.I made a video recording of a song I wrote in 1995 and I never wanted to share it.I in fact specifically did not want to because of its meaning to me.Expressing oneself through any lyrical music composition trumps my wayward and haphazard manner regarding personal feelings expressed extemporaneously at this blog.I know... you should say Duh to me but I won't rush the action of writing a song which is why its a better choice for me.There is a reason why that happened though.I can't do what I thought I could with writing because my mind fly's off ,I don't finish my thoughts in writing and I often never get to the point at all ................P.s To whom it may concern Almost perfect but I would never have said " I'll stop bothering you " for one thing, and unless you were on the another side of the phone when I made a general comment in to the ethos of the telephone..........and I took it back fast.............and I am special, I have never wished someone to be in a doctors office.I highly recommend a sort of Freudian therapy as carried out by psychiatrists today but Its kind of too late for me to commit to that many years .It takes 12 ti 18 years in many cases but if you start relatively young amazingly these folks seem to do well and maintain their inimitable individualism while being comfortable being quote unquote Normal.In fact if I went back to being twenty six that's one thing I would do.Not to feel normal but to be the normal me.I stopped thinking to much about any comments or the comments where the comments should not have been a long time ago.I sort of found ways to write about it 'as if ' all kinds of things were true about it.I allowed for a much wider space in my heart and mind but not for something in return in the manner ascribed to me.In fact I have noticed many accidental things attached to me on line that i thought others may have judged me for and that might upset me a lot but I can not disagree with them because that's what they see.I put my faith in people to either realize something different is the case or not.I insist on that happening naturally but the process of writing can get lost in having a reason.I also did not want to discourage someone from communicating like that because of the humor and good intention I thought was present somehow.On that level its fun and light.I don't know why I would write things about it like that and I think I mentioned something about " being understood" recently that is not even close to what I thought I was trying to communicate.So fuck it.I try to not to try and express myself as I am and know that's enough.Not wanting to express something that winds up being offensive is different than wanting to be liked.That's the only reason why I wrote that stuff about the word lady and ralphue may.I am real stupid sometimes but at those times I actually thought I could prove that I don't.Its even worse because most people basically do.That's pretty nuts......" Hey look.... I want you not to like me" Hooray. We each can have an innate sense of belonging in this world and its my desire to promote that .That doesn't mean life isn't life and it certainly does not mean I can't get sidetracked in a destructive way.I noticed and thought about much more than I felt comfortable writing.I am happy to say that I have not changed my overall positive feelings about humanity and I do not feel bothered when its done in good taste.This is confounding to try and make room for something strange and out of the ordinary and respect that in my manner and then find I can't tell what's even remotely happening.I didn't play along being confused by what appeared to be an un natural amount of fickleness as far as writing.It seemed like someone being simultaneously more than one person which makes me pause.Some of us are very diverse in our interesting personalities.I had one reason for writing this blog and it is not the reason I have foisted on myself that has constrained me for quite a while.True....I did something else even from the start, but that could never compete with the competitive person.I have had a few really rotten moments and many were unprovoked so I put up with some things because I thought it was only fair.I mean a longer time ago(6 years).One thing I like about competitive people is they do not like to win by taking unfair advantage generally.I think its part of their learning process to see the difference.I also think people who are sharply hot and cold and who are very expressive to be great people.I like them and do not want to suggest that I ever have stopped or that I did not laugh nervously when they yelled at me so to speak.Real things remain real to me by themselves and I don't know how or why.But I like it.I am done with this subject and life is free to live.......................do as you please but I confess to wishing the best things for (as far as I can Imagine) anyone in contact with me because I feel better when they do on account of my perspective which serves me on simultaneous levels including the one where I get angry.Enough of this..................on to uploading............I confess I feel compelled to relate something about Picasso regarding some things to do with all of this but at a later time.

a lttle snippit ofAsh Wednesday by T S Eliot

A brief bit at the start and then the link.....T.S. Eliot - Ash Wednesday
I

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessèd face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now
http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/tseliot/372

And this, the bit,coming before which it was previously incarnated.

On the off chance that someone knows Latin by studying it, I can still write this way.It translate back in to gobledy-guck.Then again it might make sense to one who knows......I'm not sure.I thought that whomever it was who responded to me in latin and in a mixed tongue must have a good sense of humor.Its easy for me to put on ideas as if they were a yogic assanna but one that is internal.That's what I learned about yoga: that the physical assana's match an internal one.So anyway I have played with myself regarding a host of strange things I saw on line.I did not mind certain intrusions based on a degree of light attitude being displayed.In fact it thrilled me.It also fit with my grand romantic notion of romancing a soul.Romancing a soul is void of sexual preference but I could describe a physical person also which is based on all kinds of complicated reasons .If I can assume a roll and feel the feelings I look to see how it affects me and often can learn .On line you are not supposed to take much stock in much of anything you read that is annonymous and if some one tries to be sincere and honest whatever they are trying to convey will be watered down by the bad apples not to mention oneself when confused.So much so that something that one originally meant to be light and pleasantly useful or thrilling gets watered down and altered by foreign influences in varieties of ways.I kind of never got there.It looks really stupid when I tried to supplicate them in some way because I thought it was fair.I'm no suicide but I take it very seriously in others.I thought I was trying to kill myself when I was eight years old but that is not suicidal.All that says is that I was a strange child.But I refuse to hurt someone So you see it would be impossible to communicate with anyone on that basis on line.I profess my love to two woman and castrina knows that about me.She knows I love the notion that nature would put two people together who would understand the deepest parts of each other automatically.It doesn't sound romantic but it causes a romantic heart to enliven life.I believe the process of union is a metaphor for union with the divine.For certain it could never be wrong.There would be no doubt about the other and I take back what I wrote a while back.You can be sure if you have authentic feelings for someone that turn you on it is a guarantee that your kisses will create a galactic firework's show.Now.....as near as I could tell ....someone wants to tell me how someone doesn't like me or something............Somethings are determinate and some not.Part of feeling well in life is taking a stern hand with oneself about anything obsessional based on indeterminate .....

Sister Liberation

n casu off aliquis scit quod notitia Latin possum scribere tamen retrorsum translate way.It ad guck.Then-gobledy iterum faceret secundum scienti ...... I'm non certus. quem putabam fore, qui respondit mihi Latina lingua in mixto oportet de bono facile patiar humor.Its imponere ideas quasi a assanna yogic at quae internal.That est quid didici Yoga de ut physici's assana one.So interna match usquam ego ipse de quo ludunt exercitu mira line.I Vidi quaedam animi non innititur intrusiones gradum lucis esse animum suspensum revera displayed.In componeret me.It mea magna romancing venereum a ratione animae soul.Romancing caret venere sed potius a scriberet et persona physica fundata complicated variis causis. supponemus si volumen sentiunt animum intendo quomodo me afficit saepe discitur. tu lineam non creditum stock multum demas aliquid multa legeris et annonymous est si quis voluerit sine simulatione quae honesta quaerunt erit transferre inebriabitur down a malo mala, nedum se cum eo ut confused.So aliquid quod primo intelligitur ut lux utilis aut iucunde iuvenale gets down rigavit mutata in peregrinis artibus genera quaedam non ways.I illuc . vere stultum Videtur conatus cum supplicare quia aliquo modo putavi fair.I 'm occidere sed non opinor, dolor in cogitatione others.I dabam me occidere cum octo annorum erat sed quod non est, quod ait suicidal.All me esse alienum nolo child.But quis noceat Vides ergo impossibile esset aliquem communicare in ea ratione profitentur line.I amores duo femina scit castrina de me amare me.She ratio det natura duo simul intelligere quis infima inter aures non automatically.It sed venereum venereum facit cor credo life.I vivífica processus unio translatione enim unionem quandam divine.For numquam potuit wrong.There fore quin de aliis et aufer quidquid autem scripsi back.You securus si quis affectus authentica conversis vobis est sponsio oscula creabit show.Now Galactic's firework quam proxime ..... possem dicere quis velit .... dic quomodo quis me non amat uel ...... ...... sunt determinata aliqua not.Part quidam de vita belle accipit manu acriter se super re aliqua fundatur obsessional sentire indeterminatum magicam things.To nexum positum vitae discrete patet quod determinatio quod prodest et obstruction.Just Mutter ut humilitas non sit ars, sed modum vitae.parts of each other automatically.It doesn't sound romantic but it causes a romantic heart to enliven life.I believe the process of union is a metaphor for union with the divine.For certain it could never be wrong.There would be no doubt about the other and I take back what I wrote a while back.You can be sure if you have authentic feelings for someone that turn you on it is a guarantee that your kisses will create a galactic firework's show.Now.....as near as I could tell ....someone wants to tell me how someone doesn't like me or something............Somethings are determinate and some not.Part of feeling well in life is taking a stern hand with oneself about anything obsessional based on indeterminate things.To feel a magical connection with life depends on discretion and clear determination of what is beneficial and what is causing confusion and obstruction.Just as humility is not a tactic but a way of life. THIS IS A BIT BEFORE THE SOFTWARE BLOWS SO i put the last bit in the original plus the next bit.Its funny to me anyway.I have relative freedom for five days and i feel like i'm getting furlough in all sorts of ways. Cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger occupies my mind.

It insists

It insists I want to rent someone and while that's funny it misses the point.I like it though because it could obscure the words in a cool way.

Mostly this............

I saw a human moment that matched something going on inside me in a beautiful way.That's a reasonable thing to write.What I want to write are things that transcend intelligence......and.......not in the usual inclination.Non tam facile putavi tamen suus etiam locus.Evidently.But it kicks back very funny things.

The corresponding Responsive Universe

My Universe is teaching me Humility.I am sure of it because it supersedes consideration of thoughts.I've decided Humility is the close cousin of Patience.I saw something which so much met my criteria for the ecstatic and the Divine(by my definition or lack thereof) that I am speechless.I am struck in the best of ways which is to be struck by the presence of someones soul in such a way that any mentality dissolves.Humility resides in my heart evidently and I can feel it.Thoughts are irrelevant in this.The liberation from after thoughts.This Humility is something that informs concepts of obedience in me.A different kind of obedience which is most like the Obedience of the father to the son or the husband to the wife.I realized all these things about Humility at any rate, to whatever extent it lends itself to do so.Its meditative and it shuts down the mind in favor of the heart in the absolutely most perfectly undeniable way.Learning by an example in this manner for me becomes extremely moving.I mark stuff " Divine" or by nature etc and a bunch of other ways when the evidence does not depend much on the preference or prejudice of the mind.I know its true humility because I don't want to write about it for one but mostly the experience of feeling very happy free from anything I would call doubtful.Freedom from expectation is freedom of doubt though expectation is a good thing.Si I have to stay with faith and not go looking which allows for events to unfold in the natural way.I really feel like I can not express this in words.I also feel like I've seen Divine perfection in an act because of how it relates to a lot of things in my life.It might not go over big saying God here but I believe efficiency in a positive way, can be called a sign of the Divine.I don't think I can be induced to write the wrong thing at this point but I feel more than un-usually protective of a clear heart.A very odd feeling ...............to feel so close to someone that you feel like you can smell them when you look at them....kind of like you are them for a minute or something.

Its Endemic

The endless ways to say something or not by the accident of an ill conceived plan or lack of one.I wrote several things about joy just previously and it stuck to me that whatever joy is it has nothing to do with some off-putting idea that you " get " (laughable already) something when someone takes something.As for the other context in which I spoke of joy I know that as a truth beyond people.Its coincidental that I used those words because I know that's a conclusion one will reach about those words.But I say those words do not come out of a hat.I sort of understand what John Lennon meant when he said that he based most of his songs on imagined scenario's.He said "I'm a loser" and " You've got to hide your love away" were his first songs about himself.I think I speak for others if I should say that many are impressed by the songs of the east that sing of romantic love and love of the divine simultaneously.The poems of Rumi and Kabir as well as Quali music are that way and if you like it its possible to experience something I can only describe as divine.Following the progression of thoughts and possibilities that stem from this as an idea sounds like a headache for a good reason. I started hearing very strange things in popular music,the experience having been one fit to be written as fiction.I think and feel that a well crafted song written along these lines proposed is often the winner.I will leave it to the reader to consider the songs they like as to whether its so.Nusrat ali kahn was all that all the time but I could recite many familiar names.For bizarre reasons I went cookoo seeing the Divine in everything which can become a pernicious psychosis with a small grain of truth in it, which causes a lot of suffering.At least that's how I felt and I was sure I didn't want to live that way.I had examples of people who did not choose to accept it or at least that's what I thought.It takes a longtime to reform oneself properly.First off is doing it or having it occur as authentically and naturally as possible.I like to think of pitfalls as friends because as long as I fall in to them this makes it less sinister.Also " Tests". " Your being tested........" ; Nonsense, because that makes no sense to me.That's all I can say.If I'm alone then so be it but I can't believe in some hocus pocus being running around consciously testing me. If one goes to a psychiatrist and says " I'm God and so are we all" they get tagged with " Magical thinking", but if you say " I'm Jesus and only I'm Jesus" eyebrows will certainly be raised.My dad made a brilliant comment on modern psychiatry which was that you will be called crazy if you tell them what your thinking or you will be paranoid if you don't.A smart man.http://www.indranet.com/spirit/claudio.html I havn't watched things with him on you tube but this dude has some incredible things to say in a thoughtful kind way.He has some sensible and original ideas about the workings of the mind-soul-body that are very plausible.Without getting in to it mostly because I haven't looked at it 4 so long,I will always recall what he had to say about the necessity of allowing parts of oneself to express themselves.He went so far as to say certain actions are necessary in getting these things expressed because the prognosis of those who don't in his experience was bad.That's a vague memory of mine and not the words of Naranjo but what he wrote was something to that effect.As I recall he seamed to indicate that some have to use extraordinary means to tap in to it and be uninhibited enough to express that side.The words I wrote in latin were not superficial to me and I have felt that way for many years.I write them almost as if they were to myself because they are coded to be personal and to the unknown principle.It doesn't come out of a hat and I have been writing it for many years in my solitude.Its simply a soul call.I furnish myself with the consideration of making love to a soul entirely.The less physical I can consider this the more EXCITED I become(quite literally) which I find conclusive.The love poems and songs I refer to previously suppose that god is wanted close but is, or was far away while the love generated by feelings for a woman can also be generated this way from a man or woman inclined towards loving along this romantic view which is a little wanton and I think a feminine point of view I have.I am transported by it and those words consoled my heart to write.I know they will never mean anything to anyone but me and one other person sometime someplace but that is potentially everybody;And, if it were now it wouldn't be here and it wouldn't be now.I hate to say I'm slow but it looks that way to me.Still I can say now that someone gave me a perfect idea to express something of myself through an unusual lens.The idea of them being spoken to no one does not exist for me and only heightens my sense of an ecstatic love with no barriers based on matching souls that escape human concerns in the act of making love through it all.Something that can only obtain itself through the auspices of the unseen person behind the curtain whom I endeavor to pay no attention to.Somehow I doubt this is not familiar to anyone reading this.

A little slice of me

I have inadvertently had to through the baby out with the bathwater but as is usually the case, not without mitigating circumstances.Its best for me not to become befuddled by input that is beyond my ability to understand or contextualize.I wonder if I am not alone in feeling this way about communicating on line.Any slice of someone can be taken out of context by another's immediate prejudices and circumstances and I mean all kinds of slices.Since its a slice, pizza comes to mind, followed by ' Strangers in a Strange Land ' and other ideas about "soul eating". I know it sounds very sinister along with " human Commerce" and being " Bio-Sexual".That's a notion I realized other people must already realize when I realized it.Biological sexuality based on feeling sexual for any reason except some obvious ones like necrophilia etc etc.Sexual proclivity is highly over rated as a point of reference in understanding the " Bio-Sexual".The "bio-Sexual" will sometimes confess they are just "slutty",and equal- oportunavorish in what they do but as life goes on it becomes obvious that this is not exactly true.Sort of a nice way of saying that sexually compulsive behavior becomes understood within ones self(whatever is truly being expressed) as a matter of course.The thought that one would be with their partner no matter what their gender is, is not immediately appreciated easily by all but its a nice one.The Idea is that you love the soul of the person so much that you feel honestly you would want to share significant parts of your life with them.People feel this way at all kinds of ages and as the result of all kinds of reasons that tore down perceived differences we believed in.I am very happy when I see someone living beyond these stultifying notions.Part of contentment is the ability to find the admiration and inspiration within conflicting emotions.The admiration and inspiration is an elemental part of contentment. It sometimes comes through a faulty belief from highlighting everything negative in conflicting feelings.They seem more real than the temporarily obscured valuable feelings mixed up in the circumstance." Human Commerce" is right out.The question I wonder about is how do people manage to strike a balance with one another without feeling vaporized by feeling vampired.Feeling drained by people and situations is part of life but strictly only to a point.Without clear boundaries this can be a serious cause for psychotherapy and I have availed myself of this privilege for this reason.Often one thing has nothing to do with another and its hard for me to see that.I think it must be hard for everyone sometimes.It seems like a little thing to one person to do or say something but INADVERTENTLY it is taken vastly changed by another in a twisted way which has nothing to do with person A but now it gets worse because person A responds to person B based on the "strange" reaction of person B,assumes its so, and so on and so forth.Some have a natural knack for completely fucking up what their trying to say.I do it lots.for example this is a light one......I was waiting for my friends to wake up and get out of bed and we were sharing the room. So she was getting up and he started getting out of bed and I said " oh , uh, dude....do you have anything I can put in My mouth?" I thought he had some grapes or an orange or a cough drop.His response was " You know Ralph, I thought you were smarter and more worldly than saying something like that".If he had handed me a stick of gum and said nothing it wouldn't have occurred to me.Well anyway this has been a slice of me but I doubt words compare to actually tasting me or anyone else to the degree is necessary to know their flavor.

sa mo

I have a book to suggest .Its a two volume set called " MYTH, LEGEND,AND CUSTOM IN THE OLD TESTAMENT".Its by Theodor H Gaster with sections of James Frazer's book on the subject included.It speaks to the elemental nature of myth's and legends that surprisingly can be found in cultures far from each other in time and place.The publisher of this one is Peter Smith.Anyway all this is a little lead in because in my efforts to be glib which have been horrifyingly unsuccessful,I sometimes think about what I was writing after word's and I have a more serious idea.The importance of the elemental in living a contented life.What I wrote recently speaks of my imagination and some other things but I can't leave it because it was a shitty glib comment on a subjevt that is usually treated with a pithy response for a reason.Or whatever.Effervescence? Joy is that, true......;But, something enduring in our lives that one can feel confident in is what so many people express a desire to " have" and " be ".So I want to just remove me from the writing here and make a clear distinction between the superficial ideas I expressed previously and something reasonable.Let's just pretend its not me writing this.Does this question resonate with someone on that basis?I have faith in people already having all the answer's they need.I assume that it is every person's birth right to have and be, so the idea of authority in one's personal life resides in ones self.I also think people are sort of easily pushed by the various complex ways human beings interact and get along with each other.It seems obvious that we coerce each other in all sorts of ways but not always obvious as to when and how or for what reason.So I think its a reasonable thing to say that some people are inadvertently coerced in to thinking they don't have an answer.Some people consider the effervescent nature of something to be a liability and I am no exception at times.I want to be clear that I'm addressing whomever is reading this based on my experience and my own observations of life.That's how it's helpful to have to consider that someone is reading this.I am one and another's experience is their's and it forces one to be considerate of another regardless.The reality of different points of view for me is that they promote equality and validation in and of themselves,but not for the sake of feeling them.That's for the couch.When I recall running at the beach when I was 6 years old ,watching my shadow in the rushing ocean water and icy clear sparkle of the sun through a watery see through sheet......Those moments of happiness are the same today as they were then.What's obvious to me is what I wasn't thinking then or considering.I really feel certain that these moments happen to us all the time but its easy to miss during troubled times when its needed most.The elemental way one became good at what one does generally in life,seems like a good example.How did it happen? By the employment of elemental growth which takes a little time and clear effort.If you choose to learn a musical instrument and you practice modestly every day after six weeks you feel this confidence.Meditation for 20 minutes a day everyday for thirty days does it to along with surfing,cooking,hiking,making a fire,making love,roller blading ,reading music learning a language, making love,watching movies,waiting for your food,making love as well as reading to people in a hospital.In fact the time I spent doing so called " social work" mostly included helping people fill out their housing applications which I hated but found fulfilling because I have some practice at it and it was helpful to someone else.I would have been living in westbeth on bethune street many times over if I didn't mind filling out applications.Some people have a type of presence that is very healing to other people on a one on one.So A person with their own particular flavor of self will be appreciated helping just because they are practiced in being and knowing themselves.Yes, the world has use for people who have an open heart and an open mind with a smile on their face.All of these require sincerity only.Playing a tambourine should not be left out.People can become elemental for whatever you do.People require great patience because clear observation,self honesty and trust are what gives me confidence in someone.All this just to write that I believe in living a contented life through the one step at a time approach of building ones life through the application of elemental blocks.Elemental building blocks for living a contented and relatively free life are individual and similar.Energy,honesty and things to do with reasonable commitments seem to make up the similarities.

ALL TRUE

vehementer mei sum tibi tua opinio captum hominis occidendi nectar.to dubitantes hoc volui. nisi caritas ex Deo nobis est duobus vestrum qui malum bonum est sacrificio. Somnium rapi, vestris occidere manibus expectans amorem.

nigrum optimum semper omnes arcus ex ventre tuo claret saecula ueritatis cupido

That's kinds fun to do if you play with the formality of the language.It comes out mad different depending on the words you choose and where you put them.Its an easy stretch to reverse order of words if one understands a teeny bit of romance languages.Lot of poetic possibilities in that kind of formality.I actually have something legitimate to write for a minute.Namely the recent supreme court case involving these offensive assholes who go to the funerals of the fallen veterans shouting their homophobic hate and spew.It seems to me there is an appropriate response to this mockery of the first amendment and I have one.Its not a response that is very defensible as far as protecting the families of the veterans but if they don't mind then on paper there are thousands of hard core freaks,and freaks of smaller stature like myself,who will match these assholes person for person.How long would they keep going if they had to deal with hordes of freaks shouting back at them.I volunteer to dress up like the devil in drag and dance all around them pretending its all real.Fact o the matter I would probably need a bullet proof vest but you get the point.One would have to extrapolate all the possible events that would occur and the appropriate action to take in response before proceeding in my view.Thats what political science doctorates do well and plenty of them are freaks anyway so you could get that pro bono if you already had the organizational contacts to make sure that such and such will happen at such and such a time and at such and such a place.Whats right is right.Which brings me to the next subject which has been an interminable "problem" all of my life.The solution to the west bank issues could be settled with money.The complexities of doing this is not something easily done but assuming there will ever be a compromise, and its a question whether the forces that feed off the strife will ever allow their riches to disappear in peace , then at least here is a scenario.The united nations granted land.Then people go to war against this land.Then these attacking forces lose a bunch of their land.We have the U.N ostensibly to enforce rule of law and if that will ever work all nations will have to bow down to it.In the world to come nations won't take parts of other nations without paying for it regardless of the perception of the populace.In the past nations did that as well,albeit in a strictly euro centric way.Israel spends lots of money on security that would ultimately be saved.At first security concerns would be paramount and probably for a while thereafter.Eventually new generations will grow free of having the conflict ingrained on them.They have star bucks coffee in the west bank which tells me they would be amicable to the idea of being paid off for there trouble and assuming the money is used for living conditions economically and socially.A lot of private money goes towards bringing these groups together .The world will increasingly depend on middle east peace.Its now in the Chinese interest to secure peace there and what better way for the Chinese to spend some of their largess on then to fork over 100 or 200 billion dollars to the the emerging responsible parties amongst the Palestinians.Between all the nations of the world who depend on oil it would seem a small price to all chip in to cover the cost to Israel.Well folks .....if anyone has a better idea I strongly urge them to act on it and fairly soon by the looks of things(especially if they are in a position to).Frankly it looks like a done deal to me .The problem with solutions is they give one a false sense of security as if to say " Oh well, I don't need to ace because I know I always can".That's fine for a knave but no other.There are a slew of them which I think you can take as veritable.