very hurt and can't cover it up even hypothetically

How and why I was hurt and damaged by the experience is probably foolish to write on.I just react painfully being taken the wrong way to that degree(as do others).This has to do with very deep seeded issues in my psychology.This is not uncommon and this will seem iconsequentialI can't expect someone to understand if they have no referance.I can't beat myself up for being childishly naive.I can't say I don't care because what I experienced and have refered to obliquely may be under stood by 2 or 3 people if at all.I have never made it clear that being misunderstood in the way it seems to me I have been And,being rejected for those reasons as well as coming in to conflict with someone due to what I KNOW is the result of being misunderstood,has been a daily challenge of re-living very traumatic events in my life that left me rather more debilitated than I appear.There is nothing I can do to change it from this perspective .The person or object of my attention in this can't help either.It will take me many years to get over it as silly as some think that is.I blame no one and am not suprised to be considered the same as whomever else the individual(s) know.It took me many months to come to terms with the kind of psychological suffering I will have to live with it for many years all as a result of bad mental habbits at a bad time.However, it was necessary for me to experience in order to move on.I am going to pretend it doesn't bother me that someone reading this thinks this post is a complaint or narcississtic excuse.I've lived with severe ocd,which is a symptom of a diagnosed neurological disorder, for many years and this trauma was about as bad as it gets.The ridiculous part is the whole process was the result of a bad habbit I have had all my life of living in overly detached day dreams when in a state of stress and trauma.I added even worse trauma instead of finding a pleasant release several years ago when this started.So now I have to go away whether I want to or not because I know the best medicine for rampant compulsive internalizing is to see and do new things that are without connection to the situation in question.I am useless to others this damaged and will have to take the time to heal.I will never hold it against anyone and I know it is impossible for anyone to understand what these events mean to me and the absolute upheaval they have caused.I will not put anyone down for it.Like the girl who busted in to my studio sessionon at 39th st in 84 long enough to watch me get self conscious and hammy as a result of being disconcerted by her good looks,then frowning at me and running back out,this situation I so crypstically refer to will one day be an inocuous memory.For many years I was subject to self loathing compulsively because she rejected me.I recognize this is not her fault.I would like to congratulate whomever may be involved with whatever extent the so called "situation" i refer to exists.I can understand why one would understand this as being the insipid expression of a loser who merely wants what he wants.At least I understand some people think that way somehow.It won't help me over the next decade of mental anguish to know that at least eventually,the truth will be known.My deep wish is that no one else ever has to go through this.I wish that were true because at least I would feel there was some utility in this.Even the smallest ,dumbest recognition would have sufficed .As I find little value in clinging to these thoughts (although I know it is good grist for the mill)I sincerely hope you are very happy hypothetically and to the extent I can hope someone is happy who I don't know; But, I do not flatter myself so in reality.I accept my insignificance.Ultimately it is what we think and know of ourselves that counts and Knowing my intentions as I do I am mostly able to pull myself out of obsessive negative thoughts although they are traunatizing.I think this is all rather pathetic on my part but its as close to the truth(even though you wouldn't believe me nor care)as i can attempt to record.I meant to explain about these notions I have about muses and godesses which I garbled yesterday.I care that you understand me because its safe for me as you don't care to and won't.I have my moments but have always prefered taking people 4 thier best.I will always hope against all odds that the truth comes out but I need not know it or have it confirmed.Bottom line is that I had a notion this morning.I decided the best catharsis with words regarding this personal note was simply....oooops, I got hurt very badly a long time ago and it seems I found a way to re live it.A Healer must be healing.I make that the first thing I ask a psychiatrist/psychologist....."are you healing?".This is all surely of my own design even though hypothetically if certain circumstances were so then one simple nod from a persons head would relieve that stress.psychological terminology regarding this sort of thing always seems to make sense.Trauma that happens to children during their pre-verbal mental developement or near verbal developement,when set off by similar crcumstances(in the widest sense),can set off very uncomfortable feelings that can attach to varieties of mental formations or become overwhelming detached emotions and excess anxiety presenting without an origin.Most important though is all that I can be thankful for every day.I can give myself that nod I suppose and I have always had a talent for putting a smile on peoples' faces when addressed in whatever way.You did! Perhaps that was all I needed!Well you and the devine probaly know better than I(REMINDER TO SELF---COUNT BLESSINGS INSTEAD OF INDULGING NEGATIVE FEELINGS OF REJECTION AND ALIENATION)