um

I once thought perhaps " um " could be a replacement for " om ".I suppose if one becomes "enlightened" in this age the next question would be "um" what do I do do being "enlightened" while living in this age?.I wonder at times what effect the growth of population in percentage and total numbers has on an individual.Is it different being here with 6 billion as opposed to 1 billion.The world population has tripled in my life time...does one have a unique experience being human and living through that?My Ma and pa are both actively doing whatever they do and would say "no" about that I bet, and, they have lived long.They have a propensity towards raging contraryness and besides , age does not equal insight ,wisdom or compassion.I'm sorta going through the motions of writing this I confess though I would be hard pressed to write about it although, it pains me for an embarassing reason to me,which is also embaraaing,all of which requires a big "get over it".Probably cuz there's lots of stuff I wouldn't write anymore.Lots of subjects too.The toppic of the "Monarch" system of brainwashing as evident in popular culture won't be here.I don't do those toppics anymore although I think whomever wrote that article I was refering to ought to have some things pointed out to him. That probably is not my job.I know I can prove my point using his own argument as an example.I didn't dig the dude's attitude on the subject at all but my recent experiences with f'ing myself up with communicating poorly to others(regardless of the "means" either) and making indelibly bad impressions.Another "get over it".I remember to use those various ways to keep free from identyfying oneself with how one feels and thinks at a given moment and it is better to remeber all the kindnesses going on in the world because wherever they are going on I know its an answer to my prayer and I am truely thankfull.I am thankfull when I feel a generosity of spirit for the sake of generosity alone.I may not choose something for myself,I may not share a thought,ideal or way of life as another has .....but I would rather not judge them or believe in some "given" separation pre-existing because of different dining habbits for example.That's probably the most important thing to me so of course it presses all kinds of forgotten buttons to find I have not exemplified that idea of respect for another without requiring them to think or hold views as I do and a good deal else got lost in being unable to make a clear and good impression.One might compulsively make a bad impression for a good reason in one's heart.A foolish stretch for sure but suppose you thought making a good impression in some cases would be dishonest and a lie to someone you do not want to mislead for any reason.Tomorow I can not afford to walk around with a terribly sad face for a lot of reasons including the impression I make.Anyway its all a motivator to go to India asap which takes a while and some organization anyway.I can fix my teeth and unload some stressors in my life for a bit there one would expect for a certain temperment.There are a lot of ways to help people also, which is very much interwoven with the culture there.I can see being quite sad there as well so I am very cautious.I have three places to go and I am glad I feel strongly that in esoteric matters,its all here now in front of one.A usefull outlook with existence ought not depend on going half way around the world and there are plenty of people who need help here.I hope its advantageous to be there while learnimg the sitar,which I think is one of many valuable reasons to go there ahead of naively"seeking"simple all purpose answeres to complicated variations of people nor complex taxing answers to simple questions.There is an ashram sans much culty behavior centered around the ideas of Ramana Maharshi which I love quite well.I've never come accross a reason not to go there and meet those who studied with him.I always had it in my mind to do Goa in december for sure. It seems to me that its better to make my little entries and notations that ought to represent a state of mind fairly honestly if nothing else cuz its sort of a diary in a sorta way that I might "sorta" look back on if I don't delete.I think deleting is a bad Idea though as I did my instinct to shy off of the blogger and stuff.