Something about trusting individuals in certain "groups" of people you are somehow part of...

Wow,that said a little in a long way.I suspect I'm long winded and the mere act of writing here on my part implies self absorbed obsession perhaps. Haven't a clue really which I hope is funny to someone I may have offended.When one can raise their own bile up in such an exaggerated avuncular style in expression as I, particularly when in the throws of insecurity or discomfort I fall back on a facetious attitudes that are just....well its just horrid.The best way to describe it even though its sort of embarrassing to have that word floating in my head waiting to be used as if it were a reasonable word.The word 'Horrid" has nothing reasonable about it.Come to mention it ,It occurred to me that it is offensive to refer to a certain situation as 'hypothetical'.I expect you ought to point out that I am obtuse as well as "feckless".Golly........what a winning combo!!!! But;sincerely,to whom this may concern,in addition to the probability that there are perhaps some things about life that I am discovering within and without that result in an over reaction with 'trauma' like conditions that brings one to a self absorbed state where thoughts and daydreams of the impossible being real becomes a defense mechanism.......In addition to this this particular thought makes me happy in a curious way.It is not thoughts about desire n'r are there scenarios or fairytale objectives of arrival.Its just the mere thought that makes me happy.I wonder if its because I always think of you as a special artist.Its hard for me not to seem over-assuming,insanely self absorbed or both regarding what I'm writing.I am so DUMBFOUNDED!!!!!!!!When I think of you I do not understand how or from where this thought has morphed in to the sense or feeling of an essence in my heart.I believe you are living art and always did.I am not that stupid or crazy to take something with some truth to it and blow it in to something that becomes mostly pathetic fantasy or idiotic fairy tales.At least not anymore.Fine then,call me crazy,have your revenge on me,ignore me,hate me BUT I STILL ODDLY understood by you, in a way that placates that empty space.I love myself more when I think of you.I c or think I c so much of me in you.I'm going to get in trouble 4 writing this I bet but you are so rare and precious as a human being to me even though that should not be.That's just so dismissed as effed up.So hello.....I'm a big efffin idiot many times over.I am happy to be free from attachment especially outcomes,thats what I was blathering about the "gaining a seat" thing I blew.Its good to develop what I think can be called an inner asanna or sanscrit for inner 'yogic pose".There is lots of this in most esoteric traditions in the form of mantra ,visualizations and meditation methods involving attention and awareness.Many people do this on there own without ever hearing this kind of drivel i'm writing.My experience has shown me that lots of people are enlightened. Performance artists,bankers and athletes seem to have a big leg up.Note the cheezy irony of having commented on narcissism in song content recently and my celebration of wanton denial in this narcissistic escapade.I'm betting maybe not.I bet on the Goddess and that means you.Sometimes ,and in cases with actual friends one spends time with,one does not trust their friend or friends and the group loses sight of its common goal.I use the word group in its widest sense.This passes and a stronger bond will grow.I don't know what made me think of that but maybe cuz I figure u don't believe me.Who you are has a strong effect on me.....namely, that the thought of you as a creation(all that you are,have said or done)helps me open up to loving myself.This is all strange....oh well.And ,I feel this peaceful silence that I imagine comes from you and I feel free of undue reaction.I hope there is no self importance here,i just wanted to share it sincerely...