quite often.....

all my life,in fact,communicating was problematic.I had a sort of funny combo that made me apt to mess up.Everyone has reasons for who they are.So many people overcome great difficulties and achieve great things.I don't mean public accolades,fame or fortune.I understand why one might think that that was my only reasons but Besides what always comes first(a deep commitment to alleviate the hardships on children,the elderly and infirm. I would be very happy to be have anything to offer if asked and to do it anonymously.I don't know if someone has created or fomented a situation.I can't imagine why but i'm sure there would be an understandable reason if it were so.Are people that weak that once you have any material advantage over them that is all they care about?I know my desire and I doubt If i had been clear a long time ago and took a little more care the obstacles to merely communicating helpfully,humbly and in a way that might have brought some joy to whomever found something worthwhile in my communications.I'm trying to think of a hypothetical.....Lets say someone illegally tapped my phone or had me fallowed....I would still be disrespectful as a result of some of my thoughtless sarcasm that often never made sense cuz I would get ahead of what point I was being sarcastic about.All I can say is in case someone accidentally unnerved and unhinged me so they could feel more secure by creating a problem 4 me.....i count on your happiness and also the great knowledge you have to draw from which will make you a fine and effective teacher on the subject if it ever comes up you will be a big help to someone.I must seem arrogant to express this.I am not so maniacal,or think I'm so great but a strange intuition won't let me be.Namely,that a very modest sharing was somehow meant to be that has somehow gone wrong.I think thats the closest to writing it out clearly i have ever gotten.Its easy to screw up what one wants to say.Hmmmmm example hmmmmie-ie- oh ok....i mentioned something about being sad in India and I was thinking about Benares where many hindu people hope to die so there are always many people in a very bad state wandering around.This is an oft repeated situation throughout india.I have always wanted to do charnal ground meditation which I thought I was too young ten years ago but age is irrelevant..One goes with an instructor and together a group of yogi's spend several days considering the stages of decomposition.This is done to free a person from over attachment to the physical.There's much more to it and it can be looked up.It must sound horrific i am sure.My impression is that it can help a person to free up the wasting of energy on fleeting yet alluring Identification with our changing and finite physical manifestation.That sounds silly.I think the "physical body" is a phrase of convenience.Do I "have" a body or am I a "body"?.My point is nothing to do with what I just wrote but the original post mentioning sadness it looks like I think of feeling sad in a very superficial unconscious way.What can I do?I know thats not so but I am troubled by the potential waste even at the long and very unlikely odds that associating with me in any manner would be beneficial for myself and others.I noticed a rather judgmental comment made by an artist recently and I realized these things happen to even the most adept.Why say a hurtful comment or try to make oneself look better by picking on others?This comment prompted me to write this as I thought about words and there effects.I appreciate many people though It is irrelevant to them as is probably natural.One day I think It will be clear but my nature tells me certain occurrences over the last several years were coincidences with a message.I was disrespectful for reaching too high and being commonly human where protocol was necessary.If it were not for the very unusual life I have led I would not say with any sure conviction that I see people as normal humans with some admirable, personal and original qualities.I have said differently and I suppose this meager but sincere post will be looked upon as any other I have written.Hard to believe but I can comport myself with grace,discretion,interest and assistance regarding what I can.I realize I won't change your mind and I blame no one including me because one must go on enthusiastically in life.I wish I could write this with a modicum of clarity and precision.I have learned much but not equal to the benefit of learning with someone I trust in a unique way.Life is full of twists and turns not to mention the.....VICISSITUDES!whomever is reading this, regardless of what I may have said with no circumspection or compassion or consideration....I wish and pray for all your prayers to be answered even if you think i'm stupid for doing so. a big hug from someone to someone else whatever you please, if someone is reading this your very dear and I wish something of you......your own personal ecstatic joy throughout your life! I had to go out on the shaky limb of being offensive in my familiarity although I do not know if this is perused and its insulting to make assumptions about people I know next to nothing about.I have faith you understand.