http://blip.fm/alpharalph a nice response to an individual.

http://blip.fm/alpharalph

Maybe it was the lack of being able to say it with a new york accent.Its a Joke I remembered from a comedian."Why don't you put your glasses on and go walk in to your self" and the funny one was saying a bad swear word in polite language which I always thought was great "BE FRUITFULL AND GO MULTIPLY YOURSELF!!!!!???????!!!!!????????????Um,ur ,eeee,ah ,ahem,its just that some things in life are so precious.Thats the moral of the story to me because of the warmth I feel in my heart comes from the fresh and new things that come out of that .NOT IN SOME STANDARD CONVENTIONAL WAY because I mean TO say its free from a type of expectation I did not expect was this silver lining.4 me though.I just know I am going to write wrong words..... but; I am suprised that the person who wrote that response ,and TO THE SMALLEST DEGREE POSSIBLE I DO NOT SAY THIS WITH expectation nor to get a response .Ofcourse I have them.I am in the midst of re-invigorating the practice of raga yoga which we all do anyway.There are many terms 4 this practice. The person who wrote that response ,I hope is not too angered by this, but I couls c me feeling the same and writing the same I could make the same inferences but in a different circumstance with different content.I can relate anyway .What I don't care to do is freak out much other than when the physical reality of having a neurological disorder seems to challenge.I think outer circumstances cause people most of their trouble as each of us internalizez it.


THIS IS AN UNWANTED BLANK SPACE PLAESE SCROLL........








.Its a very normal thing for me cuz i had it enough to b sent to the psychiatrist in 1967!!!!!!! I kinda freaked a little extra i guess cuz i did not express myself it comes out twisted.My point is that I sometimes react in a big way to something that might not require it.I am nonetheless to be sure amungst the first few to admit upon seeing it how ofensive it is.I am happy to say to myself (multiply)"I am certain just as I learn something in a new and unexpected way about something unexpected perhaps,anyone else must also have this same gift of learning about life through their own lives so I am not going to very gently point one eeency-weeeeeeennnnnceeeeeee thing about about how I had overreacted to this thing which turned out to be a weired sort of combo of people coming in and out of my life at the time.I'm just touched to c that because by c'ing that anything I could say to you would be something I would have to say to myself that and to whomever or to whomever I feel or think I am addressing this to i would say that was a horribly poorly expressed idea amung other ideas that were not cogent.Its quite a magnanymous situation for me because its some good learning which I am always loath to do to the point of repeating two grades more or a bit less.When I could relate myself cuz i'm kinda overly sensitive sometimes although its trainable to not be allowed to spoil my being present in a world which so obviously presents its blessings in unexpected and unforseen ways.I won't allow any extra control freak stuff f with me than whats unstopable(which is supposed to be rare).Wasn't alwayse able to say that and even now am not too attached to it either way.It appears I have been given more reason to be in earnest about going away although I would just assume go when the weather turns which is when I will.So now i guess it appears to me that life will change a lot 4 me.Its very maddening to a certain someone in my life but I can't go all the way there for a realy short time.I think that time will be good for her and evidentally if I can stay long enough and can be as good as dead which is what I have alwayse been told by people because if I cause them pain I ,(others are different)will remove myself from the place and people who are pained by me in some way.How insensitive could I be,There is a lot of spontaneous humor in this......like a lot.Either way I would always do what certain people(most women in general)ask me to do.I neither care to cat call woman or barge up to them.....ever unless otherwise indicated.I am ok with things for reasons that i couldn't explain easily.I just will have to be anyway as i have all along.While there are things I know I could serve well in this world...people arn't things.I am DUMBASSFOUNDED By how utterly powerless I could only be other than the power of faith and the willingness to take action at the time that made sense.Because of many changes I must make to still have hopes and dreams as part of my life.I fully expect to not exist for everyone but they who want to talk to me.Now I will not consider that someone is sadistic and wishes to c harm come to me.I should think I know quite enough about this to feel confident in giving that possibility no energy.There are some people in this world who I would not accuse of doing it if they were a little.They just might not realize.A poem comes to mind regarding the truth that actually ,because I could not count on myself to say the right things etc but in fact wanted to, meant that I couldn't make music in the drab grey of a given nyc winter fighting it out with other players who could get studio gigs.Although the lord of hosts must have decided I would somehow be able to read and write music,I was not encouraged by my parents as the fine trade reading and writing misical notes well can bring one.A lot of stupid reasons and occurances not meant as an excuse but to say,in fact,I am hurt in the strangest way but it was necessary to re-live the endless rejection due to my very loud voice and penchent for breaking things by accident etc etc,in order to carry on cuz i wuz trying to believe it was over stiff pretend that fear was gone.This sounds silly i think because its not that bad and I sau these things to arrive at this "thing":to wit,Because I was very general in whatever my expectations are of people and and that allowed for me to feel rejected by everything.Thats some weired shit to create wide scenarios in ones head in order to be normal.Somehow by having impossible expectations when the inevitability of the impossibility comes out I can then make the mere feeling of contentment my goal.I can be and feel content but I am often very uncomfortable around lots of people and I defer to taking a head change if in the crazyness of the city I have become overwhelmed by rejection and can't get off it.One always blames oneself and thats just as creepy as blaming others in a way.Strange shit happens.Look at me ....I met IGOR STRAVINSKY when I was 6 and i met FRANK LUCAS in mt Nebo baptist church.I met by pure chance on sepete occasions ,tim leary,richard alpert and ken keasy all the while even when I only drank for years I got accused of having an lsd mind.I would rather not be the shadow I shall be but i will not stop loving or stop having trouble accepting love.I hope that pain I feel brings someone solice at least if there pissed at meI wouldn't say what would be classic me to say, which is, how am I not the only one.f'ed here?..... a rather narcissistic viewpoint on my part.I think this poem by emily dickenson is good at this point Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.
Not one of all the purple host
Who took the flag to-day
Can tell the definition,
So clear, of victory!

As he, defeated, dying,
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Burst agonized and clear!



P.S your communication was godesslike for sure.Unlike the muse,i think Godesses will let um have it in a clear intense way and is hardly affraid of much in expressing all and everything she wishes to communicate(for "anything"they wish to,thats .....anything they wish to period the end.i guess this shall be faewell 4 a bit or two....If you did read this,then accrpt my thanks