quite often.....

all my life,in fact,communicating was problematic.I had a sort of funny combo that made me apt to mess up.Everyone has reasons for who they are.So many people overcome great difficulties and achieve great things.I don't mean public accolades,fame or fortune.I understand why one might think that that was my only reasons but Besides what always comes first(a deep commitment to alleviate the hardships on children,the elderly and infirm. I would be very happy to be have anything to offer if asked and to do it anonymously.I don't know if someone has created or fomented a situation.I can't imagine why but i'm sure there would be an understandable reason if it were so.Are people that weak that once you have any material advantage over them that is all they care about?I know my desire and I doubt If i had been clear a long time ago and took a little more care the obstacles to merely communicating helpfully,humbly and in a way that might have brought some joy to whomever found something worthwhile in my communications.I'm trying to think of a hypothetical.....Lets say someone illegally tapped my phone or had me fallowed....I would still be disrespectful as a result of some of my thoughtless sarcasm that often never made sense cuz I would get ahead of what point I was being sarcastic about.All I can say is in case someone accidentally unnerved and unhinged me so they could feel more secure by creating a problem 4 me.....i count on your happiness and also the great knowledge you have to draw from which will make you a fine and effective teacher on the subject if it ever comes up you will be a big help to someone.I must seem arrogant to express this.I am not so maniacal,or think I'm so great but a strange intuition won't let me be.Namely,that a very modest sharing was somehow meant to be that has somehow gone wrong.I think thats the closest to writing it out clearly i have ever gotten.Its easy to screw up what one wants to say.Hmmmmm example hmmmmie-ie- oh ok....i mentioned something about being sad in India and I was thinking about Benares where many hindu people hope to die so there are always many people in a very bad state wandering around.This is an oft repeated situation throughout india.I have always wanted to do charnal ground meditation which I thought I was too young ten years ago but age is irrelevant..One goes with an instructor and together a group of yogi's spend several days considering the stages of decomposition.This is done to free a person from over attachment to the physical.There's much more to it and it can be looked up.It must sound horrific i am sure.My impression is that it can help a person to free up the wasting of energy on fleeting yet alluring Identification with our changing and finite physical manifestation.That sounds silly.I think the "physical body" is a phrase of convenience.Do I "have" a body or am I a "body"?.My point is nothing to do with what I just wrote but the original post mentioning sadness it looks like I think of feeling sad in a very superficial unconscious way.What can I do?I know thats not so but I am troubled by the potential waste even at the long and very unlikely odds that associating with me in any manner would be beneficial for myself and others.I noticed a rather judgmental comment made by an artist recently and I realized these things happen to even the most adept.Why say a hurtful comment or try to make oneself look better by picking on others?This comment prompted me to write this as I thought about words and there effects.I appreciate many people though It is irrelevant to them as is probably natural.One day I think It will be clear but my nature tells me certain occurrences over the last several years were coincidences with a message.I was disrespectful for reaching too high and being commonly human where protocol was necessary.If it were not for the very unusual life I have led I would not say with any sure conviction that I see people as normal humans with some admirable, personal and original qualities.I have said differently and I suppose this meager but sincere post will be looked upon as any other I have written.Hard to believe but I can comport myself with grace,discretion,interest and assistance regarding what I can.I realize I won't change your mind and I blame no one including me because one must go on enthusiastically in life.I wish I could write this with a modicum of clarity and precision.I have learned much but not equal to the benefit of learning with someone I trust in a unique way.Life is full of twists and turns not to mention the.....VICISSITUDES!whomever is reading this, regardless of what I may have said with no circumspection or compassion or consideration....I wish and pray for all your prayers to be answered even if you think i'm stupid for doing so. a big hug from someone to someone else whatever you please, if someone is reading this your very dear and I wish something of you......your own personal ecstatic joy throughout your life! I had to go out on the shaky limb of being offensive in my familiarity although I do not know if this is perused and its insulting to make assumptions about people I know next to nothing about.I have faith you understand.

seems like a useless well to me.....

That would be this here blog to which I refer.You know part of saying whatever claptrap that comes to my mind has resulted in my writing on topics in a most unreliable manner.Sometimes it was just stupidity and other times it was laziness and a result of hard won confidence inadvertently abused.It took a long time to feel a sense of intrinsic belonging.I think this blog is like a useless dried up well that not only does no one read but I'm here with my broken bucket trying to get some water in.Oddly for sure however,if I write something remotely negative or embarssing or contrary to the opinion of certain people I notice these funny coincidences that seem to respond to these comments.I grew up around people that found it indispensable to judge others based on where they were born,what type of education etc.I found this distasteful although I was pronr towards being judgmental in that manner until I realized how stultifying it was towards my desire to see people in an egalitarian spirit.I have to laugh when I think How many times I defended artists Who I did genuinely feel deserved much more then a knee jerk "oh that's garbage".I peoved it to because I would play the material by some musical performance artists as I enjoyed surprising the listener when,after being told what a wonderful "spiritual" message the song contained and then telling them who wrote it.I was angry that people who were supposedly teaching modes of awareness that free people from thoughtless status quo would say"there may be people who sport High heals,makeup and/or a business suit who are enlightened but Ive never seen them".what a bunch of horse manure.All manner of people are enlightened in addition to which we human's come in different styles.Here I mean to say that this is a very ignorant thing to suppose.Also,some people are "yogi" or "seeker" style while others are What I call "master' style.They are secure in their sense of completness and even though they may watch orielly and vot republican,it is not uncommon to hear them say very profound comments that may take a vegetarian boooodist a long time to know.All this crap I write to say,if there is someone reading this I think you will agree that while I leave mounds of opportunities for others to malign me and dismiss me,for sure can we not at least agree that I write Here and elswher rather thoughtless and pointless comments that have probably ruined any chances if ever they existed for someone to take me seriously or consider me for any useful purpose.For this reason I hope I will be trusted when I say Am I A good example of what not to write.I am fairly certain that I was wrong to write comments in my own name.Please,remain incredulous all you want,but if I thought I was being assertively malicious why on earth would I use my name?I often tried to make a point very badly and I forget how important it is to qualify what one wishes to communicate.gotta go up the street 2 b continued I love people I know it bothers some folks oh well, if someone is reading this I hope you feel unfettered empathetic joy signed ralph usdan

Enchilada day almost ruined!!!!!!!!

Today is supposed to be enchilada day which starts with my favorite drink at the earliest convenience.liquor is more than meets the I and that means one may regret having some at a bad time,hence Enchilada day.On enchilada day I still fallow the rules of propriety but my choices all flow together seamlessly.I stopped drinking liquor and couldn't stand even 1/2 glass of beer until a m.d persuaded me that a small amount of alcohol is very good for blood flow.Supposedly a stiff shot of vodka a day works as well as menoxxodill or whatever its called,in helping hair growth.Me and my pops have an identical ability to consume that stuff and hardly show it.Enchilada day start with my favorite drink which I can safely consume three and still appear sober although why?I like whatever often but lately its always the same.....one shot of jack Daniels straight,with another shot glass with Johnny walker RED, also straight and a pint og guiness weather permitting which it doesn't in the summer.Efffin guiness that is made in Ireland only produces enough for the eu ans new england.Once you leave n.y.c the guiness comes from mexico or Indonesia.Even if your in new york and find a great expert at poring it this hot weather changes how it pours.Its hard to believe it makes such a difference.but its supposed to have streaming bubbles from the bottom of the glass which one waits to drink until most of these streaming bubbles reach the top.The flavor when drunk at the right time is just sublime and hard to describe.Guiness on tap when brought to you should have mad streaming bubbles clearly streaming to the top of the glass.As far as I know one waits until most of this "bubbling" gets done at which point the beverage is pure magic.Then I get a cheeseburger and not usually from the two best burgers I have found served daily in a bar here.That would be "the corner bistro" in the west village and the other is "the Dive" on 96th and Amsterdam ave.Corner bistro cheeseburgers are probably the best.I don't believe you would regret eating a cheezeburger from either place.Note to self.......It sucked bad when I got to the gathering I coincidentally ran right in to my old friends from michigan nad when I asked where a friend was I had lost track of I found out he succumbed to a very hard illness.He offed himself I assume as a result of a very serious case of schizophrenia.I found that mates of state song by sheer accident and it moved me a lot and I miss Ari and feel sure(i oughtn't though)that If I could have spoken with him Perhaps he might have held on.Its very easy to feel a frightful alienation and a lot of abuse as dr's through lots of questionable medications at the patient.I have a lot to say about it but I shall not.needless to say enchilada day is a lengthy list to qualify it as "the whole enchilada" day so I'm off...........lovin ya.............

umm

Comment box check for spam???????? The response to my cmment explains a lot and that's a good thing.I can see THAT WAS A BAD THING TO BE NON challant about.I'll always wish my best 4 you and whomever else.I have tried to be more clear when writing since then.I still seem to be offensive to other peoples sensinilities.Too late now but I still want to be able to communicate with people.I can not inagine anyone believing me when I say I didn't know what was real or not at the time.Thank you regardless for What I believe is a kind and generous heart which I somehow trampled on .peace

Pc is broken only the titles work!I'm so excited I'll write it in the title section.I hope the individual(s)as only few would agree that they would care past the fun of playing with people.I had an interesting year for music as I started to sing The song three,by britney sps and got areal kick out of the lady gaga explosion.I have an intuition that its insulting to make comments on someone if you are only able to know what you can find out as well as hearsay.I don't beleive in hearsay more than to tolerate someone expounding it..We all get jocular too!.

ONE HEART

Thank you thank you thank you it was brilliamt

ONE HEART

ONE HEART

http://blip.fm/alpharalph a nice response to an individual.

http://blip.fm/alpharalph

Maybe it was the lack of being able to say it with a new york accent.Its a Joke I remembered from a comedian."Why don't you put your glasses on and go walk in to your self" and the funny one was saying a bad swear word in polite language which I always thought was great "BE FRUITFULL AND GO MULTIPLY YOURSELF!!!!!???????!!!!!????????????Um,ur ,eeee,ah ,ahem,its just that some things in life are so precious.Thats the moral of the story to me because of the warmth I feel in my heart comes from the fresh and new things that come out of that .NOT IN SOME STANDARD CONVENTIONAL WAY because I mean TO say its free from a type of expectation I did not expect was this silver lining.4 me though.I just know I am going to write wrong words..... but; I am suprised that the person who wrote that response ,and TO THE SMALLEST DEGREE POSSIBLE I DO NOT SAY THIS WITH expectation nor to get a response .Ofcourse I have them.I am in the midst of re-invigorating the practice of raga yoga which we all do anyway.There are many terms 4 this practice. The person who wrote that response ,I hope is not too angered by this, but I couls c me feeling the same and writing the same I could make the same inferences but in a different circumstance with different content.I can relate anyway .What I don't care to do is freak out much other than when the physical reality of having a neurological disorder seems to challenge.I think outer circumstances cause people most of their trouble as each of us internalizez it.


THIS IS AN UNWANTED BLANK SPACE PLAESE SCROLL........








.Its a very normal thing for me cuz i had it enough to b sent to the psychiatrist in 1967!!!!!!! I kinda freaked a little extra i guess cuz i did not express myself it comes out twisted.My point is that I sometimes react in a big way to something that might not require it.I am nonetheless to be sure amungst the first few to admit upon seeing it how ofensive it is.I am happy to say to myself (multiply)"I am certain just as I learn something in a new and unexpected way about something unexpected perhaps,anyone else must also have this same gift of learning about life through their own lives so I am not going to very gently point one eeency-weeeeeeennnnnceeeeeee thing about about how I had overreacted to this thing which turned out to be a weired sort of combo of people coming in and out of my life at the time.I'm just touched to c that because by c'ing that anything I could say to you would be something I would have to say to myself that and to whomever or to whomever I feel or think I am addressing this to i would say that was a horribly poorly expressed idea amung other ideas that were not cogent.Its quite a magnanymous situation for me because its some good learning which I am always loath to do to the point of repeating two grades more or a bit less.When I could relate myself cuz i'm kinda overly sensitive sometimes although its trainable to not be allowed to spoil my being present in a world which so obviously presents its blessings in unexpected and unforseen ways.I won't allow any extra control freak stuff f with me than whats unstopable(which is supposed to be rare).Wasn't alwayse able to say that and even now am not too attached to it either way.It appears I have been given more reason to be in earnest about going away although I would just assume go when the weather turns which is when I will.So now i guess it appears to me that life will change a lot 4 me.Its very maddening to a certain someone in my life but I can't go all the way there for a realy short time.I think that time will be good for her and evidentally if I can stay long enough and can be as good as dead which is what I have alwayse been told by people because if I cause them pain I ,(others are different)will remove myself from the place and people who are pained by me in some way.How insensitive could I be,There is a lot of spontaneous humor in this......like a lot.Either way I would always do what certain people(most women in general)ask me to do.I neither care to cat call woman or barge up to them.....ever unless otherwise indicated.I am ok with things for reasons that i couldn't explain easily.I just will have to be anyway as i have all along.While there are things I know I could serve well in this world...people arn't things.I am DUMBASSFOUNDED By how utterly powerless I could only be other than the power of faith and the willingness to take action at the time that made sense.Because of many changes I must make to still have hopes and dreams as part of my life.I fully expect to not exist for everyone but they who want to talk to me.Now I will not consider that someone is sadistic and wishes to c harm come to me.I should think I know quite enough about this to feel confident in giving that possibility no energy.There are some people in this world who I would not accuse of doing it if they were a little.They just might not realize.A poem comes to mind regarding the truth that actually ,because I could not count on myself to say the right things etc but in fact wanted to, meant that I couldn't make music in the drab grey of a given nyc winter fighting it out with other players who could get studio gigs.Although the lord of hosts must have decided I would somehow be able to read and write music,I was not encouraged by my parents as the fine trade reading and writing misical notes well can bring one.A lot of stupid reasons and occurances not meant as an excuse but to say,in fact,I am hurt in the strangest way but it was necessary to re-live the endless rejection due to my very loud voice and penchent for breaking things by accident etc etc,in order to carry on cuz i wuz trying to believe it was over stiff pretend that fear was gone.This sounds silly i think because its not that bad and I sau these things to arrive at this "thing":to wit,Because I was very general in whatever my expectations are of people and and that allowed for me to feel rejected by everything.Thats some weired shit to create wide scenarios in ones head in order to be normal.Somehow by having impossible expectations when the inevitability of the impossibility comes out I can then make the mere feeling of contentment my goal.I can be and feel content but I am often very uncomfortable around lots of people and I defer to taking a head change if in the crazyness of the city I have become overwhelmed by rejection and can't get off it.One always blames oneself and thats just as creepy as blaming others in a way.Strange shit happens.Look at me ....I met IGOR STRAVINSKY when I was 6 and i met FRANK LUCAS in mt Nebo baptist church.I met by pure chance on sepete occasions ,tim leary,richard alpert and ken keasy all the while even when I only drank for years I got accused of having an lsd mind.I would rather not be the shadow I shall be but i will not stop loving or stop having trouble accepting love.I hope that pain I feel brings someone solice at least if there pissed at meI wouldn't say what would be classic me to say, which is, how am I not the only one.f'ed here?..... a rather narcissistic viewpoint on my part.I think this poem by emily dickenson is good at this point Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.
Not one of all the purple host
Who took the flag to-day
Can tell the definition,
So clear, of victory!

As he, defeated, dying,
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Burst agonized and clear!



P.S your communication was godesslike for sure.Unlike the muse,i think Godesses will let um have it in a clear intense way and is hardly affraid of much in expressing all and everything she wishes to communicate(for "anything"they wish to,thats .....anything they wish to period the end.i guess this shall be faewell 4 a bit or two....If you did read this,then accrpt my thanks

word meaning and sentence structure-building blocks to a cogent post or you get what i got!!!!

One thing I noticed about writing is that one can forget to write a concluding point because of forgetting the need to slow down and remember the reader.I wonder if perhaps people get more lax when they assume no one cares anyway.I think the same goes for our expression of anger as it occludes the importance of respecting another. A note on my sadness comment.Sad is used to describe lots of upsetting experiences.Seeing starving people often who don't have much to eat could be sad.Also an abandoned baby crying is sad.In that case one springs to action out of there sadness.Its sometimes a motivator too.Ennui is another one.No matter what ,in serios loss "sadness"is likely to be more apparant in the witnesses to the families grief.Any time one chooses a happy thought when in these funks the quicker they will be a memory.Gentleness with oneself and not having unreasonably high expectations can ease useless pressure we put on ourselves.On another subject,I am increasingly appreciative of growing up around the people I did (in my family) that made me very seasoned in taking vituperation as a sign of frustration.I understand,sympathize and agree with the sentiments of the person who so seriously wishes me ill from the depths of their souls.......I just know There has bee a disconnect here because I know my heart and everyone who reads me knows I sometimes write without completing my thoughts and asleep to the ramifications or rushing.This is very insignificant and I'm not complaining.I hope and pray that they,one day, do not find themselves being condemned and judged in the same way.I do not wish another human being to ever go through the weired ass crap that goes on inside me at times(more and more rare with less staying power).When I get those things I say "I just want to know no one else will ever have to feel this.A selfish and grandiose thing to say but my heart is there.All in all I realize I ain't that crazy!And I will no longer harbor any enmity towards others so I feel the same regarding my ckockamammy ideas about esoteric love and connections of support for people far away and unknown.I was right and my feelings were not irrational.My feelings might have been sometimes!My sentiments towards whomever is involved in my life or mantioned here have remained even.Expectations of other people beyond a reasonable one in a person is a major hardship so I can see the wisdom of loving without expectation in part because its efficient and it feels good to know one can develope a degree of steady love towards someone regardless of how vociferous they are in explicating through action itself that they feel the utmost derision and disgust for me.It only bothers me if someone doesn't like me for an aspect of my character is really there to be hated.If one truely knows the accusations are a result of one person being unable to c another clearly then why would one feel bad?

um

I once thought perhaps " um " could be a replacement for " om ".I suppose if one becomes "enlightened" in this age the next question would be "um" what do I do do being "enlightened" while living in this age?.I wonder at times what effect the growth of population in percentage and total numbers has on an individual.Is it different being here with 6 billion as opposed to 1 billion.The world population has tripled in my life time...does one have a unique experience being human and living through that?My Ma and pa are both actively doing whatever they do and would say "no" about that I bet, and, they have lived long.They have a propensity towards raging contraryness and besides , age does not equal insight ,wisdom or compassion.I'm sorta going through the motions of writing this I confess though I would be hard pressed to write about it although, it pains me for an embarassing reason to me,which is also embaraaing,all of which requires a big "get over it".Probably cuz there's lots of stuff I wouldn't write anymore.Lots of subjects too.The toppic of the "Monarch" system of brainwashing as evident in popular culture won't be here.I don't do those toppics anymore although I think whomever wrote that article I was refering to ought to have some things pointed out to him. That probably is not my job.I know I can prove my point using his own argument as an example.I didn't dig the dude's attitude on the subject at all but my recent experiences with f'ing myself up with communicating poorly to others(regardless of the "means" either) and making indelibly bad impressions.Another "get over it".I remember to use those various ways to keep free from identyfying oneself with how one feels and thinks at a given moment and it is better to remeber all the kindnesses going on in the world because wherever they are going on I know its an answer to my prayer and I am truely thankfull.I am thankfull when I feel a generosity of spirit for the sake of generosity alone.I may not choose something for myself,I may not share a thought,ideal or way of life as another has .....but I would rather not judge them or believe in some "given" separation pre-existing because of different dining habbits for example.That's probably the most important thing to me so of course it presses all kinds of forgotten buttons to find I have not exemplified that idea of respect for another without requiring them to think or hold views as I do and a good deal else got lost in being unable to make a clear and good impression.One might compulsively make a bad impression for a good reason in one's heart.A foolish stretch for sure but suppose you thought making a good impression in some cases would be dishonest and a lie to someone you do not want to mislead for any reason.Tomorow I can not afford to walk around with a terribly sad face for a lot of reasons including the impression I make.Anyway its all a motivator to go to India asap which takes a while and some organization anyway.I can fix my teeth and unload some stressors in my life for a bit there one would expect for a certain temperment.There are a lot of ways to help people also, which is very much interwoven with the culture there.I can see being quite sad there as well so I am very cautious.I have three places to go and I am glad I feel strongly that in esoteric matters,its all here now in front of one.A usefull outlook with existence ought not depend on going half way around the world and there are plenty of people who need help here.I hope its advantageous to be there while learnimg the sitar,which I think is one of many valuable reasons to go there ahead of naively"seeking"simple all purpose answeres to complicated variations of people nor complex taxing answers to simple questions.There is an ashram sans much culty behavior centered around the ideas of Ramana Maharshi which I love quite well.I've never come accross a reason not to go there and meet those who studied with him.I always had it in my mind to do Goa in december for sure. It seems to me that its better to make my little entries and notations that ought to represent a state of mind fairly honestly if nothing else cuz its sort of a diary in a sorta way that I might "sorta" look back on if I don't delete.I think deleting is a bad Idea though as I did my instinct to shy off of the blogger and stuff.

cunnundrum cuz

Accidentally mirrored the old koan slash pull your hair out of your head double talk.Its rather well taken amung some promulgators of koan zen boodist practice that arrival at the place of unknowing and uncertainty and certainly doubt speaks to ones arrival at a new understanding of their experience of being.I realized something about "taking a seat" and Jon Zinn to do with " wu wei", the toaist ideal.This kinda came up cuz i was like duh why strike a pose for the main reson of not taking one.This question is a bit of a ping pong ball when"expert"meditator's write books.Do it for a reason? Do it esspecially NOT for a reason? I onchttp://www.ixquick.com/e got these cassetes of jon zinn doing guided meditation and did an experiment.I did the twenty minute one twice a day for thirty days and was very excited at the result.I had to drink less but for all the drinking I also liked a yogi's sorta monkish life.One thing for sure...it seemed often the more I maditated sometimes the more double shots of red label would be required.To Answer that question about having a reason I think it shows healthy compassion for oneself and subsequently others to do this practice for the peace and solace it can bring.Many maintain its not too good to do too much.Presently I do it for short impromptu sits that are long enough to reconnect me to what I alreaeady am but have odscured. I wonder if twenty minutes of formal practice twice a day or just once a day is a good guidline.Too much is suspicious for being a front to hide out.Many become detached emotinally from too much. mixing up psychological emptyness with so called "spiritual" emptyness,an idea that seems to have varrying meanings depending on who your talking to.I had a very scarry experience in 1995 at a ten day silent retreat which meant many hours of meditating a day.I was not conditioned for it and they had to pretty much drag me off the road where I stood with this feeling like molton rock was in my chest.A wonton rampage of self hatred and massochistic emtional thoughts flooded forth.I will always appreciate the time Christopher Tittmus and Sharda spent with me at I.M.S at that retreat and am glad they did not call an ambulance.That memory is very dear to me and still helps to recall sometimes.It pains me to think that I would forget or be blind to a kindness from someone.

aaahh,ummm...whats this?.....I'm just plain happy and content.....

Somewhere in the back of my mind I suspect there is a perfect picture of discomfort and discontent.Before I forget it,the following was told to me in the hinterland and some find it amusing..............."why do tweakers like to do it doggy style?................................................................................................................................................................................................................................so they can both look out the window at the same time. I wonder if I could ever have granted credibility to the extent to which there are certain times for such varied activities(and i don't mean tweaking) in human affairs.It impresses me that there is a time for everything in a full human life.I wonder a lot about the experience of others.I wonder if these changes in ones activity,depending on the time requires little help from the individual other than showing up and having a clear intention what you want and what you need.The "universe" or "nature " will c to it that you've found the energy and resources to be present where nature has perhaps planned your pattern to be present and extra connected.You are very blessed if you enjoy your solitude and can take the time to retire for whatever time from the world that awaits you.I do often meet people who share with me the idea that there is a big difference between feeling lonesome and being alone.The practice of "wu wei" or freedom from attachment to outcome has always loomed large as an inevitable life lesson for me.Writing here 4 me in that case is like commanding one to act like no one is commanding or, forcing one to act unforced.I seem to have a special ability to cause confusion and a mess whenever I try to affect an outcome to anything 4 any reason.I suppose that's a human commonality in general.

Something about trusting individuals in certain "groups" of people you are somehow part of...

Wow,that said a little in a long way.I suspect I'm long winded and the mere act of writing here on my part implies self absorbed obsession perhaps. Haven't a clue really which I hope is funny to someone I may have offended.When one can raise their own bile up in such an exaggerated avuncular style in expression as I, particularly when in the throws of insecurity or discomfort I fall back on a facetious attitudes that are just....well its just horrid.The best way to describe it even though its sort of embarrassing to have that word floating in my head waiting to be used as if it were a reasonable word.The word 'Horrid" has nothing reasonable about it.Come to mention it ,It occurred to me that it is offensive to refer to a certain situation as 'hypothetical'.I expect you ought to point out that I am obtuse as well as "feckless".Golly........what a winning combo!!!! But;sincerely,to whom this may concern,in addition to the probability that there are perhaps some things about life that I am discovering within and without that result in an over reaction with 'trauma' like conditions that brings one to a self absorbed state where thoughts and daydreams of the impossible being real becomes a defense mechanism.......In addition to this this particular thought makes me happy in a curious way.It is not thoughts about desire n'r are there scenarios or fairytale objectives of arrival.Its just the mere thought that makes me happy.I wonder if its because I always think of you as a special artist.Its hard for me not to seem over-assuming,insanely self absorbed or both regarding what I'm writing.I am so DUMBFOUNDED!!!!!!!!When I think of you I do not understand how or from where this thought has morphed in to the sense or feeling of an essence in my heart.I believe you are living art and always did.I am not that stupid or crazy to take something with some truth to it and blow it in to something that becomes mostly pathetic fantasy or idiotic fairy tales.At least not anymore.Fine then,call me crazy,have your revenge on me,ignore me,hate me BUT I STILL ODDLY understood by you, in a way that placates that empty space.I love myself more when I think of you.I c or think I c so much of me in you.I'm going to get in trouble 4 writing this I bet but you are so rare and precious as a human being to me even though that should not be.That's just so dismissed as effed up.So hello.....I'm a big efffin idiot many times over.I am happy to be free from attachment especially outcomes,thats what I was blathering about the "gaining a seat" thing I blew.Its good to develop what I think can be called an inner asanna or sanscrit for inner 'yogic pose".There is lots of this in most esoteric traditions in the form of mantra ,visualizations and meditation methods involving attention and awareness.Many people do this on there own without ever hearing this kind of drivel i'm writing.My experience has shown me that lots of people are enlightened. Performance artists,bankers and athletes seem to have a big leg up.Note the cheezy irony of having commented on narcissism in song content recently and my celebration of wanton denial in this narcissistic escapade.I'm betting maybe not.I bet on the Goddess and that means you.Sometimes ,and in cases with actual friends one spends time with,one does not trust their friend or friends and the group loses sight of its common goal.I use the word group in its widest sense.This passes and a stronger bond will grow.I don't know what made me think of that but maybe cuz I figure u don't believe me.Who you are has a strong effect on me.....namely, that the thought of you as a creation(all that you are,have said or done)helps me open up to loving myself.This is all strange....oh well.And ,I feel this peaceful silence that I imagine comes from you and I feel free of undue reaction.I hope there is no self importance here,i just wanted to share it sincerely...

"gaining a seat"-What I know by me4u

I spent about 7 years and then some immersed in all things to do with the Esoteric.This came out of my his/hersstory studies which as it delved further back in to antiquity,with the help of Fraziers' "the Golden bough" and the mid 19th century work by Higgins "Annacolypsis",I became a regular at samual wisers books.I became very friendly with the manager who eventually introduced me to "mira" and her twin daughter 'Tira ' and "..."DEERA'.Mira was a working astrologerI went through everything at wisers books.The philokalia,Rumi,zen,korean zen,theosophy and a lot of ouspensky and Gurdjieff.I studied these two completely and deciphered many of the so called "secret" exercises which mainly involved splitting ones attention on a physical sensation while remaining free from arbitrary thoughts.Charles Tart later wrote a book containing the previously hushed up exercises(hushed so as to keep folks paying),which confirmed my insight.After trying out much Ibecame commetted to a formal practice.I started with the Tibetan Kagyu Lineage which is Mahayanist then made a final several year long commitment in the thravadan forest monastery teaching.Thai forest boodism is a major foundation for IMS(insight meditation society and Spirit Rock in marin.One is well served by committing themselves to an exact daily formal practice for enough time to c any result.No matter what,its great to gain a seat.This happens after sitting in various lottus type positions in formal meditation.These and the sitting technique are explained all over.One starts to savor the morning twenty minute sit or late evening sit.After a time by just taking the position the mind loses its power and becomes a "smoke"generator".Jon cabbott Zinnauthor of "wherever you go there you are "and "full catastrophe living"Has great guided meditation tapes of varying length that can be ordered.I had a modest but costly Japanese Zaffu set with the larger ,more flat bottom cushion with the tall puffy Zaffu cushion on top.One keeps it somewhere special.Burning incense is good for the meditation session because eventually the smell itself has a great calming effect.After years of learning and practicing I dicovered that I was so insecure that the hidden motivation for formal meditation class was to feel superior to others.I promptly lived as scandalous a life as I could after that,letting my mind go to where angels fear to tread.I am now ready to re-institute some formal practice and have made travel plans to go somewhere where the topic of these types of considerations is paramount.here is a link to a talk by dr Zinn and a guided meditation.Zinn started the stress reduction clinics now integral in many hospitals.He doesn't consider himself a teacher nor a boooodist instructor.I took a weekend retreat with him and found him to be a fine,witty and generous man.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc please cut and paste to link.ooopsy

because someone......

understands who I am on that level,and I reiterate these types are much younger in years than I,I am free from a compulsive unexamined underlying assumption that I am not understood.ai think I det struck dumb by them.Well,that explains why I surround myself with people who can not understand that hungry ghost inside me that prefers hell to the unknown.This was the best part of my trip to the Allegheny etc.There are many people like this but I have a healthy respect for my observation that "there are always exceptions." I like the play 'Man and Superman" by G.B Shaw.It is funny to see the man victimized by the woman and nature,

Gurbledy guk or..........something? nothing?

The M.O of a genius has something in common with like minded others.Genius is definitive yet leaves a question that equates to a natural "quantum" process.Quantum as opposed to mechanical.I felt foolish trying to youtube jack depp in "dead man" cuz I kept getting the few violent scenes.Kinda funny and typical 4 mee.This is related to as a way of opening an important idea I discovered expressed by the anti hero in "the libertine".The movie about "the insipid", contains a few gems one of which has always figured large in my life.Paraphrased..any experiment with human nature must be carried out at ones own expense."experiment" sounds cold and says nothing to several aspects and qualities of being deeply in love with someone who truthfully understands you and you them.Sometimes I have accidentally done experiments while others I committed myself to 25 years ago are experiments I could have done without.I have this crazy faith in something.Its connected with much of the brass tax nitty gritty of my personality.There are several very hot potato's in my life without this idea/instinctual premonition.How do computer's do it? cuz one lyric on my reader reccomended list echoed my own words regarding the limitations of efficacy of any and I mean any "magic pill".Its the process of change or aka ..time and a willingness to let go of control that ,sometimes along with an occasional "magic pill", is the cure.4 me ,my life is as close as I can get it to what I knew 18 years ago to be what I needed to be quite calm and poised.I decided that I needed to be able to get that way in the worst off circumstances too.Kinda a macho thing I guess and I learned to not bore people about it unless asked.This backfired from one perspective but.....I am fairly certain I am still in the middle of the book of my life.One moments embrace and one moment of disarmed eye contact will make up for the time the narrator of the songs I commented on just now.You c what a fool I am.I don't know when or why but I sorta know how it is that I must stay with this faith in something I can not predict or control.It would be very confusing to anyone in the best of light and basically only I get it.My mouth and words have been tied by my admiration of someone's mind.Being in love is all about several things one of which is the mind for sure.I'm having fits of recognition, crazy crazy thoughts that someone I don't know can fell my thoughts and emotions.I think it shows i'm pretty healthy to be concerned about this.All of this is at loggerheads with that which I have this deep faith in.Having once thought I knew some people and finding out my arrogance and ignorance I have now learned a tincy weency bit.How could I fault someone for thinking they know my motivations and aspirations without having seen passion in my eyes as I share them if I judged and assumed with great haste.And I am merely describing my foibles not someone else s.I am commenting on the poetry of it all.Some people have said over the centuries,that flashy things are superficial.I beg to differ and beat them at the point;But you.....oh hypothetical you...because I've seen you plain,even in the cold that seemed designed to protect you and piss me off,I am cursed to imagine I am in love with your brain.And not asexually or sexually.Nothing is a waste .......if one is learning.If I insist that I exist to you at all I am considered to be medically unfit.This makes me very uncomfortable but not as bad as my childhood so its never that bad.I can take being insignificant to you...I have no choice.I believe in romantic love in a very impractical way I suppose!

The New Pornographers- Bleeding heart show ....i know why it gets me teary....

In my opinion.....this is the beet song i have come across in 10 years. its original and poignant in a way that honors normal people living normal lives and can be related to by the largest number of people.I know its an old song but I am amazed that this song was not in the pop top 10.I am really not amazed at all and I don't much care for payola and those who live off it.Its always good to hear a song that has content that goes beyond someones narcissistic head trip lyrics It honors normal everyday people and I admire them most.I have alwayse wondered what it was like to even be slightly acceptable and normal in society.This video showa me a little.I think thats why i getbtearful from its joy.The video shows normal unassuming people who are happy even though the words show a recognition of life's bitter sweet quality.I think in my mind I feel loss and sadness along with sympathetic joy.I admire the sanctity of their common humanity.The song is not about one person but a message many can relate to.I woke up with this song in my head and heart and was more earnest about understanding why.I like it when people are happy for them and also it makes feeling bad more miserable
Verse 1:
Dm Bb Dm
I leapt across three or four beds into your arms, where I had hidden myself,
Bb F
Somewhere in your charm. Our golden handshake has been

smashed into this shape
Gm
Its taken magic to a primitive new place.
Bb Am Bb Am
Watch him run, although it, the men are more heroic.

Verse 2:
Dm Bb
We hunched together in one chair out on the deck.
Dm
In snow that frozen fell down
Bb F
On the modern set. It looked as if I picked your name out of a hat.
Gm
Next thing you know you're asleep in someone's lap...
Bb Am Bb Am
Watch him run, although it, The men are more heroic.

Pre-chorus:
Am Dm Bb
We quit the room, quit so our thoughts can rest, rest them on nothing new
C Am
That's when we crowd the hall of whatever it is we fell into
Dm Bb C F Dm
Lousy with your good time, with what the majestic cannot find
Bb C F Dm Bb C Dm F
In the business of your lives, the perception it is wrong, mile after mile
Bb C
The phantom turns, drinking wine from your heels...

Chorus 1:
F Bb F Bb F Bb F Bb C.....
Oooooo—ooooowweeeeooooweeeeooooooooo (x2)

Chorus 2/outro:
Bb F C
(Hey la, hey la, hey la, hey laaaaa) x4 then Neko comes in over the 'hey la's' with
Bb F C
(We have arrived too late to play the bleeding heart show) x5
Bb F C Bb Dm
We have arrived... (x3) Hey la, hey la, hey la.

-Cheers and buy Twin Cinema!!! (John Baer)
Send "Bleeding Heart Show" Ringtone to Cell Phone

Drop Box

this is some visual art i was playing with on a paint program last night.

very hurt and can't cover it up even hypothetically

How and why I was hurt and damaged by the experience is probably foolish to write on.I just react painfully being taken the wrong way to that degree(as do others).This has to do with very deep seeded issues in my psychology.This is not uncommon and this will seem iconsequentialI can't expect someone to understand if they have no referance.I can't beat myself up for being childishly naive.I can't say I don't care because what I experienced and have refered to obliquely may be under stood by 2 or 3 people if at all.I have never made it clear that being misunderstood in the way it seems to me I have been And,being rejected for those reasons as well as coming in to conflict with someone due to what I KNOW is the result of being misunderstood,has been a daily challenge of re-living very traumatic events in my life that left me rather more debilitated than I appear.There is nothing I can do to change it from this perspective .The person or object of my attention in this can't help either.It will take me many years to get over it as silly as some think that is.I blame no one and am not suprised to be considered the same as whomever else the individual(s) know.It took me many months to come to terms with the kind of psychological suffering I will have to live with it for many years all as a result of bad mental habbits at a bad time.However, it was necessary for me to experience in order to move on.I am going to pretend it doesn't bother me that someone reading this thinks this post is a complaint or narcississtic excuse.I've lived with severe ocd,which is a symptom of a diagnosed neurological disorder, for many years and this trauma was about as bad as it gets.The ridiculous part is the whole process was the result of a bad habbit I have had all my life of living in overly detached day dreams when in a state of stress and trauma.I added even worse trauma instead of finding a pleasant release several years ago when this started.So now I have to go away whether I want to or not because I know the best medicine for rampant compulsive internalizing is to see and do new things that are without connection to the situation in question.I am useless to others this damaged and will have to take the time to heal.I will never hold it against anyone and I know it is impossible for anyone to understand what these events mean to me and the absolute upheaval they have caused.I will not put anyone down for it.Like the girl who busted in to my studio sessionon at 39th st in 84 long enough to watch me get self conscious and hammy as a result of being disconcerted by her good looks,then frowning at me and running back out,this situation I so crypstically refer to will one day be an inocuous memory.For many years I was subject to self loathing compulsively because she rejected me.I recognize this is not her fault.I would like to congratulate whomever may be involved with whatever extent the so called "situation" i refer to exists.I can understand why one would understand this as being the insipid expression of a loser who merely wants what he wants.At least I understand some people think that way somehow.It won't help me over the next decade of mental anguish to know that at least eventually,the truth will be known.My deep wish is that no one else ever has to go through this.I wish that were true because at least I would feel there was some utility in this.Even the smallest ,dumbest recognition would have sufficed .As I find little value in clinging to these thoughts (although I know it is good grist for the mill)I sincerely hope you are very happy hypothetically and to the extent I can hope someone is happy who I don't know; But, I do not flatter myself so in reality.I accept my insignificance.Ultimately it is what we think and know of ourselves that counts and Knowing my intentions as I do I am mostly able to pull myself out of obsessive negative thoughts although they are traunatizing.I think this is all rather pathetic on my part but its as close to the truth(even though you wouldn't believe me nor care)as i can attempt to record.I meant to explain about these notions I have about muses and godesses which I garbled yesterday.I care that you understand me because its safe for me as you don't care to and won't.I have my moments but have always prefered taking people 4 thier best.I will always hope against all odds that the truth comes out but I need not know it or have it confirmed.Bottom line is that I had a notion this morning.I decided the best catharsis with words regarding this personal note was simply....oooops, I got hurt very badly a long time ago and it seems I found a way to re live it.A Healer must be healing.I make that the first thing I ask a psychiatrist/psychologist....."are you healing?".This is all surely of my own design even though hypothetically if certain circumstances were so then one simple nod from a persons head would relieve that stress.psychological terminology regarding this sort of thing always seems to make sense.Trauma that happens to children during their pre-verbal mental developement or near verbal developement,when set off by similar crcumstances(in the widest sense),can set off very uncomfortable feelings that can attach to varieties of mental formations or become overwhelming detached emotions and excess anxiety presenting without an origin.Most important though is all that I can be thankful for every day.I can give myself that nod I suppose and I have always had a talent for putting a smile on peoples' faces when addressed in whatever way.You did! Perhaps that was all I needed!Well you and the devine probaly know better than I(REMINDER TO SELF---COUNT BLESSINGS INSTEAD OF INDULGING NEGATIVE FEELINGS OF REJECTION AND ALIENATION)

just in case someone reading this feels me

I was writing in my normal confused way to no one I know of with any certainty.I sorta missed the point namely...if someone were to say to me(hypothetically ) that they were "happy for me even though i am on the other side" i do not see how.On the other hand I don't wish to dictate to others what there emotions should be.I do not wish to decide when someone should love me.If I did I would be doomed to never being loved or knowing love.Again i repeat myself....love comes from unexpected places.The following well known quote from the "crabby apostle"paul is all I meant by love.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things.


I find life easier when I am not resentful and judgemental or aversive.Its human to get that way sometimes and I know there are many who are mostly that way and are very successfull in their lives.people are interesting and i am curious about "being on the other side".Oh well!

look at this strange stuff that opened up when I signed in arbitrarily at the nebulous internet cafe'

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R U the 1 Remixes Now Available!

2008-08-13

The remixes of R U the 1 have just been completed. Grammy winning remixer Hex Hector delivers a tropical take on the song with Spanish guitars and a rap by Tony Montoya. Jason Nevins, famed remixer of Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone", delivers a top-notch dance club mix.

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R U the 1 Video Complete!

2008-08-06

Katrina has just wrapped on the R U the 1 video, directed by W magazine fashion photographer David Byun. To see the video, visit the videos section of the site!
Click here to see the video KIND OF A FUNNY CONFLUENCE EH?????

Some thoughts on the neo-realist film movement as relates to the question of whether The film "Umberto d" is life affirming or dispeptic in its message

A brief synopsis I pulled off line for background.....

Frequently mentioned on lists of masterpieces of modern cinema, Vittorio De Sica's Umberto D. transforms a simple character study into a painfully poignant drama. Umberto is an aging former civil servant, now retired on his scant government pension. He spends his time in his tiny room in Rome, with only his longtime pet dog for companionship. His lonely life only grows worse when his limited income forces him to fall behind on his rent, leading his landlady to threaten him with eviction. He makes a desperate attempt to raise the needed money and protest the unfair treatment of senior citizens to the government, but he receives little response. His one chance at human contact, through brief conversations with a pregnant servant, proves sadly disappointing. Indeed, Umberto slowly becomes convinced that the situation may be hopeless, and he ultimately considers committing suicide. Considered one of the high points of Italian neo-realist cinema, Umberto D. provides the ultimate example of the movement's unadorned, observational style, which emphasizes the reality of events without calling attention to their emotional or dramatic impact. The unschooled, natural performances also contribute to the film's feeling of verisimilitude, particularly the lead performance by non-actor Carlo Battisti. - Judd . I was unable to watch this movie for many years much to my displeasure.I am but a tad more than a dillitante when it comes to film but have an ardent passion for the art form of film.I offer my subjective opinion based on my singular experience although some aspects of this film are fundementals required of all film makers in order to make a film worth watching.I watched this film and was left sharply ambivalent as to whether or not it had any cathartic utility.The fact that it was always considered a "must see" by film experts made me expect a substantive utility.I would not look for this in "Avatar" for example.After three hours of befudlement I realized that by my own reckoning,i strongly concluded this movie was entirely life affirming.As the main character has 15000 lire in his pocket and we see him being quite affable and capable at socializing there is no reason to believe he would not meet new friends as his life continues beyond the films end.The fundementals so important for those interested in film making mostly concerns De Sica's fine use of images that imply meaning.A basic part of successful film making is the communication of ideas through scene content that by itself means nothing in particular but in relationship to the content of scene's around it make a poigniant and poetic impression.Examples of this can be heavy handed,(like showing a caged bird to imply a character's limitation),or, subtle and oblique content which helps create the ambiguous questions many look to be challenged by through film as an artistic medium.To go on and on a bit.....I mean to say that in film the use of a scene filmed at a different time and place is edited to be next to another scene,which subsequently implies information.Two lovers in bed switching to scene of baby chicks in a nest as the sum rises.Or....two lovers in bed then awitch to a cloudy aky with crows cackling ominously with sounds of the wind blowing.These are simple silly examples but ya get my drift.I found Umberto D to be life affirming.Perhaps you might enjoy finding out how you feel about it.As I said I could not watch it for many years but found it worthwhile at age 46.