A daydream caught in confluence

Words can not be spoken to when the words are fleshless and without life.It seems odd to say so but some people say goodbye to someone they have never met or communicated with.I saw words that made me pause........if these words were hypothetically directed at me and I could direct a response to the writer it would be thus......."You understood me through your eyes without as yet the capacity to be open to the actual essence and intention I had at the back of my mind.I NEVER care to know anyone who does not wish to know me simply because it is masochistic.I think it is unhealthy to cling to the rather ill compulsion to want to be around people who do not wish to be around oneself.Likewise shunning those who like us.I spent some years getting over that and recently I had an attachment to my daydreams that brought me to that unhealthy place.I realize I would never blame someone for thinking I was some hungry primate wanting company.If one were to say i'm happy for you there is but one thing.In this last year I had to once again hold my heart open in hell to be in heaven.Because of my careless attitude There is a loss of desire that frankly ,is more than a man my age should feel.Time shall tell all and I am not attached to any outcome.Perhaps someone alone would be happy for me as it is likely if I stay away 3 months,all human intimacy between family and significant other will be NULL.Its easier to have no family or support network when busy and/or stacking paper.Ted turner said that.I love and learned to accept other peoples love even though they did so in their way to the capacity they naturally expressed.Its true that I harbor strange ideas about lovers and healing but believe that you know the truth if you thought someone was so one dimensional that meeting you was their raison d'etre.Its ok because after all......its all about you boo,and....its all about me.I learned a long time ago that opening my heart in hell put me in a heavenly state.I knew that 15 years ago.I did not want to go through it again.The smallest application of reality in the personal life situation i went through would have relieved me of a type of mental suffering so debilitating i prayed i would be the only ever to feel it.i would not wish it on anyone.i beleive death would be preferred by many who are identified with there consensus reality place in the world. Sometimes I mention my past in context of present unrelenting emotional or mental pain.Hey.......if you drop a baby the damage is done.........so your right.Once you suffer chakra damage from being abused as a child its done.Why add that to a vain attempt to curry someones understanding.My heart tells me something that calls me to be free in desire,in aversion,through rejection.How could the conversations and attempts to socialize not be taken as discomforting at times.Concluding to force change and be at peace even though my solitude will be my companion mostly is preferable to a calcified unfulfilled life.I did this before but knew myself much less at the time.Mostly I care for others but not dependig on whether they care for me.It remains a sign of ill health to lament someone who you like but does not find you worthy for whatever GOOD AND PERSONAL reason.Even Jesus said no!(often).Respect for boundaries is a corner stone of truly loving action.Love comes from the unexpected and it has never disappointed as long as I was free of expectation.seeing whomever happy and always admired by me even though I know so little about people .They seem to know me less. in case ,I wanted to say hypothetically that if you spoke to me I would respond.I am not insulted and free of childish daydreams and expectations.Those day dreams kept me alive through hard times but I feel complete on the level. I feel love for some people and warm my heart with my ideas of their well being i hope for them.Whatever someone thinks of me is only sometimes relevant. not needed but always sympatico and filled with awe in between my foul mouths utterances.Hypothetically im happy for you to because ,whomever you are , you are free to forget my existence.It will take me a while but I shall forget to(I love people in front of me in favor of those far away and unknown but life does its own and stay free of expectation. THANK YOU.