something different

ONE HEART If I was unable to sit quietly in times of strife in order to directly experience the intrinsic nature of love within and without ,at this point I would be too crazy with a run on negative atitude to go back to work.Fact is my dad works 6 days a week alone at age almost 90.He could use a hand.My grandfather bought,cut and sold paper from a cart on canal street.He prospered and my dad bought, cut and sold paper too.At 26, although I was forced to sue my own dad at 18 4 me and my sister(and won fair and square)which really pissed him off,I to was trained to be a "cutter of paper" and merchant of printing paper by my dad and did so quite well.My disability check is phat as a result.Disability or ssd is based on the recipients number of years paying taxes and the amount paid in taxes.I was paid by commission and was in a high tax bracket as i was never wed or fathered children .All others apply 4 SSI as they often do not have 40 quarters of paying taxes by the book.OH IRONY...........you must agree..........I am full of irony........so today I have to go buy my uniform for the annual world meeting at the Waldorf Astoria 4 the paper industry and associated products.Rest assured the paper industry is republican,white and mostly controlled exclusively by men of limited dimensionality awareness ,No crazy hippies or poor homeless people attend meetings with upper apparatchiks from multi billion dollar paper companies.I am sorry to make someone wrong but if I am still at the job in 6 months then whoever thought it was funny to dis me because I am a lame man and thought I reminded them of dark side of the moon,and all the other wicked things they did via the particular way these inferences were made in attacking me and lying about me in a bunch of ways,then they lack basic human understanding of themselves,other people and the entire universe.4 this i am sympatico as I understand the pain these people who feel unworthy of love go through.4 me I have often found that I could love someone but not be able to be around their toxicity.Oddly,thanks to a purely toxic family life and thanks to the mean nature of the toxic and selfish narcissism thrown upon me from age 5,often the love I feel even overpowers the dislike I have for being around a self centered ,selfish narcissist and I can be there 4 them when the hard times come around.I know they will get better and I know if they are choosing to be crazy out of lazy selfish behavior that makes it easiest to think and process in a negative and volatile way.As long as that is not the case ,that they are just using there mental issues to vampire,I would not forsake them and would be there when the doctors let um go.I think and have noticed from observation that women and men often bale on there significant others if they c them get ill and have to go to hospital.I have also found men and women who stayed strong and stood by their partners during a symptomatic episode.I am writing this because,although for whatever satanic reason in their heart,many people seem to see the worst of themselves if they look in to my eyes.I am shunned by a certain group of people to the hysterical degree that they or their advisers contrive to hurt me 4 a lie someone made up about me or they did themselves.Although the last time I attempted to have fun dancing I discovered the organizer of the party forgot that its almost impossible to dance when there is no dance floor.Although I never got to dance their,a nice dude poured me several glasses of champagne proclaiming to me that it was 4 my leopard print strecheeze and how cute they fit my butt that I received this kindness.They were a nice group of people and he was kind to me.Still,I do not like being in a club when I am not at least buying a few drinks.I feel as though I am taking advantage so I will try to be a gentlemen and leave.Although I am going back to work mostly to hang out with my cool 90 year old dad and get a few benjeez 4 paint and drink money!!!!long dull story short....in the 3 years of going out on the town shaking my best organ..4 nights a week all night.......I can count on my hands the times I was ever spoken too by anyone.That means I creep people out or perhaps seem cold distant and unapproachable.no i ain't complaining Rochester but attempting to show others who Have clearly shown me the light of who I am relative to them,What they might be looking 4 even though it will not be me can be found in me.People in certain situations often find it hard to hook up 4 more then 6 months or 2 weeks.As I have already been identified as odious and disgusting to them I have no investment so that makes it easier 4 them.As to how or whatever I thought before it is relevant now.wasted words indeed.I know my intentions and my nature is`easy to observe.I wish i could write this better and with more sympatico,perhaps later.............if you can't feel any love here I accept that and it will suffice me.People are different right? with genuine love from the silence of a stout mighty heart to whom this may apply WITH LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS YOURS ALWAYS RALPH USDAN