more from the last post

C 4 1 thing if I say to my friend "do I look like a person who cares what people think of him?" it only occurs to me if I think about it that this sarcastic remark might be taken as a declaration to be taken seriously.We were told that it was the end of the cali yuga and therefore,on account of the increased speed of events(whatever that means)hypocrisy should be in all individual truths.My friend was tight with the famous Hilda from Dahrma circles and met that Prabadayabadaba dude who used to sit in central park or golden gate park with his harmonium.Although the hari krishna's turned him in to a cult,he told people not to meditate more than 20 minutes a day and expect duplicity and hypocritical seeming things seeming highlighted in spiritual community.A large part of certain very odd circumstances in my life and (this is where I bleed)perhaps and with no certainty ,others,is due to a type of non accidental accident that seems like coincidence on a spiritual level.If I imagine being a well known guitar player I think I would wonder if other guitar players posted on my you tube just to get noticed.I am a very naive person beyond any extent that I am using that statement as an excuse 4 something embarrassing or insulting to someone i initiated,but I would be pissed at that.The amount of odd coincidence in meeting people as regards their relationship to some things and people is not natural.Its uncommon beautiful here and I wish eyeballs c ing this could c it.I doubt a video would demonstrate the experience of satori one gets bwhen walking out the door.There are the mountains the snow and the experience in tactile ways then one becomes a self for a second and thinks "wow I disappeared!Same as being at the beach and watching a perfect and unique brilliant sun set and your friend says "its beautiful" and you say "yes ,and its a pity to say so".I started in on the darma stuff because the best instructor was not afraid to bi-polared out in the middle of a 45 min silent sit cultivating a compassionate heart and run out of the meditation hall to yell at the innocent lawn mower person in a most nasty way.Last night I dream t of an old teacher I studied with in my thirties,Stephen Levine and in the dream we were in a class together and I told him I had a dream about him.I used to believe in finding teachers but I am very against the notion that a human being is not their own teacher and all people and things are always a teacher.Why would the universe make people without the necessary information to learn?Yea but what about the evildoers who cause so much personal harm?I was hoping once upon a time that I would share these questions with others online and i am told i have been looking for icq which seems indecipherable to me.I have no Idea but I can put myself in someone else's shoes to a certain extent and c how a person could be weak and go along with the rest if ignorance of life is the rule. The reason I mention the dream is because,returning to the above comments on the kali yuga and people,I once spoke to a board member of IMS at the suffi center where are vippassanna group met,this board member was filling in for someone and giving us instructions in their stead.I said to him during a break, "man I bet that stephen levine is incredibly verbally mean sometimes", and the instructor said quizzically "why is that", and I said "because anyone who can be that loving compassionate and open in speech must have an equal capacity to speak incisively hateful"."very incite-full" he said.Eyeballs...if you know me you know I do not think it was in itself incite-full to say that.Now that I have lit the candle in more places I see my insecurity and false pride being more of my motivation then.This connects with the hypocrisy in the weave of life idea I mentioned above.I have studied this and it usually goes like this "if you have a number 10 fear of life you have a number 10 fear of life, a number 10 capacity for kindness and forbearance then one has a number 10 level of icy cold hate and a cold heart".I wonder how true this is but it makes sense on some levels.It sure reeks of someone trying to tell someone else "how things are", which bothers a lot of us.These words are here because ultimately we are born alone and die alone(at the absolute point of entry or exit)so if I can be sincere and not thoughtlessly crass then better to walk the road alone on account of my expressions.My grand dad S. Ralph and grandma rose were once going in to a passover dinner at their synagogue and my grand dad was smoking a cigar.His response to my grandma telling him to put the cigar out before going in was "that's alright, they'll make me".Or,similarly and perhaps more relevant here he was fond of saying "show me a person everyone likes and I'll show you an ass".While I revile the first attitude I must admit trying to please people is a fools errand while permeating calm through conscious centered awareness and being a responsive listener and helpful associate,friend or companion is essential in achieving the common human goal of being valued for oneself in relationship with our activities and actions as part of a holistic life with our worlds.I do know that some of us see patterns in things others might not.Perhaps they are seeing something else? I now am sure that other people are seeing their own patterns in a similar way which is dangerous because these patterns can sometimes be very individualistic.Mistakes can occur also due to misidentifying a pattern which was a real experience yet processed through the ever changing personality.Art and reality meet because I just stopped writing and went up to the road and loaded the toboggan with wood patsy/earthma and her son Aaron (seen on one of my video's)just split with this wood splitting machine they have,and slid it back to the house.We work together and that's what makes us good friends.I have been coming here for more than 5 years and I don't think you would say I am helping to curry favor(well maybe a little).It makes me happy to help and their glad to be helped.Silly example but it is exactly the manner of living I am not allowed to do when I stay at my dear friend and companion's house.How can one say they are in a relationship with me if they don't tell their family about me.When asked how long would she live with someone until she would want to know why she was not introduced to their family,she replied that's totally different.Well yes,I was introduced to her family and I was never much for forced family functions anyway but they blame me for her divorce and she thinks it alright 4 me to live in a house owned by a man who wants to call the police if he c'z me!!!!! He correctly wanted me to go away so she could find someone with more money which I often feel was right and I hate to c her hassled while I have to avoid helping so as not to upset the old man.The joy of working together is as important in a serious relationship as sex,although we all know what poor decision making good sex can have on people sometimes.I could write and one day shall,a poem about how wonderful our time has been together on the cool Adam's family third floor we share with her son and nephew.Nothing will change the endearment one feels for someone that is kind but the whole "opposites attract thing wears thin replaced with differences being the commonality putting aside day to day share pleasure.People change and I guess my soul becomes hungry to see itself through its own eyes in another.Oddly this sort of experience can be misconstrued as requiring further commitments or requiring expectations but true love is free.Anyway I can't imagine myself seven days from now much less claim to know something.I think things and want to share them if only with that weird web bot or whatever its called that culls all words written on line and accurately predicts things.(I saw it on national geographic).I am experimenting because It seems to me that I went to far in some regard that is still quite opaque to me and I have been told that if you go to far to turn back its best to adapt and correct what one can and go further.Not as before but as a phoenix might.I hope this makes some sense if I am so honored to have eyeballs here.I appreciate it although I have no idea if their are eyeballs here!It must be very upsetting 4 people in the limelight to c or hear what people who do not know them think.I have always looked under rocks and things but odd coincidence is no excuse for mixing myself up with someone else's private life or throwing it in to the ethos which is crass and leads to making a very bad impression if so misconstrued.Regarding some things I noticed in previous months,I agree one is really being insufferable giving advice or commenting on someones personal life with out being asked.I figure its part of who I am to sometimes get over excited and thus insensitive to the results of my actions on others.I liken it and the many aspects of the personality to a music track that one needs to fade down part of.I make a good scape goat for blame I suppose because I have been told I am fairly transparent and wear my heart on my sleeve.I saw something that was rather odd but none of my business,something like "how about if I tell Katrina".I do not know what this means and I won't dare you to hit me in any event.One has to do what one feels is right but its silly to threaten those weaker than yourself.I am no better than anybody but my habits are different such that remorse forces me to express my remorse to the person.It doesn't take away the hurt 4 them much.I hope to play only my position and hopefully not offend and I hope and pray that if there are people who enjoy causing pain on purpose that they may stop.I do not know if these things ever happened to me while fiddling on line and let the possibility go. with openness and a compassionate heart 4 you ru