its sleeting out

In the Tao and in Chung-Tzu contains the obscured "religion" to which I practiced for many years.In the course of studying History on my own,my interests in applied philisophicle practice crossed paths with Russian history in the form of Mr.Ouspensky,whom I studied as diligently as i could.Doing things your very afraid to do is part of this.Booodizm iz similla and I did a lot of that.Then I realized There were fearz within beneath any conscious attempt to confront them.I was a perfect statue at the time which was the boring life of a noun.I fooled myself in many ways.Thenceforward I decided to unlearn all the meditation time and retreats and Dharma talks ,getting as tangled and lost in thought as I naturally am capable.At the age of thirty seven I had not experienced or expressed so much that I was very defensive particularly as I was still overprotected by a system that I knew rewarded the "unearned privileged" which accosted an odd sense of "honor" I felt as a "man".I decided to go to fantastical lengths to break all and any false concretion in the underlying belief of everything I took for granted as thought out in order to draw my own conclusion regarding many actions.I invested a lot of time burning down all taboo's I found within.I became what I found to the exact degree it was present." Know Thy Self " was my maxim and I suppose an ongoing way of life whereby a deep commitment with being honest with oneself often requires a long time to realize.I was actually wanting to become a monk!!!! I was that out of touch with what I am which imploded with the reality experienced intensively practicing Vippassanna fallowed by a naive but insipid course of treatment with a highfalutin Neurol-Psychiatrist.All this crap I wrote was just to say Thank You to a universe which has displayed itself to me in a loving form.I am embarrassed to be recognized but I say to the kind person who understands who I am "of the good things in me you see it is your soul that is described".I know accepting love in any and all forms is a big life lesson that continues.If someone appreciates me I am glad,which I gladly confess!,but I do not wish to require any other human being to be and act exactly as they feel when i c fit.I do not wish to lay expectation at another person's door.I would make a selfish friend if I expected another to be other then themselves at any rate.Even if its made up in my head, application of the kind words thus produces a lighter heart.Thanks to the words perceived and accepted as healing I can in turn heal others.Some say efficiency is a hallmark of the divine.