oh lordeeeee

The world is certainly a mystifying place and I outn't sound sure or even be confident about in a joking matter regarding said knowledge.A little bit of pompous sanctimoneous writing attempting to be irony is much more than it seems.Enough of that.Destiny and truth as well as the immortality of beauty through the action of love was what I was thinking about recently and I realized some things about writing these somewhat pressingly relevant thoughts for me in to a work of fiction.It takes longer but not impossibly so.It is impossible for me to make someone forgive me,Even if I am innocent and did not make it rain today.There were alwayse kids in school that way,who alwayse got blamed.I did not have it the worst but I empathize with people whom I feel are being overly blamed.With this in mind I wonder.I have said hurtful things in certain circumstances in my life that deservrd an appology and I believe love means you never have to say your sorry.Sometim es I could be so mad at someone but when I see then I can never allow them to appologies too seriously and rationalize the blame being mine.I used to like people who did not like me and I suppose there are still some cases of this in my life.Whatever depth of passion I may or may not have for my like of a person who clearly dislikes me has changed over the years.My silly vocal tirades never change,alwayse in a loud deep voice if they occur making it seem worse.Its actually funny and I am happy to say people change quite a lot in some cases though even family and friends don't know.I would rather not have to be this obvious to be self-depricating to the point of ruining what I am trying to say but I am not saying I am any expert inanything;I think the opposite of love is fear.I have found this in my self in life.Others at times agree.I am the worst chess player who ever lived and I still wish I could Play .All I can write at this moment is that I meant nothing about the above statement.It seems very important to me that I say nothing.I feel this love in my body and mind that both includes and transcends other people or persons in specific.Other people can be powerful symbols for good and for our own destruction but each is at the center of their life and each their own arbitor.We make our own choices given what we know and do the best we can.To me this is a great priveledge in human life,to be given choice and destiny.This has always been a puzlement to me but as I strugled with it I began to come to the conclusion that destiny is what will happen anyway so to speak while choice is how we go through that destiny.A very wise woman many years advanced than I told me that once but I missed it at the time.The important thing is to some extent fullfill that destiny to some reasonable degree.That admits a lot about me namely I beleive In a reasonable universe which I do ULTIMATELY but not subjectively.I also am pretty sure this is a dumb way to look at things .I prefer being here now and c'ing what I get.I have never felt so certain about anything in a while and although prone to making mistakes ,still a broken clock is right twice a day......I know my own true love regardless of whether I have met,have not met, or perhaps never meet because if she were my own true love I know she must see through to her truth which I trust she will make ours in time.I must be that for or with her in whatever way I am that for her.That has to be the case if what I beleive, which goes against so much endless naysaying odds,is true.If I missed something she would see it.If I felt unforgivable she would forgive me and I would want to be there for her if it were needed.If I made a fool of myself and kept thinking about it she would laugh at its unimportance.I can not apply this to algorythms of course!!!!! No words can describe these odd feelings ......sometimes I feel pregnant!